


History

by ficdirectory



Series: Disuphere series [6]
Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Asthma, Chronic Illness, Disuphere Universe, Domestic Violence, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Original Character Death(s), Parent-Child Relationship, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Siblings, Threats of Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-01-16 20:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 60,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21276890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ficdirectory/pseuds/ficdirectory
Summary: History is a tricky thing. Siblings Pearl and Levi West had entirely different childhoods. Levi knew their father, while Pearl was left by him as a small child. Who was Paris West, the man? Find out his story - and all the ways history echoes in the present.





	1. Archives

**1986**

_ Mornings are my favorite time of day, because it’s just me and Pearl. I love the quiet. The predictability. The knowing. I think Pearl likes the same. We were up late fighting again last night. About money. Again. About my job. Again. How I’m not home enough, but when I am home I’m miserable to live with. I wish we could just turn back time. That she could go back to the Carla I knew when we first met. Fun, engaging, kind. Was that all an act? Four years into the marriage, and it’s beginning to feel like it. This abuse isn’t good for either of us - Pearl or me. But I got a plan. I’m saving. And when I have enough set aside, Pearl and I are gonna leave, the two of us. That’s my plan. Gotta keep it quiet, though. God knows what Carla would do if she ever found out… - Paris West _

Paris sits in his chair in the corner of the living room, a cup of coffee on the side table and his journal balanced on his lap. This is his favorite time of day, hands down. He especially likes Saturdays, because Carla sleeps late.

Lately, she’s gotten more and more difficult to live with. It’s affecting Pearl, too. At near three and a half, she pays attention to everything, and she’s particularly upset at not knowing what to expect when from Carla. One day she’s kind and smiling, and spilling your milk is no big deal. The next, she won’t let Pearl hear the end of it.

Pearl may be just a little girl, but the inconsistency is getting to her.

Paris glances up, hearing the familiar creak of Pearl’s bedroom door. She peeks out, a slow smile on her lips as she sees Paris here in the chair, smiling, too.

He opens his arms, making sure his coffee’s well set aside and his journal’s secure, tucked between the cushion of his chair.

Pearl runs out, silent, and launches herself onto Paris’s lap.

“Hi-good-morning,” she greets him, her bony knees digging into his thighs. Her teddy bear nightgown too light for the cold weather they’re about to have.

“Hi-good-morning to you,” he tells her. “You sleep okay?” he asks, kissing her on the head.

“You hided your book in here,” Pearl observes, seeing the spine of the red memo pad peeking out.

“I did,” he nods.

“‘Cause you don’t want Mom to find it, huh?” Pearl asks, knowing. 

She reaches over for the remote control and clicks the TV over to CBS for _ Berenstain Bears _ at 8 AM. Paris knows her schedule. At 8:30, it’s over to ABC for _ Care Bears _ and at 9:00, NBC for _ The Smurfs _. Paris takes the blanket from the back of the chair and spreads it over both of them, so Pearl will be warm while she watches TV.

Pearl sings the theme song for her show softly. She watches until the first commercial break and then, uncharacteristically, mutes the sound.

“You and Mom were fighting,” she comments softly.

“You heard that, huh?” Paris asks gently. “I’m sorry.”

“Me, too,” Pearl agrees.

“Why are you sorry?” Paris asks, surprised.

“Well, because...y’all were fighting and maybe...if I was better-acting, you wouldn’t?” Pearl tries to explain.

“Honey, sometimes, grown ups fight about grown things. Things that ain’t got nothing to do with little kids. Big people problems.”

“Then why does Mom say, ‘_ Pearl, Pearl, Pearl, _’ every day when she’s mad? Even last night I heared her say my name a bunch of times before I fell asleep.”

“Well, I promise you. You are not the problem. You make my days so much happier,” he says, kissing her soundly.

“Oh,” Pearl says, turning the sound back on and settling against him.

At the break between _Berenstain Bears_ and _Care Bears,_ Paris gets up, leaving Pearl in the recliner, warm from his body heat. He fixes her a bowl of Kix dry, a glass of milk on the side. Gets her a Flintstones vitamin.

“Is it Dino?” Pearl asks distracted.

“Looks like Fred today,” Paris tells Pearl regretful.

“Darn,” Pearl says. But she eats her cereal at the table, her head craned halfway around to see the television.

Once _ The Smurfs _ are over, it’s 9:30 AM. The TV goes off, and it’s time to get Pearl into clothes and get her teeth brushed.

He picks out a lavender sweatsuit that’s her favorite, Grover on the front of the shirt. He does her hair in two braids, like she wants.

“What do you want to do now?” Paris asks.

As expected, Pearl comes out with a stack of books from her room. “Read me all these, please. And then can I read your secret one?”

“My what?” Paris asks, surprised.

Pearl digs between the cushion of the chair for the notebook. “This one.”

“No, thank you, ma’am. That right there belongs to Daddy. That has my private thoughts in it. Everybody’s gotta have a place for their private thoughts.”

“I do!” Pearl exclaims, a little on the loud side. But by now it’s after 10:30. She’s been quiet for almost three hours.

“You do? Where is it?” Paris asks, intrigued.

“Right here in my mind!” Pearl grins, pointing.

“Well, I’ll be… That’s a great place for your private thoughts. Because nobody can get at ‘em. Not unless you choose to share.”

Paris opens The Cat in the Hat to read aloud, even though Pearl could just as easily read to _ him _.

“I’ll share one of my private thoughts,” Pearl bargains. Before Paris can object, she’s on her knees again, hand cupped around his ear:

“I love you most in the hold-wide world,” she whispers seriously.

“I love you most in the whole wide world,” he whispers back.

“You should write that down in your secret book,” Pearl says, settling back down in his lap.

“Oh, trust me. I do. I write it in there every single day.”

**2006**

Daddy has a funny cough. 

It’s from all the helping he did when the buildings fell down. ‘Cause he was a firefighter. But firefighters gotta breathe good and now Daddy can’t breathe as good anymore.

But it’s okay because Levi still loves him the most ever.

The cough tells Levi what Daddy’s up to. Clear-your-throat means waking up. Cough-some-more, eating breakfast. Like that.

Mommy works and Daddy’s home with Levi. Or Daddy works and Mommy is home. 

Levi gets out of his Clifford the Big Red Dog room, and goes down the hall to find Daddy. Climbs all the way up to Daddy’s bed. Makes a puppy noise that means, “I’m sad.”

“Well, who do we have here?” Daddy asks.

Levi has one of Vader’s favorite toys in his mouth. Vader was Levi’s favorite big, black dog. Like as big as a horse. Vader had to go up to heaven because he got too sick to play anymore.

There’s too much space inside the house without Vader.

Levi drops the toy from his mouth onto Daddy’s chest. He licks Daddy on the face.

“Somebody’s missing Vader, I see,” Daddy says, clearing his throat.

Levi nods.

“That’s okay. Daddy misses that old hellhound, too,” he says, making Levi laugh.

“Daddy! You’re not supposed to say that. He’s a heaven-hound, now,” Levi insists, snuggling down next to Daddy.

“Right you are,” Daddy says, and kisses Levi on the head.

Levi finds the remote and clicks it onto _ Dora the Explorer _.

“Just like your sister,” Daddy says like he’s proud.

“‘Cause you watched TV with her when you were my age?” Levi asks.

“I did. When _ she _ was _ your _ age. When she was three and a half like you.”

“I wish she _ was _ still….” Levi says, distracted singing the Dora theme song.

Daddy waits until it’s over and then keeps talking. His voice is scratchy. “Well, I know the feeling. But she’s a grownup now.”

“Does she like me?” Levi asks at more commercials.

“Honey, I’m sure when she meets you, she’s gonna love you,” Daddy reassures.

“Good. ‘Cause I already do love _ her _.”

**2021**

_ I have to be honest, I have no idea what this month is going to be like… Maybe that’s why I find myself finally breaking in this new journal Dominique got me for our birthday, months ago. _

_ It’s so strange, that after all this time, I finally know when Dad died. For all my life I’ve thought it happened when I was a kid. I had no idea when. Just a sense that one day I woke up and he just wasn’t there anymore. _

_ It’s one of the biggest mysteries of my life right now. But thank God I have Levi. (One less mystery to solve, one great brother to boot.) _

_ Cleo sleeps later than I do. So does Levi. So I’m just awake at 5 AM in my dark cabin. We’re slowly trying to clean it out so that by next summer when we can (hopefully) move, it will be set to sell. I can’t imagine living somewhere else, but at the same time, it will be so nice to have real familial support. (And by that, of course, I mean, the Avoiders.) _

_ Maybe, If I’m lucky, I can get some more sleep… _

Pearl wakes up hours later, an ache in her side. She frowns at her light blue journal poking her from its home wedged between the couch cushions.

Cleo licks her face, and whines to go outside.

“Panther,” Pearl calls downstairs. “Wanna go outside?” (It’s easier this way than for Levi to have to get out of bed before he’s ready,) but he comes upstairs, grumpy as ever.

“Do you have to yell for her?” he asks. “My door’s closed, so she just, like, freaks out whining, and trying to get out.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Pearl apologizes. “I was trying to avoid waking you up, not cause it.”

“It’s fine….” Levi grumbles. He pours himself some water in a mug and heats it in the microwave while Pearl leaves to walk the dogs. 

Maybe the alone time will put Levi in a better mood.

But by the time Pearl comes back in, it’s her turn to be caught off guard. Levi’s listening to the old audio tape of her and Dad. The quilt made out of his shirts wrapped around Levi’s shoulders.

“This doesn’t even sound like him…” Levi comments quietly, in a tone Pearl can’t read. He sips his tea and hits rewind.

“How do you mean? That’s exactly how I remember him,” Pearl remarks.

“Well...he paused a lot. And he had this...nagging cough. I used to be able to tell exactly where he was in the house by that cough. And what he was doing.”

“So, you’re saying...this doesn’t sound like him because he had a cough?” Pearl shakes her head, peeling herself out of her outerwear.

“Forget it. I have to get ready to go to work anyway. And I have to be ready early because I promised I’d be up to help a friend.”

Pearl has to work to keep from asking which friend and why they need help. Knowing Levi, he’d say so if he found it relevant.

“You can talk to me about Dad, you know?” Pearl says at Levi’s retreating back as Panther trots along behind him.

“Not when you tell me all my memories of him are wrong…” Levi says back, and retreats down the stairs.

She sits down at the computer. Monday morning at 9 AM Minnesota time, it’s debatable if any of their California contingent is awake.

It surprises her to see Char, another friend from California, available to chat. Pearl slips on her headphones and clicks Char’s name.

“I am the worst sister in the world,” she begins.

“Pearl Jam, it’s pretty early for a sibling crisis, isn’t it?” Char yawns.

“Not if you’re us,” Pearl insists. “I just negated Levi’s memory of our dad. Because it was different from the way I remember him.”

“Ouch. Yeah, you gotta stop doing that…” Char advises. 

“Thanks, I didn’t do it intentionally…” Pearl sighs. “I… I was caught off guard. I came back inside after walking the dogs and just...boom. There he is listening to the audio tape Dad left me. Saying it doesn’t sound like Dad.”

“Well, you guys _ are _, like twenty years apart. It’s possible that there were aspects of the dad you knew that were different by the time Levi knew him.”

“I know. So, I have some apologizing to do,” Pearl sighs.

“Yeah, you do,” Char nods.

“How are you? What are you doing up at 7 AM?” Pearl asks.

“Oh, me and insomnia… We go way back…” Char says fondly. 

Pearl winces. “I hope you can get some rest. I have to go talk to my brother.”

But by the time she hangs up with Char and goes to knock on Levi’s bedroom door, she finds his bed made, and the room empty. 

Levi’s gone.


	2. Case Study

**2021**

Levi doesn’t wait around for Pearl to come apologizing. He knows she will. That’s kinda the problem.

He’s not ready to forgive her just yet. 

It’s weird wearing the new uniform. And Levi’s got to admit to feeling a little bit of shame about where he’s at in life. He’s grown up hearing the stories: Dad started studying to be a firefighter / paramedic right after he graduated high school at eighteen.

Sure, Levi graduated at sixteen, but what’s he really done with his life since?

He shakes his head to clear it. Levi can’t be over here going down depressing memory lane when he’s about to help out Mariana. He takes a deep breath and pulls over, parking the car. Minnesota has serious laws against being on your phone while driving, even if the phone is mounted.

“Hey. I’m here. How’s it going?” Levi asks, via Marco Polo.

A written message pops up in their private Facebook chat:

**Levi, Mariana**

** _Mariana:_ **

_ Don’t want you to see me. Feel like I’m dying. Don’t wanna go. Helps seeing you. _

Levi can take a hint. He sends her a second video, knowing that making the step to see somebody about past trauma is a major one. One he has yet to make for himself. Counselors all have this energy. Especially the men. They all kinda make Levi feel like he’s talking to Dad, and then, he’s just a wreck.

“I’m fine with that. I can’t imagine how scary this is. I wish I was there with you. Just know I’m here. I don’t go into work ‘til 11:00 your time. So let me know how it goes. You’re so freaking brave, Mariana. You’re braver than me.”

The chat pings again:

** _Mariana:_ **

_ What if all I can do is sit there? _

Levi smiles ruefully on the video he’s recording for Mariana: “Then...at least you made it in the room?” he offers. “And maybe you’ll make it another step closer next week?”

All of a sudden she fills the screen in front of him, live. She looks stressed, for sure, but Levi notes the pink hat on her head - a hand-knitted birthday gift from Pearl. Levi’s insides twinge guiltily. He really should have stuck around to accept Pearl’s apology - assuming she planned to give one at all - he had just been pretty rude.

“Hey.” Mariana says.

“Hey,” Levi says, relaxing. “Waiting room?” he guesses, seeing the blank walls behind her.

She nods.

“Where are Stef and Lena?” he asks, swallowing. Mariana’s moms are definitely not anybody he wants to randomly see popping into frame.

“I told them...whatever. Wait in the car,” Mariana fills in.

“Ah,” Levi nods. “Nice. Boundaries. How’s today with them?” 

“Weird. Like the weekend,” she allows. “Levi…” she says, and he watches, helpless, as her eyes fill with tears, and she swallows.

“Hey. Whatever you need to feel, okay?” he offers, gentle.

“Scared...to talk…” she manages.

“I can’t imagine…” Levi allows. (And he really can’t. Knowing what he knows about Mariana, about her family support - or lack thereof - let’s just say it makes perfect sense that she’s hesitant.) “But I mean it. If all you can do is sit there, at least that’s something. You made it in the room.”

“ _ Mariana _ ?” a voice off screen calls.

And Levi’s stunned when Mariana stands with the video call still active and walks into the office. He’s not sure if it slipped her mind that they’re connected right now, but better sense tells him that this was a choice. This is Mariana acting intentionally - to keep safe people around her.

He tries to be okay with this. (Hasn’t Pearl once said that Jesus had to call his therapist from the cabin? That he’d even needed Pearl to be in on it once? And she said his therapist was okay. Maybe Mari’s will be, too…)

“Hi, Mariana. I’m Nadiya,” a woman’s voice introduces. She sounds around Mariana’s own age. Maybe older. But not like Grandma-older.

(So far, so good. There’s no chance of Levi getting Dad-feelings and crying.)

Levi gets dizzy briefly as Mariana swipes her phone screen and passes the whole thing to the counselor. Levi averts his eyes, not wanting to look at this woman without her knowing.

“Okay. Thank you so much for letting me know this,” Nadiya says.

(He remembers, late last night. When they were finally back home after seeing Dominique and Fran in costume. Mariana had taken a screencap of something and sent it to him, asking for his opinion:

_ What do you think of this? _

He had read:

_ I have aphasia, which means I have trouble finding the words I mean. Stress makes this harder. I’m really stressed about being here. Sometimes the wrong words come out. Please be patient. Yes / no questions help. Less pressure helps.) _

Levi eventually peeks his eyes open and sees he’s back, with a view from Mariana’s lap. He can see up into her face. The phone trembles, in a way that makes him sure she’s shaking.

“I’m here to listen. I’m not here to judge you, what you’ve been through, or how you communicate about it,” Nadiya says.

Mariana glances down at Levi, and he nods, encouraging.

“My...Levi is here,” she says, gesturing to her phone.

“Hi. Hello,” Levi greets as Mariana points him. “Just here for moral support.”

“I love moral support,” Nadiya beams. “Glad to meet you, Levi.”

And then, they sit. Occasionally, Nadiya offers Mariana Kleenex. Says she’s here for whatever Mariana needs the space for.

Fifty minutes pass in a flash. Levi reluctantly tells Mariana he needs to go to work.

“Thank you,” she says.

“You’re doing it,” he says. “Proud of you.”

“You, too,” Mariana manages, smiling a little through tears.

**1994**

_ My parent’s name is Carla West. She was born in 1963. She works at a diner and she also does hair. She has two jobs because she is a single mom and has to work very hard to provide for me. She is an only child, just like I am. I sometimes wish I had more family. (An excerpt of “My Life” by Pearl West.) _

Pearl has waited for two weeks for Mom to be in a decent mood to ask questions. But her autobiography assignment for English is due in one more week. And she needs time to type it and get pictures.

Three years ago, when she was in fifth grade, Mom just wrote the parts Pearl didn’t know - about her infancy and stuff. That was fine. None of her classmates remembered being babies, so the teacher didn’t dock her points for it.

But if she had a whole section about parents, and only one parent to discuss? That would be strange, and Pearl’s strange enough - the only eleven-year-old eighth grader.

Pearl sits through a couple of Mom’s soap operas, pretending to be interested in who is in a coma, and who’s giving birth. They sit on opposite ends of the couch. Mom turns on  _ Sally Jessy Raphael _ , who she doesn’t like as much as Oprah. Pearl grabs her chance.

“Mom...I have this autobiography assignment for school...and we have to write about our parents.”

It takes Mom a second to tune into her. “And?” she asks.

“And...I have two parents…” Pearl ventures, uncomfortable. “So, I was just wondering...what he was like...my dad?”

It wasn’t only the autobiography. It was that every single kid in her class was older than her. And white. And Pearl couldn’t change her age or what she looked like. But maybe she could get information about her dad, to be a little more like everyone else, who all had two parents. Everybody in her English class knew what their dad did.

Everyone but Pearl.

“You have two parents?” Mom says, confused. She glances around. “Because I don’t see anyone else here, do you?”

“Just me and you…” Pearl ventures, embarrassed.

“That’s right. Your dad is not here. He is not the one raising you. I am,” she insists. “So, if your teacher’s really about to grade students on their parents life choices, looks like you’d get an F from him.”

She turns her attention back to  _ The Oprah Winfrey Show _ , which has started now. Pearl’s definitely going to lose her attention soon. Now, Mom’s grumbling, “How many of these damn autobiographies do you have to do? I’m pretty sure I just helped you with one.”

“I could...interview  _ you _ ...” Pearl offers, quiet.

She holds her breath. Mom watches the whole rest of  _ Oprah _ before she turns to Pearl, smiling, “What’d you want to know?”

**1981**

_ The strangest thing happened on the way to work the other day: I was headed in, same as always, when I came upon an accident. Car smoking from the hood, in the ditch. Driver was a young woman, shaken up. Wasn’t technically on duty yet, but I’m a damn paramedic and if you think I’m not about to stop when somebody’s in trouble, you got another thing coming. And I tell you what, I cannot get her out of my mind: some folks might call her plain. Brown hair. Blue eyes. Little on the heavy side, but by God, there’s something about her… _

Paris is on his way to work, one perfect, clear Tuesday. Sun shining. Cloudless sky. Kool and the Gang on the radio telling him to celebrate good times, when it catches his eye. The brown boat of a car in the ditch.

He couldn’t not stop. Not on good conscience anyway. Not when he’s been on the job as a paramedic for three years. Doesn’t matter that he’s not on duty yet.

He approaches the car and that’s when he gets eyes on the driver, a white woman, small cut on her forehead, clutching the wheel.

“Ma’am?” he asks. “I’m a paramedic. I’m here to help you,” Paris says.

“I didn’t… I didn’t hear sirens…” she says, cautious.

“No, ma’am. I was on my way in. Is your neck hurting you?”

“No. I’m...just scared… Damn deer ran out in front of me...and…” she wells up with tears.

“Alright. That’s fine. Seems you missed him,” Paris reassures. After assessing her quickly and discerning her only major injuries were superficial, he tries the stuck driver’s side door.

Takes a few tugs but eventually it swings open. 

The smoke is getting thicker. The woman is still stunned in her seat.

“Ma’am. My name is Paris. What’s your name?” he asks. He knows there’s no time for particulars, but he’d rather she start moving on her own steam.

“C-Carla…” she manages.

“Carla. Nice to meet you. We’re in this together, okay? You’re gonna have to trust me. I need you to let go of the wheel.”

Slowly, Carla manages this. So slowly that Paris has to reach in and unbelt her. Lift her out of the car himself and carry her a few yards to safety.

He waves down a passing motorist to stay with Carla, and finds a payphone to call in the accident. Then, he continues on to work.

Days later, it’s the last thing Paris expects. Carla arriving at the firehouse in high-waisted blue jeans and a white halter top. Her hair’s pulled back, bangs curly, but he can still make out the bandaid on her forehead.

“I brought these,” she says, blushing and holding out a plate, with a brown swirly design around the edges. On the plate are peanut butter cookies - Paris can smell the peanut butter - decorated with one of those chocolate stars in the middle.

“Thank you so much,” he says.

“Thank _you_,” Carla says. “I never had anybody do anything for me like what you did…” she’s bashful all of a sudden. Blushing. He loves that he can see how she’s feeling so clearly.

They exchange numbers. She writes hers on his hand, the way girls in school did. She doesn’t look like she’s been out of school long.

A few phone calls confirm it.

She’s 18. He’s 28. 

This shouldn’t work.

But he can’t deny the attraction he feels when he’s around her. The first time he makes her laugh, it lifts him. The sound explodes out of her, like she simply cannot contain it.

Any woman with joy like that inside her? Well, Paris figures, that’s a woman he ought to spend time getting to know...


	3. Continuum

**2019**

_ Dear Pearl, _

_ Well, it’s that time of year again. Around here, we’re getting all set for Christmas. Honey, I wish you were here to get in on the fun - at least some of it. I’m sure, even if we were in touch, by now, you’d have had your own life...maybe a family of your own. Still...I can’t help thinking of how different things might’ve been. These days, I keep thinking about mistakes I’ve made - and the biggest one - leaving you. I’m so sorry. If you can ever forgive me, I’d love to see you someday, sweetie. Love, Dad. _

“Son, you got your ugly sweater?” Nia calls to Levi.

“Why?” he asks, testy as ever. 

Ever since his birthday recently Levi’s been madder than a wet hen, and Paris can’t figure out why, hard as he tries.

“Because, we’re doing the Christmas cards next month, and I wanna be sure you’ve got a good one,” Nia points out. She’s decked out in her own green sweater with a few stripes and a gaudy gold ribbon that sticks out of the whole front. (She likes to get it on early, to see if it still brings her joy.)

Levi turns to face them. He sighs in that world-weary way. “Y’all get that it’s June right now, right? Why are we doing Christmas cards in July?” he asks.

Something tightens inside Paris, and for a minute he thinks it’s his breathing, getting the better of him. But no. Just grief. (He’s been on oxygen full time since just before Levi’s birthday. There’s no denying it. He’s not getting any better.)

And maybe Levi knows this...or maybe...he just can’t face it yet...the reality that Paris may not be here for Christmas this year.

Nia covers well, distracting herself folding laundry. “We get a deal at the printer’s the earlier we get them done. Work with me here, will you, honey? Look around your closet for something suitable?”

“--And by that, she means  _ terrible _ \--” Paris interjects from the living room with a cackle, to hide his mounting sadness.

“I’ll do  _ Merry Stitchmas _ again,” Levi offers, walking into the kitchen to stand in front of the refrigerator. Levi’s always been a Disney fan. And even though Paris had loved  _ Moana _ and had seen it with Nia and Levi several times when Levi was 13, he was still partial to the little blue hell-raising alien from  _ Lilo and Stitch _ . So much so, that he even had a sweater - gaudy as hell - with Stitch in a Santa hat and scarf.

“And Dad’ll wear  _ Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal _ ,” Nia announces cheerfully. “We’re all set!”

“Uh, no we’re not,” Paris interjects, clearing his throat.

“Oh?” Nia wonders. “You’re not retiring your  _ Home Alone _ sweater, are you? I love that old thing…” Nia asks, leaning over the back of the recliner to kiss Paris soundly.

“No, you don’t…” Paris grins.

“You’re right. I don’t. It’s awful,” Nia smiles back, so her nose wrinkles. “So...what’s the problem?” she asks, coming around the chair to lean against it.

“Problem is...Panther here… She’s grown by leaps and bounds since last year.”

“Dad’s right,” Levi says, standing in the kitchen still empty-handed, despite spending several minutes in front of the open refrigerator. “She’s gonna hulk out of the sweater she’s got…”

“Well, so we get her a new one. It ain’t that hard. Is it, girl?” Paris asks Panther, who grins and puts her front paws in Paris’s lap.

“Except we can’t just go into a store and get us an ugly sweater for our Great Dane, honey…” Nia objects. “I want Panther to have a great sweater just like the rest of us...and Flora ain’t knitting anymore since she’s got arthritis so bad…I’ve always been able to count on her to take care of the dogs when it was time for Christmas cards. Back all the way to Vader and Hagrid...” 

“We’ll figure something out. We always do,” Paris says, kissing Nia again. 

“Gross,” Levi decides, excusing himself. But Paris can hear the smile in his voice, as he excuses himself. “Get a room.”

“We’re in one,” Paris calls behind his son. “It’s called the living room...and we are  _ living _ in it…”

“Stop!” Levi says, laughing in spite of his mood.

Paris lives to hear that laugh.

**2021**

_ It’s been three days and I am still walking on eggshells around Levi. It’s not a feeling I’m fond of. I’m too familiar with it, in fact, growing up with my mother. I definitely don’t want the same fear permeating my relationship with my brother. We have got to figure out how to coexist together, even in November… _

It’s after 9 PM on Thursday before Pearl even sees Levi. He’s been keeping an extremely low profile, barely talking.

He’s been working at County Market since Monday and she hasn’t heard a word about how it’s going - not that she hasn’t asked.

She catches him at the refrigerator - door open - glancing in. Pearl has to bite back her own mother’s retort - just here in her head - about how he’s wasting electricity.

“Levi? Can we talk?” she wonders.

“I guess,” he shrugs. “What?”

She’s been trying to apologize to him for days. So far, he’s just succeeded in walking away from her. Still, she’s got to keep trying. “I’m sorry. For insinuating your memories of Dad are wrong.”

He’s silent, regarding her with unreadable brown eyes.

“I know… I mean, I can’t imagine how hard this month is for you. But I want to be able to talk to you, Levi. I want us to be able to talk about Dad together. I get that it’s a sensitive subject. But I lived almost 25 years of my life walking on eggshells, and I’d really rather not keep up that trend now.”

He approaches, laptop in hand, and sits down beside Pearl on the couch. 

Pearl doesn’t breathe. She can barely make out trust - the thinnest filament - strung between them. If she pushes too hard - pulls too much - it will snap.

“It’s my first time on as safe person for Mari and Fran. My first time really around their moms… Do you--I don’t know--I was just thinking…” Levi hedges.

“What do you need?” she asks. “Whatever it is, I want to help,” she encourages.

“Could you...be here? You can hang out off screen...or on...I asked Fran and Mari. They both love the idea of double the safe people. But only if you want…”

“I do. Yeah. And if it gets to be too much for you and you need to step away, please do. Know that I won’t leave them in the lurch.”

“Okay…” he manages. “And I’m sorry. For playing your tape without asking. I do wanna talk about him. I just… I’m used to keeping it pretty close, because Mom would get sad.”

“Even if I get sad,” Pearl offers. “I’d always rather know. My whole life has been full of secrets. I’d love some truth time.”

Levi’s mouth opens briefly. Pearl’s still thinking of that barely-there trust - he’s a fish on land. No words. Hardly any breath.

Suddenly, he’s focused on the screen, tapping Mariana’s name on Facebook video chat.

\--

Levi almost let it slip.

But Pearl’s talking about truth about Dad - the other truth can wait some. Or forever. Levi really could live his whole life without her knowing the thing he’s kept to himself all this time.

He blinks, seeing Mariana and Fran sitting across a big brown table side by side.

“Hi, Levi!” Fran waves.

“Hey, Fran,” he returns. “So, I’m here, to make sure everything goes smoothly. And there’s no disrespecting y’all. Pearl’s here, too. Backup for me,” he moves the laptop so the camera includes her. She waves, too.

And Levi does his best to listen. But his mind keeps wandering.

“How was therapy?” Stef asks, and Levi can see Mariana cringe.

“They don’t get to ask us that, do they?” Fran worries. “Because privacy,”

“You don’t have to answer,” Levi says, feeling fear rise in him. What if he’s giving them terrible advice? Advice that will cost them later, when they’re not connected with safe people to make sure they’re okay?

Levi slides his gaze to Pearl, a question.

“Fran’s right,” Pearl pipes up. “Therapy’s off limits unless Mariana or Fran bring it up themselves.”

“Well...how was your day?” Lena tries, sounding beyond uncomfortable, and Levi feels like he’s about to crawl out of his skin. The half hour drags by.

Finally when it’s nearly 10 PM, they finish up, and Levi breathes a sigh of relief, shuddering. “Gross,” he says decidedly.

“Yeah?” Pearl asks, sympathetic.

“Yeah… They’re so… They remind me of your mom. Sorry,” he apologizes.

“No, you’re right,” Pearl encourages.

“Anyway. I don’t want us to walk on eggshells around each other,” Levi continues. “Can I...still have a hug good night?”

“Of course you can,” Pearl nods, gathering him in her arms and holding him in a way that’s somehow both warm and firm. It reminds Levi more of Dad than almost any other hug he’s gotten. 

He blinks back tears.

Thinks again about telling.

But no.

The past is in the past for a reason, as Dad would say. 

Best to leave it there.

  
  


**2019**

Once Levi’s alone in his bedroom, he knows just where he’s going. 

Graduating on his birthday had been sorta cool, and it had been devastating at the same time. Dad there in a wheelchair, on oxygen. He’d been glad Dad had the stuff he needed, but still. Levi wasn’t naive. He knew the frequency of Dad’s attacks was growing. Knew by now, it was more than just a cough. He wasn’t gonna get better.

Walking across the stage to accept his diploma, the highest honor sash around his neck and tassel on his cap, had been one of the proudest moments of his life. But it also made him deeply lonesome, in a way he hadn’t been able to explain.

He needed more family. He was losing Dad. That much was clear. And pretty soon, it was just gonna be Levi and Mom, alone. Two people...they couldn’t make a family, could they? Not when their family always had three in it…

So, that night, while his friends had been off at the all night senior party, Levi had been home, in his room, searching all over the internet.

Now, he pulls up the Pawsitive Knitting Etsy shop and finds her email address. Easy enough. Now at least he has a valid reason to contact her. Levi’s not naive, though. He still lives under his parents’ roof and has got to follow their rules. No sharing personal info with strangers...but does that count if the stranger is technically your sister?

Still, Levi errs on the side of caution and creates a separate email address with no identifiers in it. Clicks on  _ message seller _ . Takes a deep breath.

**StitchFix626: ** _ Hi. Question. Do you make big dog clothes? _

Levi holds his breath. This was a bad idea. He knows only horrible things have happened when he’s tried to see Pearl before. Besides, she has no idea who he is. Maybe, doesn’t know he exists at all.

He should just go.

**Knit1Purl1: ** _ Hello! Answer: Yes, I do. _

(Oh, holy God. She answered him. What now? Think, Levi. Come on…)

**StitchFix626: ** _ How big? No reason. (OMG, I’m nervous. 1st time in an Etsy shop…) _

(First time talking to my sister…)

**Knit1Purl1:** _ All sizes. Got a St. Bernard? (Don’t be nervous. I’m happy to help.) _

**StitchFix626: ** _ Great Dane, actually… _

**Knit1Purl1: ** _ Aw, beautiful! What kind of clothes are you looking for? _

**StitchFix626: ** _ Well, this is kind of a strange request but...do you by any chance do ugly Christmas sweaters? (I’m totally blanking on ideas, but it needs to be epic…) _

**Knit1Purl1: ** _ I have actually done them before, yes! And I have copious amounts of brown yarn. There was a sale. Anyway. How would your dog feel about a reindeer sweater? I’ll make sure it’s appropriately hideous. _

(God, how is she just like them? She’d fit right into their family… Levi fights the very real urge to call off the game right now and identify himself. Invite her to Denver to be in the ugly Christmas cards, Halloween, Thanksgiving, whatever she wants.)

**StitchFix626: ** _ Perfect! _

**Knit1Purl1: ** _ Okay! Go click on Custom Orders and send me a paragraph on any details you’ve got (especially size of your dog). Place your order. Once I have the information, I can begin your project and send it out in about a week’s time. _

**StitchFix626: ** _ Thank you so much. Okay to check in and see how it’s going? _

**Knit1Purl1: ** _ I’ll keep you informed via email.  _

(Ouch. Too eager.)

**Knit1Purl1: ** _ (Quick question though: Do you knit?) _

**StitchFix626: ** _ No… _

**Knit1Purl1: ** _ Oh. Sew? _

**StitchFix626: ** _ No… _

**Knit1Purl1: ** _ Ah. Well, you have an amazing screen name, regardless! _

(Oh, God, this conversation might be saved after all. She thinks he has an awesome screen name… Levi has to fight the urge to spill his major Disney love right here and now. But it’s so not the right time for that. He takes a deep breath and manages one more sentence, feeling like this is some amazing dream he doesn’t want to wake up from…)

**StitchFix626: ** _ Thanks for all your help! _

Levi quickly goes to find a tape measure. Then YouTubes  _ How Do I Measure My Great Dane?  _ So he can get the details to Pearl, fast.

He needs this sweater to be perfect.

Dad needs it.

(All the better that it’s coming from someone they both love so much.)


	4. Origins

**2001**

It’s Tuesday.

That’s Pearl’s first thought when Mom comes into her room without knocking.

“Get up,” she says. 

It sounds tense, her voice. Something must be wrong. It’s barely after 10 AM. Pearl is rarely up before noon. Her mother knows this. Still, this depression, it makes her slow to move. Taking the blankets off: three seconds. Swing your legs over: three seconds.

“Pearl, hurry up. I don’t want to miss anything, and I can’t watch this alone,” Mom insists.

Blearily, Pearl wonders if Mom rented _ The Blair Witch Project _ again.

But out in front of the living room TV, Pearl finds it’s much, much worse than four college students vanishing into the forest. This is beyond words. Unthinkable. Something she has never even considered in all of her eighteen years of life.

“I don’t want to go to work today. Grandma Hughes called, she said there are bomb threats at the hospital,” Mom says. “I can’t watch, but I can’t stop watching…”

Pearl sits, numb. The moments from an hour ago, from moments ago play and replay. And Pearl feels an intense sense that this must be some alternate reality she’s living through.

But no.

Mom’s here, on the couch with her. Willingly missing work, mangling Kleenex in her hand, the phone pressed to her ear.

Pearl catches snatches of the words, but knows better than to ask:

“_ Do you think he’s…? _”

“_ He wouldn’t go, would he _?”

“_ Well, yes, I hate him, but I don’t want him dead. _”

Finally, Pearl can’t resist anymore. “Who are you talking about?” she asks, her voice quiet and strange to her own ears. A pause. “Jared?”

Mom covers the mouthpiece and snaps. “No, I’m not talking about Jared! Why would I be talking to _ Grandma _ about Jared?! Sorry, I’ve got Clueless over here, asking stupid questions. What were you saying?”

Pearl sinks back on the couch. Her eyes feel sandpaper-dry. She’s too numb to even feel afraid. Mom can feel fear. But Pearl is long past that. 

This must be a dream. It must be. Vaguely, she thinks about Dad, glad he’s not at risk right now at least. That’s the thing about dying. Once you’re gone, you can’t die again.

Time passes - a river of taffy melting - trying to flow. 

Woodenly, she gets up to do the things she must, to function: Use the bathroom. Get lunch together. Urge Mom to shower, promising to let her know the second something new develops.

It’s what they do for each other. Mom motivated her two years ago. Wouldn’t let her sleep through her own life. It’s time for Pearl to return the favor.

But it doesn’t mean Pearl doesn’t wish deeply that she were still asleep.

When she’s asleep, the only person who gets destroyed is Pearl herself. She doesn’t have to worry about the whole damn world.

**2010**

_ I don’t want to talk about what I want to be when I grow up. I already know fire-fiters can be men or wimen. I need to talk about my dad. My dad got hurt by bad air when he was saving people from the towers. He feels afraid in closed places. On 9/11 he feels scared and sad. That makes it so hard for him to breathe sometimes. And we have to call 911. But that’s the same reason he got hurt in the first place. I think we should call a different number. - Levi West. 2nd grade journal. _

Levi puts his head down on his desk. 

All he can think about is the sound Daddy was making when he was trying to breathe. Right before Levi got on the bus, he had a big attack. Mom even had to call the ambulance.

Levi still doesn’t know for sure if Daddy’s okay. Mom said she’d call when she got the all-clear, but she hasn’t yet. It’s been hours. Levi doesn’t have a cell phone yet either, like some kids in school. So, he just prays a lot.

“Levi? What do you want to be when you grow up? It doesn’t say here,” Mrs. Moss says.

“I know,” he answers. “That’s on purpose.”

Kids all around him giggle and say, “Oooh…”

“That was the assignment. I need you to read the directions carefully and follow them.”

“No, thank you,” he says, burying his head again.

“I’m sorry?” Mrs. Moss asks.

“I choose not to,” Levi says, his voice muffled in his arms.

“Then, you’re choosing to lose a ticket,” she says. Tickets are little construction paper strips. You fold them like an accordian - that’s an instrument Dad showed him one time. You start the week with five tickets. If you lose tickets, you lose privileges like recess.

In four days of school, Levi’s never lost a ticket.

He walks up to the board, and it feels like every person’s eyes are burning into him. He hears the whispers behind his back and blinks the tears away. His throat gets all clogged. Maybe he has asthma, too. Maybe he’ll die. (Maybe Daddy did…)

He can only see a blur of red strips, all taped side by side by side to the rail where the markers sit for the whiteboard. He tries to focus his eyes. To take the ones that he wrote _LW_ on and not anybody else’s.

It takes a thousand years.

Levi gets down in front of the tickets and squints. Then he carefully tears off one and hands it to Mrs. Moss.

When all the other kids go out for recess, Levi has to stay in. Mrs. Moss gives him a fresh piece of handwriting paper and tells him to take out a pencil. To write four sentences about what he wants to be when he grows up.

Levi starts to cry for real. She doesn’t get it. That this isn’t just a regular day. This is an emergency day.

“I need you to calm down and do the assignment, okay? You’re very smart, and I know you can do this,” Mrs. Moss tries again.

The phone rings on Mrs. Moss’s classroom wall. She goes to answer it.

“Oh,” she says, in a surprised way, turning to Levi. “Levi, it’s for you.”

Warily, wiping his eyes, Levi comes and takes the phone from his teacher. He turns his back to her for privacy. “Hello?” he asks, trying to sound brave.

“_ How’s my sweetest boy _?” Daddy’s voice asks, all hoarse and whispery.

“How’s my bravest Dad?” Levi asks back.

“_ Oh, I’m gonna be just fine. Mommy wants to talk to your teacher for a minute. I love you, Levi _.”

“I love you, Daddy,” Levi says quietly, trying to bite back his tears, behind his teeth.

He hands the phone to Mrs. Moss and then stands close enough that he can hear both of their voices talking. Mom asking how Levi’s been today and explaining about the hard morning. That it was because Levi saw Daddy get taken away in an ambulance when he was at the bus stop.

Mrs. Moss said, “Oh, I had no idea. Levi never mentioned… No. Yes, he’s been a little out of sorts.”

_ “Today’s a hard day for our family. I need you to understand that. Levi’s dealing with a lot. And he’s just a little boy. He’s seven years old, Mrs. Moss.” _

“Yes, Mrs. West, I understand,” Mrs. Moss says and then hangs up. 

Levi regards the blank paper on his desk. And then turns to Mrs. Moss, guilty.

And Levi watches, stunned, as Mrs. Moss walks up to the board and tapes Levi’s ticket back to the rest.

“I’m glad your dad’s going to be okay, Levi,” Mrs. Moss says.

“I can do my work now,” Levi offers bravely. “I wanna be a builder when I grow up. To make buildings extra strong, so they can never fall.”

**2016**

_ Had the damn nightmares all night again. Levi’s fixing to interview me about 9-11 and right about now I’m having major doubts. So sure I was back there. The cloying dark. The thick air. Burning jet fuel. Twisted metal. Tasting hopelessness. So many of us missing. So many people dead. Dreamed I was a shell walking around. Some ghost of a man. People just kept looking right through me, like they do when I try to explain it. Will they listen now? - Paris West, morning. _

**THIRTEEN YEAR OLD LEVI: ** _ [arranges his cell phone and steps away to sit down in a kitchen chair pulled up beside Paris.] _

**PARIS: ** _ [gets comfortable in a recliner in the Wests living room] _

**LEVI: ** _ So just, try to ignore the camera… _

**PARIS: ** _ It’s not a camera, it’s your phone. _

**LEVI: ** _ Okay, but that’s the way technology is now, Dad. _

**PARIS: ** _ Well, if I can’t look at your phone, where in the hell should I look? [laughs] _

**LEVI: ** _ Just look at me. Pretend we’re just having a normal conversation. _

**PARIS: ** _ Right. A normal conversation for the YouTube. _

**LEVI:** _ Dad. It’s not _ the _ YouTube. It’s just YouTube. _

**PARIS: ** _ Fine. Today it’s Paris-Tube. How’d you like that? _

**LEVI:** _ [laughs] Okay. Seriously, Dad, can we be serious for a second? _

**PARIS: ** _ Sure. _

**LEVI: ** _ So, you know I have this assignment for school. History class. We have to talk to somebody who has what they call ‘lucid memories’ of 9/11. So, not like anybody who was a small child. And I know I asked before we started but...are you still cool if I ask you some questions about it? _

**PARIS: ** _ Yes. _ _ You’ve gotta do your school project, son. _

**LEVI: ** _ Technically, I’m supposed to write about it. Like, a paper. But I think it’s important people put a face to it, you know? _

**PARIS: ** _ Humanize it. _

**LEVI: ** _ I guess, yeah. So...before we started this whole recording thing...I asked you to pick which questions you’d feel most comfortable answering. So those are the ones I’m gonna ask. We can cut anytime. We can scrap the whole thing. I can take an F. I don’t care. _

**PARIS: ** _ I appreciate your heart, son. It’s in the right place, but by God, this is second grade all over again. You failing school ain’t gonna help me. ...But talking about it just might...so let’s get to it… _

**LEVI: ** _ How old were you? [here, LEVI flashes a piece of paper at PARIS] Is that right? If you don’t wanna say your age? _

**PARIS:** _ [laughs; coughs] I’ll say my age! I was 48. _

**LEVI: ** _ And...where were you? _

**PARIS: ** _ Living in Brainerd, Minnesota at the time and working as a paramedic. _

**LEVI: ** _ What were you doing at the time? Not the job, just...in life. _

**PARIS: ** _ I had just written a letter I was fixing to mail… Figured I’d try one more time to contact your sister. Seeing as she was eighteen, maybe she’d’ve been able to get in touch. It’d been three months, and so far, nothing. _

**LEVI: ** _ How did you learn about it? _

**PARIS: ** _ Same as most everybody else who wasn’t right in it, I expect. I turned on the television, watched the news, and after about five minutes? The first plane hit. _

**LEVI: ** _ [shocked and stunned; tries to process this] What did you think at first? _

**PARIS: ** _ Well, at first I thought a number of things, you know? Denial’s powerful. So I thought, you know… Mechanical failure. Maybe the pilot had a heart attack… But then the second plane hit, and that’s when I figured… _

**LEVI: ** _ How did you react? Like, what did you do? _

**PARIS: ** _ I’m a firefighter, son. I knew they’d be on scene and I knew they’d need all the help they could get. So, I got in my car, and I started driving. _

**LEVI: ** _ Wait. You _ drove _ to New York? _

**PARIS: ** _ Airports were closed, Levi. There was no way in Sam Hill I was going to get on a plane… _

**LEVI: ** _ Right. Yeah, that makes sense. So, how long did it take you to get there? _

**PARIS: ** _ Right about three days. Stayed for about a week. _

**LEVI: ** _ Like...physically… How did you react? _

**PARIS: ** _ Driving out there, or? _

**LEVI: ** _ Whenever you want to say… _

**PARIS: ** _ Well, driving out there, I was pretty numb. I was glued to the radio, but it’s not the same as seeing it. Without the visual, it’d be near impossible to picture, especially without a grasp of...the scope of it. I guess. _

**LEVI: ** _ Emotionally? _

**PARIS: ** _ Well, emotionally...I was devastated. But I was devastated before this all happened, because of not being able to connect with your sister. Because of messing things up so badly in my relationship with her. In a way, this galvanized me. Pushed me forward. Got me out of my own head. I was focused on saving people I could save...instead of beating myself up about the one I couldn’t. _

**LEVI: ** _ [gently] Dad, I’m pretty sure she forgives you… [awkward pause] _ _ You said you were scared to get on a plane. Were you scared...I don’t know, just in general? _

**PARIS: ** _ You bet I was. Nobody knew what was happening. There was no template for this. People were using Pearl Harbor quotes to describe it, and that was well before I was even born. Nobody had seen this. Not in my lifetime anyway. _

**LEVI: ** _ What images stick in your mind still...if you wanna say? _

**PARIS: ** _ [Silent a moment, thinking] It’s more sounds…. [staring past LEVI here; distant] More sounds...and smells. The ash...it covered damn near everything… Can we…? Next question? _

**LEVI: ** _ [refers to notes; a bit shaken] Uh… You want to describe the tone of the country that day? _   


**PARIS:** _ I’d say...that day...that week...even on through October...if I had to use one word, I’d say somber. I know some folks would say patriotic. But..for me...patriotism...there’s almost a...an element of celebration in that word. And there was nothing to celebrate. Missing posters… God, honey, there were so many missing… Firehouses in New York missing six or eight of their people, and just expected to carry on. Keep working. _

**LEVI: ** _ [hurt] Wait. Isn’t there like...I don’t know...grief-leave? For them to have for their friends? _

**PARIS: ** _ But how long do you hold out hope, son? _

**LEVI: ** _ [determined; almost indignant] _ I’d _ never stop. If it were you? I’d never stop hoping… _

**PARIS: ** _ [blinks back tears] I know that. But this was an emergency like the country had never seen. It was massive and it was ongoing. And as first responders, it was our duty to be there. To show up. We cannot lie down when tragedy hits, or we’d never move again. That’s why those folks came to work every day. Understand? _

**LEVI: ** _ Yes, sir. _

**PARIS: ** _ Ready to move on? _

**LEVI: ** _ Well, you answered my next question already, about the days and weeks following...so… How did your personal life change after 9/11? _

**PARIS: ** _ Everything changed. I moved. Reconnected with your mother. Had you. _

**LEVI: ** _ [carefully] Those are great positive things. But...anything negative you wanna include? People are gonna hear this. What do you want them to know? Kids my age. Maybe adults who weren’t there, who don’t get what it was like? _

**PARIS: ** _ People don’t wanna consider the physical toll. The mental toll this took on people. I’ve got major lung damage. Asthma. I’ve got Post Traumatic Stress, even though I ain’t never been to war. I wake up thinking about it. I go to sleep thinking about it. While I’m sleeping, I dream about it. Nightmares. Vivid as hell. _

_ One night our smoke alarm went off when you were a baby. Nothing terrible. But I was up out of bed, I grabbed you out of the crib and was fixing to break the bedroom window before your mother talked some sense into me. Turned out she’d been up to feed you and before she went back to bed, she made toast and fell back asleep before it popped. _

**LEVI: ** _ [winces] Oooh. She burnt the toast? And you were about to...what...bust the window out, carrying a baby? _

**PARIS:** _I was gonna do whatever I had to do to get us out. Luckily, your mom managed to get to me before I broke our bedroom window in January… [coughs]_

**LEVI: ** _ Yeah, I’m glad. That would’ve been cold. But I’m sorry. That happened. _

**PARIS: ** _ I know. _

**LEVI:** _ Okay, last question. How do you feel now when you think about 9/11? _

**PARIS: ** _ Feels selfish to personalize it. But I suppose I feel...grief? A lot of grief and loss and… I feel emptiness. I feel numb. Because of the senselessness of it. _

**LEVI: ** _ Thank you for talking to me, Dad. _

**PARIS: ** _ [clearing his throat] My pleasure, son. It’s always my pleasure. And I love you. _

**LEVI: ** _ [laughs] Okay. I love you, too, Dad. [LEVI steps over, his hand covers the screen. Video stops recording.] _


	5. Philosophy

**2020**

_ Dear Mom, I’m sorry. I love you. I just can’t stay here anymore. It’s not home. I can’t keep pretending that it’s all gonna be okay. It’s not. He’s gone. We’re never going to be okay again. I have to deal with that. I can’t take comfort in church like you can. You grew up here, and you love it, and I love that for you...but I can’t keep doing this. I have to get out. I’ll call to let you know I’m safe. Love, Levi. _

Levi leaves the note in plain sight for his mom, who still would rather he do things the old fashioned way. She doesn’t text, and she hasn’t figured out how to check her voicemail. It’s the least he can do to leave her a note.

It’s been almost ten months since Dad died. And it’s not getting any easier.

Seeing  _ her _ at The Barn had done it. Pearl’s mom. Tripped him up over the pile of feelings and memories he’d managed, slowly, to bury. In homework. In excelling. In denial.

He hadn’t spoken to Pearl since just before Dad died. Even after all those months, Levi still hadn’t figured out how to tell her who he really was. 

And then...Carla waited on them when all Levi wanted was to eat his omelet and try to rebuild things with Mom. Moving suddenly away from the only home he ever knew with Dad wasn’t Levi’s idea of comforting. But he hadn’t had a choice, and he found himself back in Brainerd...where he hadn’t been since that day when he was eight years old...and everything just...went.

Instead of making him realize what an amazing mom he had, seeing Carla had made Levi kinda uneasy around her. Even though she’d never done anything like what Carla had. Even though she’d been nothing but kind to him.

Levi had thought that, if anything, seeing Carla would put to bed any old desire he might’ve had to find Pearl. But instead, it did the exact opposite. And Levi hated whatever it was inside him that drove him away from his mom and toward Pearl...when he really knows so little about her.

But they’ve talked over the last couple months. Levi barely remembers the first time he stepped up on her porch and knocked on the door. He hadn’t remembered thinking anything except:  _ Please don’t pass out right now _ . He didn’t remember a thing he’d said. Just that he’d shown Pearl a picture of himself with Dad. Handed her an envelope with pictures and official papers. 

She hadn’t exactly been warm.

What would she do if she ever found out that he basically catfished her last year?

But things hadn’t been all bad. They’d texted. She’d even invited him back a couple of times “just to hang out,” when he mentioned having Mom-drama.

(Pearl was “well-versed.” Did that mean she hurt Pearl, too? Or just him?)

Even though Levi wants nothing more than to leave this place and never look back, he steps up onto Pearl’s porch again. This time, he memorizes every detail because - and Levi knows this deep down - he won’t be back.

It looks small and forgotten, hidden away by lots of trees. You’d have to really know it’s back here to even be able to find it. (Did Pearl even want to be found? All signs pointed to no…)

He knocks.

And Pearl pulls the door open. And Levi almost loses it because, God… They look alike. And more than that? She looks like Dad. Someone Levi loves and hasn’t seen for months.

“Uh...bye…” he manages.

“What are you talking about? Why are you packed?” Pearl looked troubled.

“I’m moving. Back to Denver. It...it’s just time.” Levi is so tired.

“Wait. I thought...I thought you said you could work things out with your mom.” Pearl points out.

Levi shrugs.

“Does she know you’re leaving? You’re seventeen!” Pearl insists. “Barely!”

“I left a note,” Levi comments softly.

In his head, he can hear the shrill notes of last night’s argument. 

_ “Why would you do this? Why would you make me move all the way up here? I don’t know anybody! Nobody knows me! I miss Dad… Are we just...supposed to forget him?”  _

_ “No...I just...couldn’t live there any longer, baby. Not without him.” _

_ “And I can’t live  _ here _ without him… I’m going to bed.” _

“Please come inside. Think things through,” Pearl urges, here, in front of him.

And the look in her eyes is so like Dad’s (the gesture, the words, all of it) that Levi has no choice.

Somehow, as he steps over the threshold into Pearl’s cabin, he knows it’s the right thing.

**1999**

Afterward, it’s all Pearl can do to get up and go to the bathroom. 

She hibernates in her room, warning away Mom’s incessant knocking with “ _ I have the flu _ .” Mom hates vomit. It should cause her to steer clear and give Pearl some time to figure out what the hell to do.

But a week is all the time she’s afforded before her self-imposed exile is broken by Mom:

“What’s wrong?” she insists, sounding impatient. “You need to tell me and stop hiding in your room. School called. They said you haven’t been there all week. SuperOne fired you for no-showing. Is this how you’re going to live your life? Half-assing it when things get a little hard?”

“I was raped…” Pearl manages, her voice raw.

“What do you mean you were raped?” Mom asks, like Pearl just said something both stupid and offensive.

“I mean...Jared...he…” Pearl clamps her teeth shut against the wave of nausea as she thinks about it. Fights dimming at the edges of her vision.

“Jared from work?” Mom asks. “The nice one who gave you rides all those times?”

Pearl nods mutely.

“Well, we have to tell the police,” Mom decides.

“No...it’s… That’s the last thing I want,” Pearl manages. “Besides, it’s too late. I already showered. A lot.”

Mom seems both mad and at a loss. “Well, what do you want me to do then? Why did you say anything if you’re just going to lie around in bed? You need to get up. And go to school.”

“What about...I don’t want anybody to know…” Pearl objects.

“You are this close to graduating, young lady. Do not throw away all my hard work,” Mom threatens - her voice is a gun - loaded, cocked.

Pearl swallows. 

“Get up. I will call the school and fix this. But you had better finish out the year. Do you understand me?”

Nodding, Pearl gets up. Barely feeling her body, she puts on clothes. Mom says she’ll take Pearl to school, but first, they go by the police station, where Mom insists Pearl tell the officer on duty what happened. ( _ “Just tell them you don’t know who it was. No need ruining someone’s life over this. Not when he’s got so much ahead of him. _ ”)

Inside, Pearl clams up and can’t say a word. 

Mom doesn’t have that problem. 

They give her paper and have her write it down. But she can’t write a thing. She just sits until her mom takes her, exasperated, and drops her off at school.

“If you were just going to waste my time, you could’ve given me a heads up. Instead of making me look like a fool in front of the damn cops!”

“Sorry…” Pearl manages. She’s so tense her jaw hurts. She hasn’t ridden in a car since last weekend, when...

She gets to school late. All the girls who never so much as speak to her swarm her: 

“Did you hear? Someone was raped last weekend! And held at gunpoint! My dad heard about it from a source. He’s a cop.” The girl’s eyes are gleeful.

“Yeah...I...I heard…” Pearl says, feeling nothing.

“Wouldn’t it be weird if we knew her?” one girl asks another.

“I know, right?” the other says. Their eyes look strangely bright as they gossip about the destruction of Pearl’s life.

She does homework by rote. Runs track harder and faster than ever. Until the wind fills her ears and she can’t hear the sounds from that night anymore. Until nothing matters but the burning in her muscles. The pushing herself just a little bit further each time.

Running saves her when she cannot save herself.

Because by the time she gets home, Pearl collapses into bed, too exhausted to contemplate death or Jared seeking revenge. Being forced back into daily life a week after she’d been brutalized means that she becomes an expert at compartmentalizing. 

Shutting down the parts of her that don’t help her accomplish whatever the next goal is.

Pearl isn’t naive - not anymore. She knows she can only keep this up for so long.

On Tuesday, there’s another school shooting. The biggest one yet. She sits, glued to the television as live coverage unfolds. This news a suffocating blanket layered on top of the one already smothering her. She can see bodies. Kids like her, in a suburban school.

Mom gets home and flips off the TV, distracted. “Why haven’t you started dinner yet?”

She gets up - a walking corpse, a soulless body - to do what she must. Numb and number. But as long as she’s successfully impersonating a functioning human being, that’s all that matters, right?

She preheats the oven for a Tombstone pizza - how apropos.

And Pearl knows: No matter how far she runs? Tragedy will find her.

**1961**

_ It is a white car with brown on the doors and the back. - Paris West, age 8 _

Paris runs until a stitch forms in his side. Until he can’t breathe. See. Until too many tears leak down, like tiny rivers.

He can’t stop running.

As long as he keeps running, the truth of this can stay far behind him.

The smashed car. The horn blaring. And Paris heard the words the policeman said: “Fatal.” That meant everybody died. Mommy. Daddy. People from the other car who smashed into them.

When Paris heard this, he ran.

He didn’t know he was going to, it just happened.

Since he didn’t have a camera, he took out a stub of a pencil from his pocket, and a scrap of paper that he was using to write down all the words he didn’t know, to look up in the dictionary later. He needed to be sure he remembered what the car looked like.

He didn’t know why. It just seemed important.

It’s dark by the time he walks home. Opens the door. Crawls into Lonnie’s lap as she sits on the couch. 

Paris lays down, head in her lap.

“It’s just the two of us now,” Lonnie says quietly. “So, you gotta listen to me. Understand?”

“But what if I don’t agree with you?” Paris asks, wiping his face, streaking tears and dirt across it.

“It don’t matter. I am eighteen. And the law says that means I’m a grown woman. I may be your sister, but you’re gonna have to mind me like Mama,” Lonnie explains. “This is very important,” she softens, stroking his hair. “We’re all we got left.”

“How are we gonna buy food?” Paris worries.

“We’ll get by. The church’ll help us,” Lonnie says. “‘Til I can get a good job.”

“I can help us,” Paris insists, rushing to get his piggy bank. Its face looks a little scary, like a clown, but just now, it don’t bother Paris. He’ll touch it. They need money. “Bust this open and have all my money.”

“Perry, no. Keep your money. Come back up here. Now, you remember...that Mama and Daddy named us for all the places they hoped we’d see someday.”

“Paris and London,” Paris says, knowing. He can sorta heart Dad’s voice when he says that.

“That’s right. So you need to work hard at school. Study. And keep yourself out of trouble. It’s not safe out there,” Lonnie says, glancing at the dark windows.

And Paris knows she’s telling the truth. Because out there cars get all smashed up and Mommys and Daddys get gone.


	6. Lesson

**2019**

Levi shows up at youth group with only one objective: talk to Cheyanne.

She’s been a friend for a long time. Since middle school she’d taken him under her wing. (Somebody had to. Small-for-his-age and only nine years old, Levi had needed someone in his corner.)

Like most of his friends, Cheyanne’s two years older. Which works in his favor ‘cause it means she’s eighteen.

He sits through all of youth group just to catch her at the end: “Can we talk?” he asks.

“Sure. Here?” she asks, gesturing to the quiet sanctuary.

“Maybe not…” Levi ventures. “Pretty sure I’ll go to hell or something if I talk about it here.”

“Okay,” Cheyanne nods. 

They don’t go far. Stand outside church with their backs to the building, staring up at a million stars. “So...I kinda did a thing? And I don’t want you to hate me…”

“What thing?” Cheyanne asks, no judgment. 

“Listen. I can’t lie. I… I’m trying to surprise Dad with this ugly sweater for Panther,” Levi begins. 

“--For the Christmas card—” they both chorus. Cheyanne knows all their traditions.

“Right,” he nods. “And...back when we graduated...I kinda...found Pearl?” he admits.

“Wait. Your sister?” Cheyanne asks. “From your Dad’s first marriage?” 

Levi nods. “Turns out she knits…” he says weakly.

“Levi…” Cheyanne sighs. “What are you doin’?”

“I don’t know! I just—need to know her. I can’t explain it. And we need a sweater for Panther. It seemed like a good idea at the time,” he slumps. 

Cheyanne doesn’t speak. 

“Except I’m lying to people,” Levi admits softly. “I’m lying to _ Pearl _. But what if she has no idea who I am, Chey? What if she just...doesn’t want anything to do with me? I’m already in this… I can’t lose anymore family right now. I just… I can’t.”

“Listen. What’d you need?” Cheyanne asks. “Whatever it is — long as it’s not illegal — I’ll help you. You know that.”

“I need to use your name and mailing address. I don’t want it to come to the house,” Levi starts. 

“That’s fine,” Cheyanne nods.

“ — And —” Levi hands her a wad of bills. “Could you please pay for it using your Paypal? That covers everything, I just...don’t want to ruin the surprise.”

“You don’t want Pearl seeing your last names match,” Cheyanne points out, knowing.

Levi hangs his head. “Yes, okay? Yes. If she finds out I’m not telling her the whole truth, she’s gonna hate me.”

“Don’t you think you oughta tell her?” Cheyanne asks carefully. “I mean, what with y’all’s dad being so sick?”

“Cheyanne, he’s a great father...to me. But it’s no secret in our family that he left her. He left her when she was super young. She might not want a relationship with him anyway. She might hate his guts. And mine,” Levi worries.

“Okay. Okay, okay. I’ll take care of the Paypal. But promise me one thing?” Cheyanne asks.

“What?” Levi winces.

“Eventually, you tell her the truth. Y’all ain’t ever gonna have a solid sibling relationship if it’s built on a lie,” Cheyanne says seriously.

“You’re doing the thing where you remind me of my mom…” Levi sighs, leaning against her, arm to arm.

“You’re acting so foolish, you need a mom right now,” Cheyanne tells him.

**2012**

_Pearl, Would you believe it? Your brother’s starting middle school today. At 9 years old. Can’t help but remember when you were just a little bit of a thing, and getting dropped off at Kindergarten. What are you up to these days? Got any pets? We’ve got Hagrid. I don’t know what Nia’s attraction is to these big dogs, but they’re not so bad. Like big teddy bears. Talk to you real soon. Love, Dad_

“Daddy?” Levi asks from the back seat, Hagrid’s giant head in his lap.

“What is it, son?” Paris wonders, glancing at him in the rearview mirror.

“Are nine-year-olds even _ allowed _ in middle school?” Levi’s skeptical. Paris can see this.

“Well, not usually, no. But this is a special case. Some kids learn faster than other kids. Your sister, for example. She started Kindergarten a year before the other kids.”

“Was she nervous, too?” Levi wonders.

“Oh, yes. She sure was. Thought she’d get in trouble if anybody found out she was really only four.”

“Did she?” Levi asks.

“No,” Paris smiles. “Kids don’t get in trouble for things like that. Grownups understand that kids learn at different speeds. Some learn faster. Some slower. Some in between.”

“I’m scared,” Levi admits.

“Well, I’ll tell you what? A friend of mine, Mr. Lake? He’s got a daughter in sixth grade this year, too. Name’s Cheyanne. And he said she’s happy to show you around, and make sure you’re safe getting to all your classes. How’s that sound?”

“Is she nice?” Levi asks, petting Hagrid.

“Near as I can tell,” Paris offers.

They pull up in front of the middle school, and little Cheyanne’s waiting for them with her dad. 

“That’s her, right here,” Paris points out.

Levi waves, shy.

Paris makes his way out of the car and meets Levi, who’s hugging the life out of Hagrid. “I’ll see you soon, okay? I promise. I’ll tell you all about middle school...if I survive…”

“Honey, you’ll survive,” Paris reassures. 

Levi turns around, betrayal in his eyes and slap-cheeked heat rising in his face.

“Dad,” he whispers, glancing nervously at Cheyanne. “Don’t call me that, or all the kids are gonna make fun of me and think I’m a baby…”

Paris blinks. “I’m sorry. Guess I never had a middle schooler before either. I’m new at this.”

“I won’t tell,” Cheyanne confides. “My dad called me sweetie…” she wrinkles her nose. “Bye Dads,” she waves, gesturing Levi beside her.

He falls into step. Doesn’t look back.

**2019**

“Hey. What are you doing?” Jesus asks as soon as Pearl picks up his call.

“Knitting an ugly reindeer sweater for a Great Dane,” she answers, matter of fact.

Jesus guffaws. “Oh my God. That… I don’t even know what that is. Who wants an ugly reindeer sweater in June?”

“A girl in Denver,” Pearl fills in. “Maybe they’re doing Christmas cards early. Who knows? She’s sweet, though.”

“Who?” Jesus asks.

“Ugly reindeer sweater girl,” Pearl fills in fondly.

“Okay, you gotta stop calling her that. She’s gotta have a name,” Jesus insists, still smiling, but edging toward serious.

“She does,” Pearl glances at the name on the Paypal payment that just came through. “Cheyanne.”

“There you go. ...So, does this mean you’re gonna make Dudley an ugly sweater?” Jesus asks hopefully.

Much to Pearl’s delight, Jesus has just been matched with a service dog. An adorable lab-beagle mix named Dudley. He’s not home with Jesus yet, but Jesus is counting the days.

“That depends...are you gonna pay me for it?” Pearl asks evenly.

“You gave me the scarf for free!” Jesus objects.

“That was a gift,” Pearl points out. “This is my livelihood.”

“Fine,” Jesus huffs, but Pearl can tell he’s not really mad.

There’s silence again while Pearl knits. Eventually, she checks in. “You okay?”

“Kinda spacey,” Jesus admits. “It’s Father’s Day. You know who loved Father’s Day?” he asks darkly.

“Super Hell’s biggest fan?” Pearl asks seriously.

“Pretty much,” he sighs. “Plus, it was just the anniversary of Isaac’s...whatever...so I’m not the best.”

“I’m sorry,” Pearl admits. “I prefer to just pretend Father’s Day doesn’t exist at all.”

“You sound like Moms…” Jesus says ruefully. “They’re so...defensive. Fran brought up Father’s Day over dinner and they were just like, “We don’t celebrate that.”

“As if you all were magically conceived without any sperm…” Pearl remarks dryly.

“That’s gross,” Jesus decides.

“I’m sorry,” Pearl apologizes. “I just mean what do they expect? Do _ they _ call _ their _ fathers?”

“Yeah. Especially Lena,” Jesus answers.

“Then how is it fair to ask you and Fran to ignore the fact that you have fathers, too?” Pearl asks.

“...But you seem pretty comfortable…” Jesus trails off.

“What?” Pearl asks slowly, setting her knitting aside as his words truly register. “Ignoring mine? It’s different, Jesus. My dad’s been dead since 1987. It’s like unnecessarily ripping off a thousand bandaids. Why do it? It’s just going to make it hurt more because he’s never coming back. So, I just...close that door and move on.”

“I’m sorry you lost him…” Jesus apologizes, and Pearl can tell he means it sincerely.

“I am, too.” She pauses a beat before picking up her knitting again. “Are you okay...with memories of Super Hell...and your friend? Need to talk?”

“I mean...it’s not really anything anybody wants to listen to…” Jesus hedges.

“I did just offer,” Pearl says, matter of fact. “No, Cleo. Leave the yarn alone, please. She is so not Gracie in terms of respecting the yarn…” Pearl remarks.

“Well...you’re right. She’s not,” Jesus says. “So, it’s kinda unfair to expect her to live up to Gracie level standards. She just got on the scene. She has no idea who Gracie was. She’s just figuring things out.”

“I see I’ve hit a nerve…” Pearl observes, cautious.

“I just...I hate the comparing, I guess? I get it from multiple angles: “Jesus you’re not like you used to be,” “Jesus, you’re not like Mariana.” “Jesus, you’re not like other kids your age.” It’s just...annoying. And it’s unfair, you know? Because I’m not who I was when I was a kid. I’m not super smart like Mari. And yeah, I still live at home, but I’m on a freaking waiting list…”

“They still giving you a hard time about that?” Pearl asks, sympathetic.

“You could say that…” Jesus manages. “I sent in the paperwork in March. It takes as long as it takes. But Moms are still like losing their shit about the idea of a dog living here. Stef thinks he’s gonna be some beast, and Lena and Fran are stoked about the idea of getting a dog. Like he’s gonna be the family pet.”

“No. That’s dangerous. Dudley needs to know that _ you’re _ his human. You’re his focus. He can’t be confused about who he’s there for. Make sure they go to the family orientation, Jesus, if you can.”

“I’ll try,” Jesus sighs. “It’s not like I can really tell them what to do.”

“But you’re an adult. And Dudley is going to be _ your _service dog. They need to learn that, and the sooner, the better.”

“He really can’t come soon enough...but Stef’s already making comments. I better know she’s not going to clean up after him. She never wanted a dog, so I better be close to moving out by the time he’s here…”

Pearl makes a sympathetic noise. “Mine hated Gracie, too. Like, a lot. Once she realized she _ wasn’t _ going to be a pet _ she _was allowed to bring into grocery stores and restaurants? To garner her attention? Well, then she was sorry I ever started the process...and she regularly discouraged me from bringing Gracie with me anywhere.”

“Damn,” Jesus says, disappointed. “So, it’s really not gonna get any better?”

“Well, for you it is,” Pearl says, optimistic. “You’re about to get an awesome service dog, who’s gonna make you feel safe to do all kinds of things you may not be able to do now.”

“So, it’s worth it? Even if they hate me?” Jesus asks, thinking of his family.

“I think you’ll find...that Dudley...is going to become family, right off the bat,” Pearl says gently. “And nothing beats the love of a dog.”

“So much safer than people,” Jesus breathes.

“Please send me a picture when he comes home?” Pearl asks. “I’d love to see him.”

“That depends,” Jesus teases gently. “How much to buy Dudley one of your reindeer sweaters?”

“I’m going to run out of brown yarn,” Pearl decides. “This sweater is for a Great Dane.”

“I’ll send you more,” Jesus returns, fast, like he’s reveling in this chance to talk about nothing in particular. Like he needs it. Like air.

“Dudley doesn’t need a reindeer sweater,” Pearl laughs. 

“He might,” Jesus objects.

“It’s California…” Pearl insists.

“Yeah, and sometimes it’s cold here,” Jesus says, stubborn.

“Oh, like 50 degrees? You poor California-born soul,” Pearl laughs. Then, she sobers, asking, “Have you ever lived through a Polar Vortex?”

“A what?” Jesus asks, alarmed.

“Exactly. _ Cleo _ needs a sweater. _ Cheyanne’s dog _ needs a sweater. _ Dudley _ will be fine,” Pearl laughs. “Seriously, though, I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks. Talk to you later, Pearl,” Jesus says. “Bye.”

“Bye,” she says, and ends the call.


	7. Research

**2021**

_ I had the strangest dream this morning. I can barely remember it, but I can feel it like it just happened. Warm, fresh air. An old, white house. Dry grass poking the soles of my feet. And warm, buttery pastry...and apples. Maybe pie? This is why I need to journal, obviously. No one else needs to know about my random free-association dreams about baked goods. Hoping today’s a better one with Levi. - Pearl _

“Can we run today?” Levi asks, joining her on the couch. “It’s been a week, and you said that maybe we could run once a week or something?”

“Oh. Right. Sure. We can run today. Can we make it a daylight-only thing, though? I’d rather not run through the woods at night..”

“Yeah. No, of course,” Levi nods.

Pearl takes out a piece of paper and starts to write:

_ Weekly run - Fridays - daylight. _

She scoots the paper over to Levi. “I was thinking of making a list of things that might help us through this month. Things we both need.”

“Okay. What do you need?” Levi asks. “Like, for the list?”

“I guess...I need to be able to ask about him. And I understand if there are some things you can’t answer right now, or some questions that are just off limits for the time being...or maybe forever...but I just...I’d love to know what you’re comfortable with.”

“I can answer factual questions. Like fun facts about him? I’m more than willing to talk about other stuff too, just maybe not this month?” Levi cautions.

Levi jots down:

_ Answer fun facts about Dad. _

“So...when does this start? You answering fun fact questions?” Pearl inquires.

“Now?” Levi asks. He picks at a bowl of granola and sips some tea.

“So...I had this dream… It’s weird. But...try not to judge me...and all that’s sticking with me are sensations?”

“Like what kind of sensations?” Levi asks.

“Dry grass. Hot sun. An old white house. And I swear I could smell...baked goods?

“Like what kind of baked goods?” Levi wonders. “And you said this has to do with Dad?”

“Yes. Did he like pie? Because I can’t tell you why but I just feel it. Something about the dream...it was like he was there, or something. And I definitely smelled pie. Why are you smiling?”

“Because Dad  _ loved _ pie,” Levi shares conspiratorially. “Now I don’t know any details about a white house or grass, but I do know that every single year? Dad did not have a birthday  _ cake _ . He had a birthday  _ pie _ .”

“Seriously?” Pearl asks.

“Seriously,” Levi echoes. “It’s why I seriously love  _ Gimmie Pies _ ,” he says fondly. “Because it’s just the type of place Dad would have loved.”

“Any type of pie in particular?” Pearl asks. “I feel like I should be taking notes.”

“Oh God… Every kind. But on his birthday? He always went with a classic: custard pie or apple pie or pumpkin pie. The man could live off of pie and coffee.”

By now, Levi’s at the door putting on his shoes and getting Panther’s leash.

Pearl’s right behind him, getting her own shoes and Cleo’s leash.

“I really like getting to do this with you,” she confides. “It’s been so long, though. Please don’t tell anyone how out of shape I am…” she begs, laughing.

“I won’t,” he promises. “I’m just glad you wanted to come instead of...I don’t know...accusing me of running away from my problems?”

“Who said that to you?” Pearl asks, concerned.

“A friend. I had this friend back home in Denver, and when we left to move up here, it was really sudden. She heard I couldn’t make it work with Mom and she assumed…well, the same thing I did.” Levi admitted.

“She thought you’d go back to Denver,” Pearl fills in.

“But I didn’t, because there were too many memories there,” Levi admits. “We used to be super close and now…” he shrugs. “She kinda hates me, I guess.”

“If she’s a good friend, she’ll come around,” Pearl reassures.

“It’s been over a year. I don’t think she’s coming around,” Levi sighs.

“Come on,” Pearl encourages, jogging to the fridge to secure the note with a magnet so they don’t lose it. “If you’re running away from your problems, I’m going with you.” She jogs back to the door, Cleo trotting beside her.

She opens the door and the air is cool. Nothing like the dream, and somehow, she feels it even more closely at the edges of her mind.

And even though Levi’s proven he can outrun her without trying, he stays beside her. Panther, admirably, stays at his side, while Cleo stops to pee on every single tree.

They run until there’s a break in the trees. Until they’re both bent forward with their hands on their knees.

Pearl gestures back toward home, picking up the pace and Levi falls into step next to her. When the cabin door comes back into view, both of them pick up speed and reach out their hands, touching the surface in tandem.

“Thanks,” Levi gasps.

“No problem…” Pearl huffs. “Good talk.”

**2012**

Loud, bad singing wakes Levi up.

He looks around, but it’s still dark. Slowly, the words of the singing start to get inside his tired brain:

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Dad says it all the time, he ain’t no Stevie Wonder. So why is he trying to ruin Levi’s birthday by singing his song all awful in the middle of the night?

Levi tries to pull the pillow over his head, but Dad just keeps singing. Before too long, he’s in Levi’s room.

“Get up, Levi. I got a surprise for you. You’re not gonna wanna miss this.”

Levi groans. Ever since Spring Break, he hasn’t cared about surprises or much of anything. But Dad’s being really loud, and there’s no point in trying to go back to sleep.

“We gotta hurry now, or we’re gonna miss it,” Dad says. 

A glance at Levi’s Finding Nemo alarm clock shows the time is 5:00 in the morning. It’s Sunday. School just let out for the summer two days ago.

Groaning, Levi gets out of bed and, half asleep, he follows Dad to the car. The kitchen smells great, but Levi can’t even care. The good smell lingers in the car, too. Dad drives for a while, and Levi dozes, asleep against the car window. 

“Son. Wake up. I got something for you.”

Levi still can’t see anything, but he hears the rustling of a plastic grocery bag. Dad puts something warm in Levi’s hand. 

“What is it?” Levi wonders. It smells good, but Levi’s not so sure he trusts food anymore.

While Dad explains about them, Levi zones out. It’s too early for this. Hesitantly, he takes a bite. The biscuit, egg cheese, regular bacon, Canadian bacon… It just might be the best thing Levi’s ever had.

“How did you invent this sandwich?” he asks, in awe.

Again, Dad talked, and Levi was lost in the deliciousness of the sandwich. But Levi caught his wink in the darkness. Saw the shape of a thermos being passed to him. Slowly, Levi removed the lid and sniffed.

“Dad...coffee’s too strong for me…” Levi objects, feeling like he might fall apart at the idea that Dad doesn’t know this about him after all.

“I know. That’s why I added some chocolate syrup for you. Tastes like chocolate milk now. You like that, don’t you?” Dad asks.

“Mm-hmm,” Levi nods and sips. It really does taste good.

“What are we doing out here anyway?” Levi asks.

“Honey, Daddy’s concentrating. Give me a minute,” Dad says, and Levi’s totally confused as he focuses all his attention out the front window. It’s like he’s looking for something.

Slowly, the sky starts to brighten. Almost too slow to notice, except Dad keeps saying, “There you go. That’s it. Come on…” like he’s coaxing Hagrid into the car to go to the vet’s office.

“Dad?” Levi asks.

“Doesn’t wanna come today… Come on,” Dad groans softly, and Levi wonders what he’s up to, until he sees it.

The edge of the sun just starting to peek out over the edge of the ground.

It takes a lot more effort and a lot more time before the sun’s up all the way. Before the sky’s a bright orange color like Levi’s never seen. 

“I didn’t know you could do that…” Levi manages, struck silent.

“I want you to remember something. No matter how dark life gets, okay? The light is always coming. And even if I gotta drag it over the horizon for you myself… I’m gonna always make sure you get to the light. Understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now, I know you’ve been feeling sad since Grandma Major died,” Dad says and Levi concentrates on the sun. Drinks his chocolate coffee. “I want you to know that it’s normal. To feel sad after we lose somebody. But don’t forget about the beauty that’s still out there, son.”

Levi doesn’t know what his dad’s talking about, really. There’s not any beautiful things left in the world...except maybe Dad levitating the sun like he did.

“Daddy?”

“Mm-hmm?”

“You know the thing you did with the sun?”

“Mm-hmm?”

“Can you do that again?” Levi asks, holding his breath.

“Tell you what? If you get up early enough? I can do it for you every single day,” Dad says, all the love in the world in his voice.

“Where’d you get your powers from?” Levi asks seriously.

“From being a Dad, I expect,” Dad says sipping his coffee.

“Can  _ I _ have powers?” Levi asks, hesitant.

“You already do. I love you, you know that?” Dad asks. “Can’t believe you’re nine whole years old today.”

“Dad.... I love you, too...but what’s a Smurf?” Levi asks, squinting at the yellow thermos in his hand. Now that it’s daylight the little blue blobs are obvious. They remind him of  _ Avatar _ , but not at all.

Dad laughs, and it sounds so happy.

Levi tries with all his might to hang onto the sound.

**1955**

“My pie,” Paris whispers to himself, determined. “My pie. My pie.”

It’s daytime. Bright sun. Pokey grass on his bare feet. Pie on the window ledge making apple smells all in the air.

Paris tries to reach, but can’t. He tries again, but his hands don’t come close.

“Perry,” a voice whispers, and he tips, falling on his butt.

It’s his sissy. He hurries to stand up, getting grass on his hands. Points. “I want that pie,” Paris insists. “Right there, Mama made.”

“Okay,” Lonnie says, still quiet-voiced. She has a big grin. “You gotta keep quiet, though.”

Paris covers his mouth with his hands, to remind himself. No talking. No talking. No talking.

Lonnie magics a fork out from her dress pocket. Looks around quick, and then gets one bite on the fork. She ducks down fast again.

“Here. Blow on it. It’s hot,” Lonnie says, holding out the bite.

Paris tries, but blowing, that’s hard. So, Lonnie does it. 

Then she feeds him the bite off the fork. He is a little bird. She is a Mama bird.

“Mmm!” he says.

“Hush now,” Lonnie says, like it’s important, but she’s smiling. “You’re lucky you’re two.”

“Yeah,” Paris nods.

When Mama asks who got to the pie before it got on the table, Paris looks down at the ground, “Dunno…”

“You don’t know?” Mama asks, her face mad with a smile. “What’s that on your face?”

Paris knows this one! He grins, “My smile, Mama!”

“Your smile, huh? Well, your smile got some apple pie on it.”

Paris tries to find it. 

“London, take him and wash his face. And give me that fork out of your dress, before it ruins my washing machine,” Mama remarks. “Your sissy takes good care of you, Paris.”

“I know,” he calls. And then, to Lonnie, “I want more pie.”


	8. Culture

**1987**

_ Things are getting worse around here. I feel terrible subjecting Pearl to the kind of dysfunction in this house. I feel awful every time I see what it’s doing to her. I’ve lost out on so much because of my choice to be with Carla. Lonnie’s not speaking to me. She clocked Carla from day one. And while I don’t regret having Pearl, and I love her with all my heart, I do regret not listening to my family on Carla. Because now, we’re stuck. Pearl’s being damaged by all this and I don’t know how to stop it. The money I’m saving up keeps disappearing. A friend at the firehouse tells me that my chances of getting sole custody of Pearl are slim to none. If I divorce Carla, it’s likely I’m fixing to leave Pearl behind. And I just cannot do that. - Paris West, evening. _

It’s been half an hour. No matter what he tries, he can’t get Pearl to stop crying. This last fight she heard was bad. Ended with Carla storming out. She hasn’t come back yet, and that’s got Pearl all upset.

She’s so smart that sometimes Paris forgets that she’s only just four years old. Just a baby, really.

“Mom left,” Pearl keeps on sobbing. “She left.”

“I know she did, honey. But she’ll be back,” Paris tries, but it doesn’t do any good.

The leaving is what’s sticking with Pearl. That Carla did it at all. That it was a possibility that your parent may just, one day, up and leave you. No explanation. No warning.

Pearl’s got her face buried in Grumpy Bear and is absolutely attached to Paris, no letting go. “Hey, I’ll tell you what…” Paris whispers boosting Pearl a little higher in his arms. “I understand you’re sad and scared about Mommy…”

Pearl nods, her chin trembling.

“That’s okay. It’s very hard when grownups fight, isn’t it?” Paris asks, sympathetic.

“Did yours?” Pearl asks, wiping her eyes.

“What, honey?” Paris wonders.

“Did your grownups fight?” she asks, her breath hitching. 

“Oh, they sure did. But you know something? My big sister, she was there and she made sure I was safe. Just like I’m gonna do for you.” Paris reassures.

“Wait,” Pearl sniffs, confused. “How big is your sister? Is she like Big Bird?”

Paris laughs at the thought of Lonnie, six feet tall with yellow feathers. “I’m sorry, honey. I should have explained better. Big sister is what some people call their older sister. So my sister’s older than me.”

“Wow,” Pearl says. “I wish she  _ was _ big like Big Bird, don’t you?” She lays her head down on Paris’s shoulder.

“That would sure be a sight to see,” Paris agrees. “You feeling a little better now? Thinking about Big Bird?”

“Yes,” Pearl manages, still clutching Grumpy.

“If you feel up to it, you wanna do some science with Daddy in the kitchen?” he asks, winking.

Pearl’s face breaks into a wide smile. “I love science!”

“I know you do,” he smiles and carries her out to the kitchen where he pulls up a chair beside the counter.

He finds their Nestle Hot Cocoa mix and some milk. “Now, this science lesson is about incorporation. Can you say that word?” Paris checks.

“Incorporation,” Pearl repeats, beaming.

“Very good! Now, we’re gonna make us some hot chocolate, because I don’t think it’s possible to be sad and drink hot chocolate, do you?”

“No!” Pearl giggles.

“Now, look here. To incorporate means to take two things and put them together to make one thing.”

“Two plus one equals three,” Pearl volunteers, proud.

“That’s right. But right now, we’re gonna do cocoa powder, plus milk equals hot chocolate.” Paris explains.

“So first step. We have to pour some milk into this Smurf cup here. Then we put it in the microwave for one minute. Will you press the buttons for Daddy? One-zero-zero. Good. Can you read where it says  _ Start _ ?”

Pearl does easily and soon, she’s staring in at her glass of milk as it spins and warms. When it’s finally ready, Paris is, too, with a teaspoon and the hot cocoa mix.

“Now, this is the incorporation part,” Paris tells her secretively. We add two spoonfuls of hot cocoa powder and stir. Now, the milk is hot, so you watch and see when the milk starts getting chocolatey, will you?”

“Yes!” Pearl agrees.

Paris patiently stirs and can’t hold in his laughter as Pearl squeals, delighted at the chocolate powder dissolving into the milk.

“Daddy! It’s happening!” she exclaims, nearly vibrating with excitement.

“See that? Pretty neat, huh?” he says, setting her up with her cup at the table.

She takes a careful sip and grins. “Yeah. Pretty neat.”

**2012**

“Levi’s not doing his schoolwork,” Mom sighs. “I don’t know what to do with him. His teacher called me in to have a meeting and everything. She says he’s not asking questions or anything.”

“I’m right here,” Levi says, sullen, as they all sit around the kitchen table together.

“So...you tell us...why aren’t you doing your schoolwork?” Dad asks.

“Some things are more important…” Levi objects, quiet.

“Yes, and it’s understandable sometimes, if you’ve got a lot going on that a homework assignment might slip,” Nia says. “But this is becoming a habit, baby. And not a good one. You can’t refuse to work everytime something comes up,” Mom insists.

“Stop!” Levi whines. “I don’t wanna talk about it! I don’t want you telling me I’m bad!”

“That’s not what I’m saying, Levi. But okay,” Mom agrees, kissing him on the head. She raises her hands in surrender and scoots her chair back. “I’ll be in the other room.”

Levi waits until he hears that she really is and then peeks out.

“Just me,” Dad says. “Wanna tell me what’s going on?”

“No…” Levi pouts. “I’m already in trouble…”

“Son, we’re just trying to figure this out, is all. You’re not in trouble. Mom doesn’t think you’re bad. I don’t think you’re bad. We just want you to talk to us.”

_ But that’s the problem… _ Levi thinks, forlorn.

Talking just makes everything worse.

“You wanna sit with Daddy?” Dad asks, patting his lap. 

Levi doesn’t really, but he kinda does. Finally, he moves over, keeping his head down. 

“What’s going on? You can talk to Daddy. Whatever it is. I’ll help you.”

And Levi breaks down. “It’s  _ boring _ ,” he sobs. “I can’t do it ‘cause it’s too boring!”

He’s crying out of control. Ever since Spring Break, it’s been like this. Just out of nowhere sobbing. And third grade  _ is _ boring. But that’s not the main problem. He can never tell about that one.

Dad’s arms come around him, gentle. “Hey. I understand, alright? We’re gonna fix it. You’re not in trouble, and you’re a good kid.”

Another kiss lands on Levi’s head. And he knows he doesn’t really deserve it. But he needs it. Bad. He leans against Dad until he feels calm again.

It takes a while.

But Dad waits with him.

**2021**

It’s 8:32 PM Friday night, and support group chat is officially late. Pearl tries not to obsess about it. But she does thrive on things happening according to plan. 

She’s not even sure if Levi’s going to join tonight or not. Their run and their talk this morning seems to have helped a bit, but things are still shaky between them. This feels a lot like when Jesus, Dominique, Mariana and Fran came to visit in April to meet Levi. They found him quiet and withdrawn. Barely eating.

Come to find out, he was dealing with some pretty major childhood trauma, no thanks for her own mother. (Pearl will never forgive her for it.)

Mariana shows up on screen first. “Hey. Where’s Levi?”

As if she conjured him, Levi turns up on screen from his room downstairs. “Hey,” he says.

Over the next few minutes Jesus, Dom, Char and Pav all arrive.

“Sorry, I was just talking to Pablo,” Jesus apologizes.

“How was that?” Mariana asks.

“Good, I guess. Weird? Since I don’t really have that many dude friends, besides Levi.”

“Brovoiders,” Levi smiles a little.

“Damn right,” Jesus returns.

“Aw,” Char gushes. “That’s adorable.”

“Has Rosa talked to you yet, Mari?” Levi wonders.

“Uh...no… Not yet. She said it’d be a while. Maybe a couple weeks,” Mariana answers. There are shadows in her eyes.

“Coping okay in the meantime?” Pearl asks.

Mariana shrugs. “I mean...I guess… It’s been a long time since Monday, though.”

“You like your therapist?” Pav checks.

“She’s good, yeah,” Mariana confirms. “Anybody else wanna talk?”

“The post-Halloween blues are real,” Dominique offers. “November is like… ‘Hey, back to the usual trauma-programming.’ I hate it.”

“That seriously sucks,” Jesus says, sympathetic.

“How about y’all, though?” Pav asks. “Minnesota? Colorado? Y’all been pretty quiet over there…”

“You’re seriously gonna keep calling them by their state names?” Char cackles.

“Not in Colorado anymore…” Levi manages, quiet.

“We’re...managing…” Pearl shares, careful to respect Levi’s privacy. “But it’s difficult here. Not really for support group reasons but…”

“But y’all are grieving,” Pav says, matter of fact. 

“Who said that?” Levi asks, his eyes dark.

“Levi, nobody had to say it. I can see it on y’all…” Pav observes gently. “Just know we’re here if you need to share anything. Be distracted. Whatever.”

“Distraction would be good, yeah…” Levi nods.

Pearl feels her insides wilt a little. Because she actually needs the opposite. She needs to be able to talk about Dad, beyond cute memories. Beyond funny stories. She needs information. She needs to know everything she possibly can about him. But how can she do that if Levi’s so shut down? How can she respect what he needs while acknowledging her own needs?

“Pearl?” Dominique asks. “You seem...checked out…”

“Sorry. Just thinking,” Pearl shakes her head. “Is there...a way to navigate if what one of us needs is wildly different than what the other needs?”

“Ooh,” Jesus breathes. “Good question. Mariana? You and I kinda come up against that from time to time. What do we do?”

Mariana shrugs. “Proceed with caution, I think.”

“Yeah,” Jesus agrees. 

“If possible...find what you need while respecting the other person,” Mariana adds. She shudders a little.

“What’s up?” Levi asks, seeing this.

“Just...gross being back home. I miss being at Jesus’s…” Mariana admits.

“I miss you guys, too…” Jesus says, wistful.

“What do you need that’s different from me, Pearl?” Levi asks carefully.

She closes her eyes. “I need to know Dad. I need to talk about him. And I understand that you can’t do that right now. That’s why I’m not asking you to. I just...have to get my information from another source. But I don’t want to bother your mom for the same reason, and…” she trails off abruptly.

“And you’re not speaking to yours,” Levi fills in, knowing.

“Right,” Pearl breathes. Mentioning her mother right now - even though it’s support group - often feels like stepping off a plane into a freefall, not knowing if her parachute will open. “Sorry, I just… I know it’s a terrible month, Levi. I don’t want to make it worse for you.”

“She’s still your mom, though,” Levi points out, softly.

“Does anybody ever just...not want to think about it?” Char asks. “Because I am firmly in this place where I’m like, let’s discuss anything else. Like you’d like to pretend it didn’t happen at all?”

“Sometimes, you need that. To survive,” Pav offers.

“And just because we are having support group right now doesn’t mean that’s all we have to discuss,” Dominique offers. “Thank God.”

“How’s Fran?” Pearl asks, effortlessly following where the tide of the group is flowing. “I miss her. I’m so used to seeing her and hearing from her.”

“Oh, Dom. She wore her sloth costume for like twenty four hours,” Mariana passes along, with a grin. “She even slept in it.”

“That makes my day,” Dominique beams, brightening.

“Moms finally convinced her to take it off so it could be fresh for next year in case she wanted to use it again.” Mariana passes along.

“So the Trick-or-Treating ban is officially lifted then?” Jesus asks, eyebrows raised.

“Looks that way…” Mariana agrees.

And Pearl’s happy for her. Fran’s history had so many holes. But she’s been able to fill them.

What happens when the mysteries of the past stay just that?

Pearl used to be okay with her life being full of questions, but now… Now that’s just not good enough anymore.


	9. Created

**2019**

_ Today’s a big day for Levi. Graduating high school - and on his 16th birthday, no less. I don’t have the energy I used to. I’m foggy. And I know, deep down, this may well be the last time I can do a sunrise breakfast with Levi. Gotta take some shortcuts if I’m gonna make it work this year. Hope he’ll understand… - Paris, morning. _

The shortcuts look like this: Stevie Wonder does all the singing this year, thanks to a CD. The sunrise biscuit’s a frozen knockoff because doing all that cooking would sap Paris for the day, and he needs energy if he’s gonna go to Levi’s graduation tonight. 

He wouldn’t miss that for the world.

His oxygen comes everywhere with him. And still, somehow, he never quite feels like he’s getting enough air.

“Levi?” Paris asks, in a raspy whisper just before 5 AM. “Happy birthday. Wanna come watch the sunrise with your old man?”

Levi groans and rolls over. He squints, sitting up and rubbing his eyes, confused. “What? You’re not even gonna sing to me this year?”

“Stevie did,” Paris manages.

“Yeah…” Levi comments softly, getting out of bed. “Stevie…”

They drive mostly in silence. Paris can tell they’re already off to a bad start, but maybe the morning can be saved. The tradition. He parks in their usual spot. Hands Levi the coffee, with chocolate syrup - the only aspect Paris was able to complete the same as usual.

“What? No Smurf cup?” Levi asks, and Paris can just make out his eyebrows raised ironically. The ghost of a smile.

“The Smurf cup...that thing bit the dust a while back…” Paris remarks.

“I think Mom sold it,” Levi considers. 

He reaches into the plastic bag for the sandwiches, always carefully packaged in Ziploc bags. Paris takes a bite and can immediately taste the difference. Knows that Levi will, too.

“Seriously?” Levi asks, and there’s no denying the hurt in his eyes. “I thought it was just me. That I couldn’t smell stuff going on in the kitchen because...I don’t know...you did it last night. But you didn’t make this, did you?”

“No,” Paris agrees sadly. “I didn’t. I got less energy now than I used to, and I—”

“If you didn’t wanna do this, then why are we here?” Levi asks, glancing out the window at the slowly rising sun.

“I’m here...because I love you. Because you matter,” Paris insists. “Please tell me you know that, son.”

“It’s kinda hard to know when you don’t even sing me happy birthday…” Levi sighs. “I can go on YouTube any day of the week and have Stevie sing happy birthday to me. It’s special because _ you _ do it...”

“Honey, nobody wants to hear me sing these days…” Paris objects, sipping coffee, and trying not to get worked up.

“Are you even listening?” Levi asks, still sounding wounded. “I said _ I _ do, Dad,” Levi insists.

They watch in silence for a while. Levi eats the microwaved sandwich after all.

When he speaks again, it’s the last thing Paris ever expects to hear:

“What’s the worst thing she ever did? Carla?”

Paris’s mind reels. Back through time. Back more than 30 years. The whole scene plays out like a videotape being rewound. Fast-motion. Static slicing the image into thirds.

“I...I don’t feel comfortable talking about that with you, son…” Paris admits. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t feel comfortable telling me, but you left me there with her?” Levi asks, stunned.

Paris is struggling to keep up. It’s so hard to focus when his mind isn’t getting what it needs. When, no matter how he, or the oxygen tries, there’s just not enough air. “When?”

Levi looks like Paris just betrayed him in the worst way. “Spring Break when I was in third grade. You were gonna stop by to visit Pearl, and I was with you. She wasn’t there. And then you… You left and you said you’d be right back.”

“Where is this coming from? You were out on the steps… That’s where I told you to wait. You were okay…” Paris manages.

“Sure, Dad. I was fine,” Levi relents, defeated. 

“We should go,” Paris decides. Breathing is getting more and more difficult.

“Wait. Can you at least make the sun rise?” Levi asks, sounding so much like the little boy he’d been years ago that Levi can’t say no.

Paris concentrates. Hard.

And, for the last time, he brings the sun over the horizon.

“Happy birthday, Levi,” Paris says, patting his hand.

“Okay,” Levi answers, “We can go home now.”

**2021**

_ It’s my busiest season now. Most people order clothing for their animals in the winter and I am ready for project after project to keep me busy. Luckily, I’m a decent knitter. And I can get things done well in a rush, if need be. - Pearl _

Pearl’s been up for hours by the time Levi pokes his head upstairs. “Hey,” he says cautiously. “Are we okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we’re okay. Have you been down there all morning, worried about that?” Pearl asks.

“Kinda…” Levi admits, finally coming upstairs. “I just...I don’t know how to like...be okay with the fact that you might need something that I can’t do? It makes me...I don’t know…” he trails off.

“Listen. My happiness? Even my okayness? That is not your responsibility. It’s mine. I’m not looking for you to give me everything I ask when I ask for it and forfeit your own mental health in the process,” Pearl explains, offering their Dad blanket to him.

Hesitantly, he takes it. Drapes it around his shoulders. He sits back on the couch and watches her knit. “What’s the silliest thing you’ve ever made?”

“Oh, let’s see…” Pearl thinks. “I once made a lobster costume for a Golden Retriever."

"But you said you'd never..." Levi begins and then trails off, while Pearl's still thinking.

"What?" she asks, distracted.

"Never mind," he says. "What were you saying?"

"Oh. Just that I get a lot of requests for sports outfits…” Pearl finishes. 

“Uniforms?” Levi asks, with a slight smile.

“Fine, yes. Uniforms,” Pearl corrects. “Are _ you _ okay?”

“Yeah, I guess… Just… You know… November…” Levi shrugs.

“Right. Can I ask… You haven’t seen my mother anywhere in town recently, have you?” Pearl wonders. “It’s just...you seem...like you did when you were dealing with all of that by yourself, and I want to be sure she’s not harassing you.”

“No. She’s not,” Levi nods. “Besides, I mean, you said she didn’t come to Country Market.”

“She doesn’t,” Pearl reassures. 

“You haven’t heard from her, have you?” Levi asks. “Since we changed the locks and stuff?”

“Grandma Not-West still tries, but...I will change my number ‘til the cows come home. She leaves me messages about how hard it is on her that I don’t answer, but…” Pearl shrugs. “It can be hard on her all it wants. I’m not sacrificing my mental health to talk to her.”

Levi gets a faraway look in his eyes. “I’m pretty sure Dad’s parents died when he was just a kid… I feel like he told me once. I was around five. Car accident or something.”

“So, we don’t have grandparents on that side either,” Pearl sighs. “What about your mom’s parents?”

“My grandma on my mom’s side passed away like...right after...the thing happened to me...with your mom? I always thought I did it. Because I texted her that same day. Told her I was sad?”

“Oh God. Levi. Has anybody told you that’s not your fault?” Pearl asks, horrified. “Because it’s absolutely not your fault. Grandmas...they get old. Or sick. Or lots of things happen to them. But it’s not your fault.”

“But I don’t know...what if she...like...got literally heartbroken knowing I was sad?” Levi asks.

“Well, had you been sad before around her?” Pearl wonders.

“I mean...yeah, I guess…” Levi thinks back.

“And how did she take it those times?” Pearl checks.

“I mean, she’d hold me. Sing to me. We’d watch wrestling together,” Levi says fondly.

“Wrestling, huh?” Pearl asks, laughing in spite of the serious tone of the conversation. “So, it sounds like your grandmother was made of some pretty hearty stuff. It sounds unlikely she’d keel over knowing you were sad.”

Pearl sobers when she sees Levi’s still deep in thought.

“I thought I’d killed her by talking...even peripherally...about what happened to me.” Levi admits. “By your mom. I thought...maybe she was a super villain like on cartoons. Who could read minds and make bad stuff happen if you crossed her.”

“Did she threaten you?” Pearl asks gently.

Levi nods. “But I don’t wanna say how…” A shudder passes through him, and Pearl wishes she could absorb all of his trauma.

“That’s alright,” Pearl reassures. “I just...remember that’s a thing she did. That she was quite good at doing. I’ll never threaten you. I promise,” Pearl adds for a good measure.

“I can take this to the post office for you,” Levi offers, getting up and folding the blanket neatly to hang over the back of the couch again.

“Thank you. That would really help. How can I repay the favor?” Pearl asks, old habits dying hard.

Levi turns, a small smile on his lips. “You already did.”

**2019**

A month after Levi graduates high school, he slips out the door in his ugly Christmas sweater, Panther happily by his side. They get in the car, and Levi makes the quick drive over the Cheyanne’s.

It’s early, only a little after 10 AM, but they’re doing pictures at 11:00, and Mom’s still helping Dad get ready.

“Hey,” he greets a sleepy-looking Cheyanne.

“Nice sweater,” Cheyanne responds, nodding at Stitch in approval.

“Thanks. Is it here?” Levi asks.

“Yeah, come on in…” Cheyanne steps aside and lets them in, closing the door behind them, and then leads the way to her room where the large mailing envelope is wedged under her bed.

“You’re amazing. Thank you so much,” Levi gushes reaching for the package. Chey holds it just out of his reach.

“Promise me you’re gonna tell your sister who you are,” she says.

“I do. I promise,” he says. “Please give that to me. I have to get Panther ready and surprise Dad in time for pictures in an hour.”

“Aren’t you just taking them at home with your mom’s cell or something? Why the rush?” Cheyanne asks, finally relenting and giving up the envelope.

Levi rips it open. 

Panther noses her way in to sniff around. 

“It’s some deal she gets getting them printed I guess? Oh God, Cheyanne, look at this!” Levi holds up the brown reindeer sweater. It’s brown and hideous, as promised. Complete with a hood, reindeer ears and antlers. Levi couldn’t have designed this better if he tried.

“Okay. Your sister’s got a strange talent? But it’s a talent,” Cheyanne nods in approval.

Levi moves quickly to get Panther dressed. It’s hard, because she’s not exactly sure what’s going on. She’s been dressed for Christmas photos before, but she was too young to remember.

Finally, when Levi’s sweating and panting, Panther’s ready. Levi even managed to get the hood up.

He picks up the envelope, determined to leave Cheyanne’s room at least as clean as he found it. A piece of paper flutters out:

It reads:

_ Thanks so much for your order! It was so much fun to make. Hope the pictures turn out great! - Pearl, Pawsitive Knitting _

Levi picks up the note and tucks it in his pocket. Then, he brings the envelope to toss on his way out.

They arrive back home at a quarter to eleven. Mom’s had second thoughts and instead of the sweater that makes her look like a giant Christmas gift, she’s opted for a red one, printed with snowflakes, and the word: NAUGHTY. 

It kinda really embarrasses Levi until he catches the happy look on Dad’s face. Then it all makes sense, and the idea of a little secondhand embarrassment doesn’t seem so bad. Dad’s wearing his _ Home Alone _ sweater, as discussed.

“Wait a second. Where’s Panther?” Dad asks. “What are we gonna do for her sweater. I forgot all about it…”

“It’s fine, Paris. I got some jingle bells for her collar. She’ll look real cute, I promise,” Mom reassures. “Levi? Get down here, son! It’s picture time!”

“And real _ naked _,” Dad adds, distressed. “How’s she gonna feel, all of us dressed up and her…”

Having loitered in the entryway long enough, Levi finally rounds the corner with Panther.

“Well, I’ll be God-damned,” Dad says, his face breaking into a smile. “We got ourselves a reindeer, Nia!”

“Panther, you look so cute!” Mom gushes. “Yes, you sure do!”

“We’ve got the best reindeer in town. That’s how the song goes, ain’t it? Dasher and Dancer and Panther and Vixen?” He winks.

“You like it?” Levi asks, cautiously optimistic.

“I love it,” Nia insists. “This looks homemade. But it’s got different stitching than Flora. Who on earth did you find to do this?”

Dad’s covering Panther’s face in kisses. She’s returning all of them.

Panther wags her tail so hard, her entire butt shakes. (There’s a little belt design sewn in at the waist of her sweater. Red, with yellow bells.)

“Levi… How did you do this?” Dad asks, stunned.

He shrugs. “You can find anything online....”

“I guess so. Son, you just made your dad’s whole holiday season right here,” Paris says, wiping his eyes.

Leaning over, Levi gives Dad a hug. Kisses him even. “I’m sorry I’ve been so grumpy. And I’m sorry about being a pain in your butt on my birthday. Merry Christmas, Dad.”

“Oh… Well, it’s like I always told Pearl. You can have all the feelings you have,” Dad says, clearing his throat. 

“I’m still sorry,” Levi insists. “I know you did the best you could.”

“I’m sorry you didn’t feel cared about, son. I love you so much.”

“Love you, too,” Levi says, getting comfortable on the armrest of Dad’s recliner.

“Alright. Now don’t forget your hats,” Mom says, propping up her phone across from them and setting the longest timer she has.

“Panther, sit,” Levi says, and obediently, she does. He, Dad and Mom don their Santa hats for the occasion. 

“Okay, everybody smile in three, two, one!” Mom counts off.

They do.

The Christmas cards turn out perfect, with Mom and Levi sitting on either side of Dad in the recliner. Panther seated in front of them, smiling a giant doggy smile at the camera. All the humans in Santa hats and Panther in her antlers.

Levi wishes, somewhere deep inside him, that he could send this to Pearl. 

Maybe he’ll sneak an extra one...just in case. 


	10. Letters

**July, 2019**

** _StitchFix626: _ ** _ The sweater is so perfect. I can’t stop crying. You have no idea what it means to me. To our family. Just thank you. _

** _Knit1Purl1: _ ** _ You’re so welcome. Here’s my email address. Let’s stay in touch. _

\--

Levi can hardly believe his luck. Can hardly see through his tears to type, but he tries. Ever since Dad saw Panther in that sweater, he hasn’t been able to stop smiling. 

And Levi knows without a doubt it was the right decision.

He opens a new email and writes:

_ To:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _ _ _

_ Subject: Still not over it… _

_ Date: Wed. July 10, 2019 - 8:32 PM _

_ Hi Pearl,  _

_ I know you probably didn’t mean email you right this second, but I couldn’t really help myself. My family has a lot of stuff going on right now and your sweater for our dog… It really helps. Thanks again. _

_ Stitch _

_ \-- _

Pearl has been knitting for years. She learned as a child, and she’s in her fifth year of business with her Etsy shop. And she has never had someone contact her with such an emotional reaction before. 

Sure, Pearl cares about the animals knits for. She wants them to be warm. But she’s never thought of a dog’s owner being moved to tears over something she’s made. And this young girl...well...she’s 18...and she’s going through a lot.

It makes Pearl think of Jesus. Of how reaching out to him changed both of their lives for the better.

But she’s regretting having let an entire week pass before she checks her email and finds another letter from her.

Pearl quickly opens up a new message to respond:

_ To:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _ _ _

_ Subject: Re: Still not over it… _

_ Date: Wed. July 17, 2019 - 4:15 PM _

_ No problem at all, I understand. And I’m so happy to have been able to make things a little easier for your family. Write anytime. _

_ P.S. Can I call you Cheyanne? _

_ Pearl _

_ \-- _

_ To:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ Subject: Names _

_ Date: Wed. July 17, 2019 - 6:12 PM _

_ Hi Pearl, _

_ Stitch is fine. Thanks for asking. _

_ I wish I could send you a picture of our dog in the sweater - or better yet the Christmas card, but rules are rules, so I better not. _

_ Speaking of names - Pearl Marie? I thought I saw your middle initial was E. somewhere? (I’m not a stalker, I promise. I think it was in your etsy email?) _

_ Stitch _

_ \-- _

_ To:  _ _ Stitch626@gmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ Subject: Re: Names _

_ Date: Mon. July 29, 2019 - 5:49 AM _

_ Dear Stitch, _

_ Are your parents very strict? Selfishly, I would love to see a photo of the sweater on your dog, but I understand if your parents won’t allow it. _

_ Don’t worry, my Etsy email is  _ _ PearlEWest@etsy.com _ _ I have not figured out how to change it, but I want to. (It reads like “Pearly” and that is just not me...LOL.) I don’t think you’re a stalker at all. The truth is, my mother calls me “Pearl Marie.” _

_ Funny story, re: my name, though. Legend has it, that when I was born, my father was in charge of filling out my birth certificate. My mother told him my name was Pearl Marie. But he apparently went rogue and wrote down “Pearl Evangeline” instead. Mom wasn’t very happy. (As Marie is her middle name and she wanted to pass it down to me.) We have no idea where “Evangeline” came from. _

_ Anyway….wow. It’s early and apparently my filter is not working yet. You probably didn’t want to know ALL of that.  _

_ Apologies, _

_ Pearl _

\--

Levi’s been mulling over Pearl’s email all week.

Trying to come up with a way to talk to Dad about it, without revealing what he’s actually been doing. Finally, Levi realizes that he’s thinking about it too much. They’ve always been able to talk about Pearl. Dad loves it, in fact.

So, one night, when Dad’s up watching TV, Levi joins him. At the commercials, he hits mute and turns to Levi, puts an arm around him.

“How’s my boy?” Dad asks.

“Curious…” Levi begins. “So...you named me after you in a sense, right? Gave me your first name as my middle name?”

“That’s right,” Dad nods.

“So...does Pearl have her mom’s name as her middle name?”

Levi tries to make the question casual, even as his stomach tenses in anticipation.

“No… She has...my great grandmother’s name as her middle name. Evangeline was the woman who raised me for a few months. After our parents died...well...it was a lot to take on for my sister at eighteen. The house. Me. Expenses. So when my great grandmother offered to help, Lonnie took her up on that.” Dad explains.

“How long were you there?” Levi asks.

“February ‘til June,” Dad says fondly.

“And you felt loved,” Levi fills in. “I can tell.”

“Yes, sir, I did,” Dad answers and coughs.

Levi feels all his senses perk up. He stiffens, anticipating the desperate look in Dad’s eyes that means  _ call the ambulance _ . But the coughing subsides.

“So...Pearl’s mom was happy with the name choice?” Levi asks carefully, once it’s clear Dad’s not in any danger.

“Hell no. She thought it was too old. It took some doing on my part, and she wasn’t happy about it whatsoever. But she picked the first name. Logic says that I oughta get to pick the middle.”

“That’s how you and Mom named me,” Levi nods to himself.

“Your mom and I agreed on both your names, son,” Dad shares. “We communicated. I was older by then, and didn’t have to sneak around to get my way about things. I could ask for what I wanted.”

Levi stills, thinking about being so dishonest to Pearl. Thinking that maybe Dad would understand that.

“So...I have to wait ‘til I’m 50 to be a good communicator?” Levi asks, leaning into Dad.

“No, son. You get to learn from my mistakes…” Dad says and drops a kiss on Levi’s head.

**August, 2019**

August arrives, and with it, comes a rash of health scares for Dad. One morning, it’s particularly bad.

Levi’s the only one home, and Dad’s in the bathroom. Levi finds reasons to loiter around the closed door.

“You know I can hear you walking around out there…” Dad exclaims, grumpy as can be. 

Levi can’t think of a response Dad wouldn’t resent, so he says nothing, keeping up the vigil.

Minutes later, he hears a crash.

“Dad?!” Levi calls. “I’m coming in!”

Levi barely has a chance to prepare himself. He opens the door and sees the shower chair Mom found on its side in the shower, Dad still fully clothed.

“You good?” Levi wonders, hesitating. Dad’s breathing is labored, but no more than usual.

“Take it out,” Dad snaps. “I don’t need a damn chair to take my shower!”

“Okay…” Levi offers, hesitant.

He does what Dad says, even though it makes Levi even more worried to have Dad without extra stability in here.

\--

Days later, Paris is sleeping when he wakes up, unable to breathe.

Usually, he can drag in a little air, but this time… This time it really might be it. The rescue inhaler’s good for nothing. He tosses it away in the dark. Nia’s sleeping hard. She’s been working overtime to deal with all the bills.

He can’t call out.

Paris fumbles for the phone by his bedside, preparing to call 911, when Levi’s there at his side. Sirens sounding in the background.

“It’s alright. I called them,” he reassures as Nia finally wakes.

The ambulance is here. 

Then, it’s the hospital again.

The nurses are talking hospice care. This really might be the end.

\--

“Honey,” Mom says, looking at Levi with sad eyes. “Dad and I gotta talk to you.”

“Why?” Levi asks, wary.

“You know Dad’s sick,” Mom cautions.

“I know,” Levi nods. “You’ve always been sick. And then you rally.”

Paris can barely get his breath to respond to this. 

“Yes, but rallying takes a lot out of Dad. He’s been having to rally for longer than we’ve been a family, honey. Almost twenty years.”

“And?” Levi asks, quiet. He’s afraid to ask, but if he doesn’t, how will he know what’s coming?

“And...this time...the doctor’s say it’s gonna be harder and harder for Dad to keep getting better. Dad wants to stop, Levi.”

“Stop…. Stop what?” Levi asks confused.

“Fighting…” Dad wheezes. 

Levi can’t keep the betrayal out of his gaze. “Well...so...what, then? What do we do now?”

“Hospice,” Mom says, clearing her throat.

“Seriously, Dad?” Levi asks. “Please. You can’t stop now. It’s too soon, okay? Please… I still need you. Mom still needs you. Please…” He hates that he’s begging but he can’t stop himself.

Dad nods, touching Levi’s hair gently. “Okay, son. Think...I...got a few more left in me.”

\--

_ To:  _ [ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _ ](mailto:PearlMarie83@hotmail.com)

_ From:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ Subject: Interesting _

_ Date: Fri August 9, 2019 - 2:06 AM _

_ Hi Pearl, _

_ No, my parents aren’t really strict. (At least I don’t think so? But they’re the only ones I’ve got, so maybe they are and I just don’t have anybody less strict to compare to.) Is your mom very strict? _

_ Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. Lots of stuff going on this summer… I know I sorta mentioned this earlier, but I didn’t want to dump my life on you when we barely knew each other… _

_ The reason your sweater for our dog meant so much is that it really makes my BFF smile. We’ve known each other since I was a baby and it’s just...now I’m kinda losing him. Not in the sense that he’s moving away, but like...really actually losing him. _

_ And what do you do when that happens, you know? _

_ I just kinda need to share with somebody who’s not directly involved in all this… He keeps trying to bring up dying with me and I just...can’t do it. I need to talk to somebody about it...but talking to him is just too real. _

_ Stitch _

_ \-- _

_ To:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ Subject: Re: Interesting _

_ Date: Sat. August 10, 2019 - 3:10 PM _

_ Dear Stitch, _

_ My mom is strict in some ways and lenient in others. _

_ But we do not need to talk about her right now. How are you? I cannot imagine losing my best friend. I am so sorry to hear you’re going through that. I can understand not being able to talk directly to your friend about what he’s experiencing. Death is scary and very real. I’m much older than you and I have yet to experience it close up, thankfully.  _

_ I lost my dog a few years ago - and I am NOT trying to compare my canine loss to your very human one - but suffice it to say that losing her was difficult enough. I cannot imagine losing an actual human being and your best friend, no less. _

_ If you need to talk - about anything - I am here. I know anonymity can provide a kind of comfort. It can allow you to unburden yourself. I’m here and willing to listen (and as you so often tell me...I’m not a creeper.) _

_ Please take care. _

_ Love, _

_ Pearl _

_ \-- _

Ever since their family meeting about Dad being terminal, Levi hasn’t known what to do with himself. It’s like his own body’s stopped wanting to function, out of solidarity or something.

He can’t sleep. Night after night after night he’s awake, just listening.

Because the night air gets dry. Because it’s getting cooler at night. And the drop in humidity means a spike in Dad’s symptoms.

His days are spent in a watchful haze. He can’t eat unless Mom sets food in front of him and tells him to eat it. Eating has never felt like a chore before. Never felt like something too big. Too monumental to even do.

He can’t take his eyes off Dad, because of the feeling that if he does, that will be the moment he decides to let go.

_ \-- _

_ To:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ From  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ Subject: Thank you _

_ Date: Tue August 13, 2019 - 4:24 AM _

_ Dear Pearl, _

_ I really appreciate everything you wrote. Your words are so comforting. It’s almost like you’re here with me. I would love to hear about you and your life. Your parents sound interesting. Do you have any more stories about them you’d be willing to share? _

_ I am doing...not too well, honestly. It’s hard. IDK how much detail to give but my BFF has something terminal. So, we’ve known for a while that he’s not going to miraculously get better. (Though I’ll admit...I have prayed for it…) It’s just...I used to cope with a lot of my life by pouring myself into school. Focusing on homework was a good distraction from life. From reality. _

_ Now, I don’t even have that. And I don’t have college plans either, because the idea of moving away when my BFF needs me just seems...impossible. _

_ I’m not really sleeping. I’m not really eating. I’m not really coping with the idea that this is really happening. (Whenever I get an email from me and you DON’T hear back from me instantly, it’s because there’s something going on here. BFF is having symptoms. Or it might be the end. Or something.) _

_ Do you know what it’s like to walk on eggshells your entire life? _

_ Love, _

_ Stitch _

_ \-- _

_ To:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ Subject: Re: Thank you _

_ Date: Sat. August 31, 2019 - 1:13 AM _

_ Dear Stitch, _

_ First of all, I am so sorry it has taken me so long to respond. Time gets away from me sometimes. _

_ Interesting is one word for my mother. Hmm...stories I’d be willing to share… The truth is, I don’t know much about my mom or my dad. I know a grand total of one story from her childhood. I know that she met my dad because he responded to the scene of an accident she was in a couple years before I was born. I know she brought cookies to the firehouse as a thank you. She always says those cookies won him over… _

_ But enough about them. I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling. I don’t know if this will be a comfort or not but the body and the mind deal with stress and trauma in a lot of different ways. You’re coping the best you can. The important thing to remember is to be really gentle with yourself in these days, weeks and months. _

_ In not the same way at all, I do relate to the feeling of walking on eggshells. And in my experience? You can only do it for so long before the pain starts to register. _

_ Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. _

_ Love,  _

_ Pearl _

**September, 2019**

_ To:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ Subject: Coping _

_ Date: Sun. September 1, 2019 - 9:19 PM _

_ Hi Pearl, _

_ You are helping. Talking to you is so helpful and it lets me know I’m not weird or awful. _

_ Can I tell you about something else? Something that’s kind of a secret? (I get that this is not really a fair thing to ask since I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up sharing regardless...but you can skip the rest of the email if it makes you uncomfortable.) _

_ Losing my BFF is not the only hard thing going on in my life. _

_ Something happened to me when I was a kid. It’s been years and I haven’t been able to ever tell anyone. I don’t know if I ever will. This thing makes me feel dirty. Ashamed. Bad. Disgusting. Do you ever feel like that?  _

_ I have been trying for years to tell someone. To tell my BFF. But that has not happened yet. I don’t know if I can break his heart like that. You are the first person I have ever told. _

_ I know it’s supposed to feel better. But I just feel numb...and kind of terrified about your reaction. _

_ If I don’t hear back from you, I’ll understand. But I hope I do. _

_ Love, _

_ Stitch _

_ \-- _

_ To:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ Subject: I Believe You _

_ Date: Mon. September 2, 2019 - 3:43 AM _

_ Dear Stitch, _

_ I wanted to be sure I got back to you as soon as possible. Because I really, honestly do understand what that’s like and what you’re going through. _

_ I believe you. _

_ I understand because something similar (I think) happened to me years ago when I was a teenager. Everyone where I live knows. They all call me a liar. So, I really, sincerely get your hesitance to tell anyone.  _

_ I’ll tell you what I wish someone had told me: There’s no pressure here to share what happened to you. Not now. Not ever. If you do ever choose to? I’ll be happy to listen. But you don’t owe me any details. I believe you without them. _

_ Please take care. _

_ Love, _

_ Pearl _

_ \-- _

_ To:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ Subject: Re: I Believe You _

_ Date: Mon September 23, 2019 - 4:22 PM _

_ Dear Pearl, _

_ So sorry for leaving you hanging for so long. Things got a little intense around here for a while. BFF’s not doing well. Also my Dad kinda hates September. (Luckily, now that the month is nearly over so is his funk.) I don’t mean to downplay. He has totally valid reasons for hating it, it’s just hard. _

_ But THANK YOU so much for your response and writing right away. I printed it out and I keep it with all my really important things. So I can always look back on it if I start to feel bad about what happened and blame myself. _

_ (That’s normal, right? To think it’s your fault?) _

_ Love,  _

_ Stitch _

_ \-- _

September has been brutal for all of them - but especially Paris.

The first through the tenth are spent on edge. On eggshells. Just waiting for his whole damn world to come apart.

The eleventh is when it happens. Everything Paris has been dreading. He told Nia to be ready to drive him to the hospital then, because it was gonna be bad.

Attack after attack, because Paris can’t stop the images. The sounds. The smells. The idea of being in the car and around all the buildings? Under the sky that a plane just might fall out of? Felt beyond dangerous, and Paris just could not.

Levi was in the back seat, reassuring him that he was gonna be okay, but even these words from his youngest - his sweetest - could not remedy the ghosts in Paris’s mind. The fear that kept them alive and kicking.

_ “Dad, it’s okay. Mom and I got you. We’re safe right now. Okay? I promise…” _

Oh, God, Paris tried. He tried to believe. He just couldn’t.

He couldn’t keep doing this.

The rest of the month he’s in and out of the hospital three more times, feeling more beaten and exhausted each time.

Finally, he has to tell Levi:

“Honey… I know this is hard for you to hear...but I can’t keep this up. You understand?” Paris asks, when they’re watching some firemen show on television. “I can’t do hospitals anymore. I need to be at home, without doctors and nurses poking at me. Understand?”

But Levi doesn’t. Paris can see it in his eyes.

“You said it wasn’t like that. You weren’t gonna leave me like you left Pearl,” Levi offers in an empty way, staring at the screen.

“I also said...if it came to that...never forget that I love you,” Paris reminds.

“If you love me… Why won’t you stay for me?” Levi asks, shoving the remote in Paris’s hand and walking away.

“Levi. You’ve got to face this, honey…” Paris calls weakly.

“No, I don’t. You’re not dying,” Levi insists on his way to his room.

If sheer force of will and love could keep a person here - could heal a person? Paris has no doubt that Levi would be the one to do it. Just like one of the superheroes he used to love.

But Paris blinks and focuses on the television again, glad to be able to enjoy this, at least, without all the memories of the past vying for his attention.

**October, 2019**

_ To:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ Subject: It’s October! _

_ Date: Tue. Oct 1, 2019 - 8:16 AM _

_ Dear Stitch, _

_ I’m celebrating today with my dog because it’s October (and no longer the month your dad hates!) I hope this means everything is a little calmer and happier in your household. _

_ Yes, completely normal, friend. In case no one has told you yet: What happened to you is not your fault. _

_ Sorry this one has to be short. Lots of orders for animal costumes! (Please tell me the Great Dane is going to get a chance to reuse her reindeer costume, LOL.) _

_ Love,  _

_ Pearl _

_ \-- _

Despite Dad having said no to more hospital involvement twice now, somehow, he always gets that look in his eyes. When he’s trying to take in air - and not able to - he always ends up nodding when they ask about calling the ambulance, even though Levi knows that every ride means countless more hours for Mom to work.

Since Levi doesn’t have anything else going on, he sits by Dad’s hospital bed and holds his hand.

“Panther?” Dad rasps.

“Yeah, she’s good,” Levi reassures. “Wish I could sneak her in to see you here. But she’s not exactly sneaking size…” Levi says smiling to cover just how devastated he is.

“Levi… When I go, there’s…” Dad begins.

“There’s gonna be a billion folks in line for Pumpkin Spice Lattes. I know,” Levi says, deliberately misunderstanding. “It’s already halfway through October.”

“Costume…” Dad manages.

“Yeah, I’ve got an idea…” Levi nods. “You’ll love it.”

\--

Paris and Nia end up speaking privately about hospice care. Once the decision’s been made and they have things set up, they talk to Levi together.

This will be the last time.

Levi walks in from Cheyanne’s house and eyes the hospital bed set up in the living room warily. “What’s that doing in here?” he asks.

“Dad’s gonna go ahead with hospice now,” Mom says firmly.

“Whatever,” Levi answers and disappears to his room.

It’s like he simply cannot accept what’s going to come next.

_ \-- _

_ To:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _ _ _

_ Subject: Re: It’s October! _

_ Tue October 15, 2019 - 5:10 PM _

_ Dear Pearl, _

_ So I know I’m not allowed to send you pictures but you are 100% allowed to send pictures of the costumes you’re working on. (I saw a dog dressed as a lobster once! Are you making any lobster costumes???) _

_ Anyway, yes, thank God it’s October. Although the cold weather is not my family’s favorite. Cold weather means more illness. Which also means it’s not so good for my BFF. He’s been in the hospital off and on this whole month. _

_ I’m getting really scared, Pearl. _

_ I’m not ready to lose him. _

_ Love, Stitch _

_ \-- _

_ To:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ Subject: Never a Dog Lobster _

_ Date: Wed October 30, 2019 - 7:02 PM _

_ Dear Stitch, _

_ I’ve never knitted a dog lobster costume before! That would be a first! And I’d feel a little disingenuous posting my in-progress projects on private email. But I can show you my yarn color… (Wait, that’s so boring.) Not to mention, Halloween’s tomorrow. So of course I’m onto knitting winter holiday gear. _

_ Will you dress up this year to Trick or Treat? _

_ So sorry about the cold weather and all it means for your BFF. I’m sorry I’m not there to be with you in person and offer you comfort. I feel like I know you even though we’re miles apart. _

_ Sending all my love your family’s way. _

_ Love, _

_ Pearl _

_ \-- _

Levi dons black pants. Black shirt with the center ablaze with a fiery swirl. A long black tulle skirt. Black face mask. Black cape with red and yellow flames leaping over each shoulder.

Now, the transformation is complete.

He is Te Kā. The demon Te Fiti became after her heart was stolen from her chest.

Levi makes his way to the living room. Panther sees him and runs to cower under Dad’s hospital bed.

He stands there as Dad takes him in.

Gestures Levi closer.

Cautiously, he approaches, holding his breath as Dad traces a heart around the fiery swirl on Levi’s chest. His hand rests there for several beats.

And somehow, even when Cheyanne arrives, dressed as Te Fiti, Levi can still feel the warmth from Dad’s touch emanating from his chest.

**November, 2019**

_ To:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _ _ _

_ Subject: How well do you know Moana? _

_ Date: Tue November 12, 2019 - 3:14 PM _

_ Dear Pearl, _

_ So my BFF is a major Disney fan. Especially the movie, Moana. So, of course I had to dress up as a character from that. BFF loved it, I think. (But it’s so hard now, because it’s obvious… And the only thing I can do is just try to make him happy as much as I can.) _

_ I really wish you were here. _

_ Love,  _

_ Stitch _

_ \-- _

_ To:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ Subject: Re: How well do you know Moana? _

_ Date: Sun November 17, 2019 _

_ Dear Stitch, _

_ I’ve never seen Moana before. But I am so glad you can still find ways to make your friend smile. That is so important. I really wish I were there, too. _

_ Things around here are pretty boring, honestly. We’re all getting ready for Thanksgiving (not my favorite holiday. Lots of time with cousins I have nothing in common with…) But at least there will be good food. I’m partial to the pumpkin pie, even though no one else in my family likes it. _

_ I hope my rambling distracted you for a moment or two. _

_ Wishing you and your family (including your BFF) the best Thanksgiving possible. _

_ Love, Pearl _

\--

Thanksgiving is nontraditional this year.

For one thing? It’s being held in the morning. As soon as Levi’s dressed in his sweater and Thanksgiving sweats he’s there in the kitchen.

“Thanksgiving for breakfast?” Levi asks, poking his head into the kitchen. “Okay, I can get behind this.”

Mom’s been up all night preparing. Levi can tell. He tries to be as helpful as he can, carrying bowls and platters to the table. Dad’s up in a wheelchair, but it looks like just this much is taking it out of him.

Once they’re all set, they join hands. Dad’s is cold. Levi bows his head as Mom leads them in saying grace. Then, she asks what they’re thankful for:

“I’m thankful for my beautiful family,” Mom says, leading them off.

Dad nods, gesturing briefly to both of them, and then to his own heart.

(He’s stopped speaking, because it just leads to more trouble breathing. But Levi’s become adept at interpreting the meaning behind Dad’s gestures.)

“And so am I…” Levi nods at Dad. “I’m thankful for both of you...and for Pearl, too.”

Dad nods, emphatic at this.

Mom’s pretty let down that neither Levi or Dad seem hungry. But Levi raises an eyebrow at Dad and gestures at the apple pie.

A smile flits across Dad’s face.

“Oh. I should’ve known. Busting my butt making you two Thanksgiving dinner, when I could’ve just made y’all a pie,” Mom complains, but a smile threatens.

Levi watches, touched, as they feed each other. He manages a slice and some vanilla ice cream and then his phone’s blowing up with texts from Cheyanne.

“I gotta go. I’m doing the rest of Thanksgiving with Chey. And staying over. Because Black Friday,” Levi tells Mom and Dad.

“Well, nice to see you,” Mom jokes. “Thanks for stopping by…”

Levi stops by Dad’s chair. “You good if I go?” he checks.

“Go,” Dad whispers, surprising Levi. “Have fun. I’ll be here...when you get back…” 

“Okay. Love you,” Levi says, hugging him.

Dad hugs Levi back. He feels fragile, but there’s strength there.

Enough to allow Levi to believe him. To let him go.

To walk out the door and have fun, just like Dad said to.

_ \-- _

_ To:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ Subject: Happy Thanksgiving _

_ Date: Thu November 28, 2019 - 10:26 AM _

_ Dear Pearl, _

_ Just writing to wish you and your family a happy Thanksgiving. Though I don’t celebrate the events behind the holiday, I do support the idea of being with those who love you and eating lots of pie. _

_ (Seriously...who DOESN’T love pumpkin pie?) _

_ Things aren’t looking good for BFF right now. I had Thanksgiving #1 with him this morning. He told me to go enjoy the rest of my day and he’ll be here when I get back. He knows I’m planning to hit up all the stores that have Black Friday deals. He’s not a big shopper, though, so I am going with another friend after Thanksgiving #2. _

_ Your cousins are so lucky to have you in their lives. I’m jealous. _

_ This year, when I was asked what I was thankful for, along with everything else I usually say...I said you. _

_ Thank you for being here, Pearl. _

_ It’s meant the world to me. _

_ Love, _

_ Stitch _

**December, 2019**

_ To:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _ _ _

_ Subject: SO MANY LEFTOVERS!!!! _

_ Date: Sun December 8, 2019 - 6:00 PM _

_ Dear Stitch, _

_ I hope your Thanksgiving went well.  _

_ Mine went as well as can be expected. (I may be in the minority, but Thanksgiving leftovers are definitely my favorite thing about the meal...aside from the pie, of course. And to think, I used to despise them growing up.) _

_ I am so sorry to hear BFF isn’t doing well. Here’s hoping he’s rallied, or is at least getting some comfort measures as needed. I cannot imagine what this is like for you. But I am here. _

_ I wasn’t in the position to be very public about what and who I am truly thankful for, but trust that you definitely were at the top of my list as well. _

_ Hope you did not get trampled on Black Friday. _

_ Miss you. _

_ Love,  _

_ Pearl _

_ \-- _

_ To:  _ _ StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ From:  _ _ PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ Subject: Are you okay? _

_ Date: Sun December 22, 2019 - 7:12 AM _

_ Dear Stitch, _

_ I’m officially worried. I thought for sure I’d have heard something from you by now. Is everything okay? Are you okay? Please let me know as time allows. I’m fervently hoping your absence means you, your BFF, and your dog are all enjoying the holidays together, in ugly sweaters, of course. _

_ Please be okay. _

_ All my love, _

_ Pearl _


	11. Discovery

**2021**

Four days later, and Pearl’s beginning to wonder if they’ll be able to do this. Can two people who knew two different versions of the same man at different points in their lives somehow manage to grieve him together? Without tearing each other apart in the process?

The isolation is brutal. Levi barely talks to her. He tries. She can tell. He just can’t manage to connect with her. When she does see him he has shadows under his eyes. He rarely wants to eat.

She finds herself making him a lot of tea, because it’s something he’ll drink.

They managed to connect on Saturday morning. Had time with the other Avoiders that night. Pearl even sat in with Fran and Mariana while they spoke to Stef and Lena. But Levi...he just doesn’t want to talk. Aside from strange half-fragments of sentences, which Pearl’s sort of getting used to, sadly. It’s a little like sharing the cabin with someone who is perpetually sleepwalking.

He’s at work right now, and that still has Pearl on edge. Even though it’s no longer April, with Levi acting similarly, Pearl’s own trauma is responding in kind. On alert, just in case he should be in danger.

A soft knock sounds at the cabin door. Warily, Pearl sets her knitting aside. From the couch, Cleo growls a little.

“Who is it?” Pearl asks, a new habit she’s tried out since changing the locks.

“It’s Nia. I’ve got some things of Levi’s that I found when I was getting out the Christmas decorations.”

“Don’t do that…” Pearl whispers the reprimand at Cleo. “Seriously, I thought it was  _ my _ mother… We only growl when it’s a dangerous person.”

Panther has wedged herself in the way of the door and is wagging her entire rear end in anticipation of seeing Nia. It takes Pearl a few seconds to unlock the door and pull it open.

“Hi,” Pearl greets. “I’m sorry. These two have no chill at all. Back, you two,” she scolds edging her way in front of the dogs. “Let me take this from you,” Pearl says, getting a hold of the brown paper bag and setting it on the coffee table.

“Oh, thank you,” Nia says.

Once Pearl’s hands are free, she opens her arms, and Nia’s quick to embrace her, even pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“Would you like to come in? I can put some coffee on… Take your coat? Levi’s working right now, but I’m glad for the company.”

“Oh, no, honey. I’m sorry, I can’t stay. I’ve got a million things to do today. Best if I stay busy during this month. If I sit down, the tears start, and then I’m no good to anyone…”

“Dad used to tell me...that all my feelings were okay…” Pearl remembers, thinking back. “I’m sure, if he were here, he’d say the same to you.”

“That’s so sweet of you,” Nia says. “Whew, but here I go crying. I best get out of here before I really start up. Bye bye, Panther. Are you being a good girl?” Nia asks.

Panther nuzzles Nia hard and licks her.

“Got a little something for you in that bag, too,” Nia tells her. “Bye, Pearl. Thanks for everything.”

“Thank  _ you _ ,” Pearl responds, closing the door tightly behind Nia and turning the lock.

\--

It takes all of Pearl’s self control to wait until Levi gets home from work to ask him to please go through the bag Nia left. 

“Seriously. Please. I’m dying of curiosity here,” Pearl says, before she realizes her gaff. Thankfully, Levi smiles and begins taking out smaller bags one by one. 

It seems Nia’s found items from each major holiday from Levi’s childhood. A personalized purple Easter bucket that read:  **Levi** on black Mickey Mouse ears. A Moana-themed Trick-or-Treat bag. Even a full Te Kā Halloween costume. It reminds her of months ago. Of all The Avoiders discussing which Disney princesses they’d be. Of Levi choosing Te Kā.

But instead of mulling too deeply on this, she grins at Levi.

“I’m just saying…” Pearl starts out, admiring the costume openly. “Dominique would be so impressed right now. Heck, I’m not even into Halloween and  _ I’m _ impressed right now!”

“Oh my God… Dominique is not seeing these.  _ Nobody _ needs to see these,” Levi says, trying to stow the  _ Moana _ -related things behind his back.

“Why not? I think they’re great,” Pearl insists.

“And that’s why you don’t need to see it…” Levi reaffirms, tucking it out of sight. “It’s embarrassing. I took that bag with me three Halloweens in a row, Pearl. ...And the costume...is just… It’s personal, okay?”

“Makes sense to me…” Pearl ventures. “You’re always telling Fran how much you love  _ Moana _ . I won’t make fun of you for it, Levi...”

He’s about to shove one unopened County Market plastic bag back into the larger sack. Pearl spots the rip in the bottom a second too late, and all the items drop through and onto the floor. A flash of recognition hits Pearl as she registers just what has fallen. 

Clothing. One red Santa hat. Under this, she can see the red and white of what looks like one of Levi’s sweaters. Must be well-loved and holiday-themed if the rest of the cache is any indication. But Pearl reaches past the human sweater to pick up one that’s smaller and hooded. One with antlers.

The sweater is one she remembers knitting. A reindeer sweater. For a dog. Because it had been the first of its kind she’d ever been asked to make.

“This is mine…” Pearl says, in wonder. “I mean, it’s not  _ mine _ , obviously, it’s for a dog. But...I made it. It’s a Pawsitive Knitting item. I know, because I messed up a stitch right here and had to leave it, or risk putting off sending the order. And it was urgent…” 

Finally, Pearl trails off and focuses on Levi. Registers that he’s been sitting, frozen on the couch, watching her. Barely breathing.

Pearl intentionally softens, recognizing the fear in his stillness. In the blankness on his face. “I’m not mad. I’m just curious. Why would you have this? I mean… Someone must have put it up on E-Bay or something, right? You bought it from them?”

But Levi can’t respond. 

It’s all he can do to shove the sweaters back in the bag and take off down the stairs to his room, with Panther at his heels.

\--

For a while, Pearl just paces back and forth across the living room, Cleo in her arms. For the first time in a while, Pearl can feel her hands tremble and Cleo obediently nips at them.

“I’m sorry. I know. But what do I do, Cleo?” Pearl asks.

Her mind cannot process all this. It’s impossible. Pearl remembers Cheyanne fondly. Still thinks of her, to this day. Wonders if she’s alright and what happened to her. Pearl just cannot comprehend any reality where Levi would possess the exact same sweater with the same error she made. Her own stitching.

As much as Pearl wills her brain to connect these two events in a way that makes sense, she just can’t.

Pearl’s lost in thought, completely missing Cleo’s response, when Pearl’s phone rings playing Jesus’s ringtone, Sara Bareilles’s  _ Winter Song _ . (Ever since they’d met in the winter of 2014, Pearl can’t  _ not  _ think of Jesus when she hears it.)

“Hey… Thank  _ God _ you called,” Pearl manages.

“Hey,” Jesus responds distracted. “What’s  _ adversarial  _ mean?”

“What?” Pearl asks. It takes her brain a moment to catch up. To process the question. “Uh, adversarial...means...against. Thinking someone’s against someone else. Why?”

“Moms called and wanted to know if thinking Mariana was being adversarial was ableist...and I didn’t know what the hell they were talking about,” Jesus admits.

“So, I guess it would depend on why they think she’s being adversarial…” Pearl points out diplomatically. “I just sat in Saturday night. Are things not okay?”

“They’re not awful...but they have a long way to go…” Jesus breathes. “Anyway, why’d you sound so relieved when I called? What’s up?”

“Oh.  _ Oh! My God! Okay _ ,” Pearl begins and Cleo startles in her arms at the sudden volume shift.

“Pearl?” Jesus asks. “What’s going on?”

Stopping short of pacing another full lap, Pearl makes her way to the corner with her curtain of LED lights and fabric swing. She hasn’t needed it as much, but who is she kidding? A little swing time in November couldn’t hurt. 

Once she’s settled, and focused on the lights, she continues, soft. “Do you remember when I was knitting a reindeer sweater?”

“What?” Jesus asks, confused.

“A reindeer sweater. It was the first time I’d gotten an order for one. It was for a girl. I mean, not for  _ her _ . But for her dog? Remember? She was from Denver? I spoke to you while I was making it…” Pearl manages, trying not to be impatient.

“We’ve been friends for almost seven years now...and you’ve knitted...like, a billion things. And you somehow want me to remember one reindeer sweater made...how long ago?” Jesus asks, clearly skeptical.

“Two years ago,” Pearl fills in.

“ _ Two years _ ago,” Jesus echoes. “Dude, do you know how that sounds to me? That sounds like… Do I remember what President Obama was wearing when I came home from Super Hell. I can tell it’s hella important to you, Pearl. I can tell it all matters, but I honestly have no idea. Why are you bugging about it?”

“Levi has it,” Pearl comments quietly. “It’s in a bag that his mom dropped off with Levi’s entire holiday life inside.”

“Wait. How does Levi have it?” Jesus asks, confused.

“I have no idea. I assume she sold it online once she didn’t need it anymore and Levi bought it from her? Jesus, this girl. She...had a lot going on. And one day I just...stopped hearing from her. I wrote her back, like, twice, and to this day? Nothing. I’ve always wondered what happened to her, and now here’s Levi with her dog’s sweater. It just...doesn’t make any sense.”

“Well, what did Levi say?” Jesus wonders.

“He just froze. He said nothing. He looked terrified, Jesus. Like he was afraid I was about to find something out, but I have no idea what.”

“...Wait. Pearl...isn’t  _ Levi  _ from Denver originally? Isn’t that where he lived with your dad and his mom? Before they moved to Minnesota?” Jesus asks, tentative.

“You don’t think…” Pearl feels lightheaded all of a sudden. She reaches out to stop the swing. “You don’t think it was Levi the whole time, do you?”

“I don’t know....” Jesus answers. 

“Well, what do I do?” Pearl asks, desperate, her voice quiet and flat.

“Try to keep it together. Just listen to him. Try not to jump to conclusions. Remember me at that age? Remember yourself? We didn’t make the best choices then, but we always did the best we could at the time. Levi’s a good kid. You know that about him. So if he did this, and that’s a big  _ if _ ... Trust that he had a good reason for it. Please? I don’t wanna hang up knowing you’re in a major fight 2,000 miles away and I can’t come to help out.”

“Okay. I’ll try,” Pearl promises, blowing out a breath.

\--

Levi’s heart is about to really pound out of his chest. He’s got no idea what to do. But he does the first thing he can think of and video chats Mari.

“Hey. Can you talk?” he asks, his breath a little shallow.

“Yeah…” she answers, studying him. “Are you okay?”

“No… Pearl is… She’s about to find out something...and I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me for it, Mari. I swear I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t mean for her to find out like this…”

“Slow down,” Mariana cautions. “What? Found out what?”

“Before I found her last July? Before we met officially? I--I’d… I mean…” Levi stutters.

“Before you met Pearl last July…” Mariana fills in, the way he often does for her. She waits, patient, her eyes fixed on his. “You’re okay. No matter what this is. I’m here. I’ve got you.”

“She’s gonna hate me…” Levi manages, breaking. Swallowing a sob. “I can’t. I can’t tell you. It’s too bad.”

Mariana waits and then gently asks: “If you can’t say it… Can you write it down?”

\--

Pearl’s phone chimes with an email alert. She opens it, eager for the distraction it will provide.

Instead, the bottom drops out of her world:

_ To: PearlMarie83@hotmail.com _

_ From: StitchFix626@gmail.com _

_ Subject: Re: Are you okay? _

_ Date: Wed November 10, 2021 - 2:25 PM _

_ Dear Pearl, _

_ It’s me. It’s Levi. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I never wanted you to find out like this. Everything I wrote you was true. My family did need an ugly Christmas sweater for Panther. The lady who usually did them couldn’t anymore, and hers were really good. Dad was super upset just at the idea that Panther was gonna be naked in the Christmas card when all the rest of us were dressed for the holidays. _

_ If it’s any consolation at all, he did love your sweater. He said it made his whole holiday. He cried, Pearl. It really touched him. And it really did mean the world to us to be able to take the Christmas card picture when we did and the way we did, especially since Dad didn’t make it to Christmas that year. _

_ I’m so sorry, Pearl. I never meant to lie to you I just… I’ve heard about you my whole life. I looked you up after I graduated in 2019 and I saw you did knitting. So, around that time when Dad said Panther needed a sweater, I just thought of you. _

_ But I knew you probably had no idea who I was. And I didn’t know how you felt about Dad. I thought if you knew who I was...knew my connection to Dad...you might not want to help us. It was my mistake not telling you the truth. Please don’t kick me out.  _

_ I’m so sorry. _

_ Love, _

_ Levi _


	12. Reason

**2021**

Once Levi sends the email to Pearl (and the entire email thread to Mariana) he loses it. Panther senses something’s off and keeps pace with Levi, whining.

Levi can’t breathe. He can’t think. He’s shaky.

“Get away from me!” he yells at Panther. Levi sweeps books off his desk. He collapses and Panther’s here, licking his face.

It’s so hard not to feel pulled back through time right now. Especially since Panther is the exact same dog they had then. Dad’s dog. The reason for this whole mess in the first place.

But no. Levi knows the truth. Panther didn’t send the emails. Panther didn’t look up Pearl and misrepresent herself. That was all Levi. This deep, multifaceted lie was all his doing.

Eventually, Mariana calls again, and Levi answers, pressing the button with a shaking finger. He seriously doubts he can speak. Levi still can’t catch his breath and seriously might pass out.

“Levi,” she says.

He can’t look at her. God, what if she hates him now, too?

“Levi,” Mariana repeats, her voice echoing in his head. “Look at me.” She’s serious. Firm. 

“I can’t…” he gasps. “I can’t if you-- What if you-- Hate me?” The words come out in bursts.

“Levi, I don’t. I don’t hate you. I wanna help. Please, look at me,” Mariana begs.

Finally, Levi peeks at her. 

She’s blurry so he wipes his eyes.

“Is that the SoCal candle behind you?” she asks.

Levi turns, embarrassed that she can see that he’s commandeered his and Pearl’s shared birthday gift from Mariana and basically claimed it as his own.

“Yeah…” he manages. 

“Smell it,” she urges.

“What?” Levi asks, confused.

“Just trust me,” Mariana insists.

So, still vibrating with panic, he reaches up to his desk and holds the candle in his hand. Breathes in.

“What’s it smell like?” she asks.

“Don’t you already know that? Isn’t that why you sent it?” Levi wonders, breathing in a little.

“Actually, no. I got it online and sent it there. Just trusted that it was good.” Mariana explains. “So, what is it?”

“It’s like…” Levi sniffs experimentally. “Floral,” he sniffs again. “And kinda like clean laundry?” Another sniff. “Fresh. Good.” Panther sticks her face in it, too.

Levi feels like the most destroyed person ever, candle clutched in one hand, his phone in the other. Going back and forth between checking to see if Mariana’s still there and compulsively sniffing for this proof that it’s not two years ago.

“I think she really might kick me out…” Levi worries.

“Levi? Are you okay?” Fran asks all of a sudden, in frame beside Mariana.

“I, uh… Not really, Fran. No. I… I did kind of a stupid thing and now I’m worried because Pearl found out about it.”

“You shouldn’t say mean things about yourself,” Fran corrects gently. “And besides, when I do stupid things...I never think they’re stupid at the time. Pearl probably knows that. She’ll forgive you, I bet.”

“I hope so…” Levi manages.

“Okay, can I have some privacy to talk to Levi?” Mariana whispers.

“Sure,” Fran says from off-camera, “I’ll just listen to my music.”

“Fran’s got a point,” Mariana agrees once they’re not being overheard. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“It’s just...all the stuff with her mom. I remember what it was like...pissing her off. And that was just by accident,” Levi admits.

“But… Pearl’s not her mom. She’s got some traits, maybe but...she’s also like your dad. And he wouldn’t hurt you over this, Levi.”

“I just...I don’t wanna disappoint her...Pearl…” Levi manages, trying to swallow around the giant lump in his throat.

“Well...you will,” Mariana says softly. Matter-of-fact. “As a human, you will. And I know that you try really hard to never make any mistakes…”

Levi nods.

“And you try to be perfect so no one has a reason to be upset with you. But that’s not realistic...to try to maintain that...being perfect all the time...” Mariana explains.

“I know...but I  _ wanna _ be,” Levi says, his voice heavy. He trails off. After a long time, he speaks again. “Say the wrong thing...and people die. Do the wrong thing…”

“Levi, that’s trauma…” Mariana points out. “Because things have been so scary...when you confided in people...or when you made mistakes before...but usually...apparently...making mistakes is safe. And so is confiding in people.”

“But I didn’t confide in Pearl, Mari. I lied. For six months or something. It was a big lie. I full on catfished her. Used my friend’s mailing address and PayPal. With the friend’s consent, but still, Pearl didn’t know a thing about it,” Levi rambles.

“And that’s a big thing. And it’s gonna take time to work through it,” Mariana tells him. “This...might be the first big mistake I’ve ever seen you make. You keep it together so well.”

“Sorry,” Levi says, looking down again. He sniffs the candle.

“No, I mean… You’ve seen me so much...with my guard down. I think this is the first time it’s reversed.”

“And?” Levi asks, breathless.

“I like you,” Mariana finishes simply, a gentle smile touching her lips.

“Traumatized?” Levi asks, unsmiling.

“No… Honest,” Mariana fills in gently.

“I’m so glad I didn’t lose my best friend,” Levi breathes a sigh of relief. Something twinges inside him, knowing that used to be Dad.

“You’ll always have me,” Mariana says, and Levi longs to be able to just hold her hand.

“Me, too. You know...if you want,” Levi hedges.

“I always want,” Mariana reassures him.

And he feels the tiniest bit better.

\--

Pearl, who, by all accounts, hates the woods? Is running through them. Cleo panting at her side. They’ve gotten a little snow, which transforms the outdoors just enough that it doesn’t resemble the scene of her worst nightmares.

But that doesn’t mean that Pearl is in any way okay.

She doesn’t know if she will ever stop crying. 

How could Levi have done this to her? How could he have reached out knowing Dad was alive for almost half a year, and never told her as much?

The grief Pearl has been so out of touch with ever since she was a little girl is a throbbing ache in her chest. It’s a heaviness. It is realization after realization after realization slamming into her like waves, relentless in their intensity.

She could have known Dad.

All those months, she was stupidly writing back to her own brother? Feeling like she was doing some good deed she could pat herself on the back for and all the while...Dad had been alive. 

_ Dad _ had hated September.  _ Dad _ had been hospitalized.  _ Dad _ had cried over something Pearl made. But had Levi ever told him? Had Dad even known who the sweater came from?

Pearl runs until her lungs burn.

When she reaches the edge of the woods and breaks through the trees, Pearl falls, the weight of grief crushing her.

Somehow, she gets Jesus back on video chat.

She can’t speak, but she knows he can see her, that he’s here. And that’s enough.

“Oh. God...Pearl… It...It was Levi?” Jesus asks.

Wordless, Pearl nods.

Jesus just listens.

“I feel so...used…” she manages. “So stupid… I was up on my high horse thinking I was helping some...poor teenage girl...and meanwhile? I was making a sweater for my Dad…” Pearl sobs. “Because he wanted to dress up Panther for their Christmas card…”

“I’m so sorry. God, I don’t even know what to say…” Jesus manages.

“When we sent you guys your birthday gifts…” Pearl begins, out of breath. “Levi printed what were supposed to be our Christmas card pictures...for your birthday cards. When I mentioned it…” Pearl tries to inhale, but in the cold air and with her swollen sinuses it comes out as an inelegant snort. “He said he thought we could do one in ugly Christmas sweaters...that I could even knit one for Cleo...and I thought ‘ _ What a cute idea _ …’” Pearl’s voice climbs dangerously. “I didn’t even consider why doesn’t he need one for Panther?” 

“Because you didn’t have Panther ‘til June,” Jesus reminds Pearl gently. “The next month.”

“Jesus, I know… It’s just… I feel so stupid…” Pearl admits. “That he’s known all this time. That all this time I thought I was talking to this girl...I was talking to Levi. That I could’ve known my dad. Like, really known him. But I didn’t get the chance…”

For once, Pearl doesn’t care who sees her. The 30-something woman crouched at the edge of the trees, bawling with her pug....on her phone...no dignity left.

“That seriously sucks,” Jesus tells her. “I wish there was something I could do. Some way I could help. Are you guys gonna be okay?”

Pearl draws in a shaking breath. “I mean, we’re going to have to be. Right? Isn’t that how it works with family? With siblings? I wouldn’t know...I was raised as an only child,” she manages around a shuddering breath.

“I think...being family isn’t a free pass to hurt each other. But I also don’t think...based on what I know of Levi...that he meant it that way. I’m not saying don’t be hurt, because it’s a major loss, and however you feel about it is legit. I am saying, though...that there’s a difference between someone who sets out to harm you...or control you...or whatever...and a scared kid, who’s just trying to do a thing for his dad...and get to know his sis,” Jesus considers.

“What do you mean?” Pearl asks.

“Just that I know how it feels to be desperate for family. I know how it feels to lose family. I know the ache that leaves. I know Mari and I sought out our bio dad because of that ache, even though we had no idea who he was. And he wasn’t exactly happy to see us,” Jesus remembers.

“So…” Pearl hesitates.

“So, maybe, I can see where Levi’s coming from on this. “I know how it can feel to be so desperate for more family. More connection to whoever you share DNA with...and to have that blow up in your face. You have every right to feel used and stupid and hurt and everything. I’m just saying, I also understand Levi being cautious...not wanting to lose what family he had left. You two are the only living relative that connects back to your Dad. That’s a big deal. Levi knew that.”

“So, what do I do? Just forgive him? I mean, the last person I want to be like is my mom here, Jesus, but I cannot just get over this.” Pearl manages.

“I’m not saying you should. Just...don’t bury it either… Feel about it. Be honest with Levi. It’s gonna take time. This is your first real big fight.” Jesus encourages.

“I guess I can’t live in the woods in November,” Pearl says, finally drying her tears. She gets up. Starts walking back toward the cabin.

“Do you think you can talk to him?” Jesus asks.

“He emailed me…” Pearl ventures. “He thinks I’m going to kick him out.”

“Well, I’d make sure to reassure him on that point right away. If it’s true you’re not going to kick him out, let him know that. You might feel it’s obvious, but to him, it’s not,” Jesus explains patiently.

“You know so much about this,” Pearl breathes.

“Well, I know a thing or two about losing homes, families, siblings…” Jesus muses. “Things aren’t as set in stone for us as people around us would like to think. We need a lot of reassurance. Hell, I’m panicking right now, going through the recertification process to keep living here, thinking it’s all just going to get taken away at any moment. Because of one mistake on a form. One signature they don’t have.”

“You’re not going to lose your home,” Pearl reassures. “And Levi’s not going to lose his.” She takes a deep breath, just outside the door to her cabin. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to write back to my brother.”

“Alright. Let me know if you need me. And thanks,” Jesus says.

\--

_ To: LeviPWest@gmail.com _

_ From: PearlEWest@hotmail.com _

_ Subject: We’re Going To Get Through This _

_ Date: Wed November 10, 2021 - 4:35 PM _

_ Dear Levi, _

_ First, I’m not going to kick you out. You’re my brother and I love you. I know you didn’t do what you did to be intentionally malicious. That makes a difference in my book. _

_ I can’t deny that I am hurt, though. Really, really hurt. The idea that I could have known Dad and now will never get the chance to destroys me. I realize you had no way of knowing my feelings about Dad back then - or what I had been told. That’s not your fault. I just so wish...that I could have seen Dad one more time. Spoken to him. I have so many unanswered questions, Levi. So much of my life and history is a blank. _

_ You at least have your Mom, who knows family stories and can pass along knowledge and cute mementos from your past. You are my only living blood relative who I can safely have contact with. And we only just met. _

_ This is an ache I’ll likely always feel. You didn’t cause it. I want you to know I know that. _

_ All the same, this is a huge blow for me. It will take time to heal. And to be able to fully trust you again. I feel used and very stupid. I feel duped. And I feel a grief like I have never known. _

_ I want you to know that even though all of the above is true, so is this: I will never hurt you the way my mother did. No matter what. I won’t demean you, tease you or abuse you in any way. _

_ I love you very much, and I would love to hear back from you, whenever and however you can. _

_ Love,  _

_ Pearl _


	13. Reel-to-Reel

**2021**

Mariana’s phone rings with Jesus’s ringtone, and she feels like she’s been on the phone all day long.

“Hey,” Jesus says, the second she picks up. “Did you talk to Levi today?”

“Just now,” Mariana nods. “He’s destroyed. Why?”

“Yeah, so is Pearl,” Jesus confirms. “I know it’s not technically Avoider night or support group night but I think they need us…” Jesus ventures. “Is Fran okay keeping herself busy?”

“I think so…” Mariana nods.

Mariana covers the phone. “Hey, Fran? Can you tell Moms I’m doing a thing...and I need privacy?”

“Sure,” Fran leaps up - always so eager to help. She rushes to their bedroom door and opens it, shouting into the hall: “Hey, Moms! Mariana needs to do a thing! And it’s private so don’t bug her, okay!” Then, at regular volume and sweet as ever, she turns back to Mariana. “Okay. They won’t bug you.”

“Thanks...do you think you can do TikTok or something with Nico?” Mariana checks. 

“Yeah,” Fran nods. 

“Okay, I’m gonna be in the break room,” Mariana says and she makes her way there.

She and Fran have been home less than two weeks and it’s still weird as hell. Mari still feels the most at ease when it’s just she and Fran in the house, and she doesn’t have to worry about Moms picking apart everything she says, or asking Jesus about everything she does.

It’s best when it’s just her and The Avoiders.

“Hello? I’m still here…” Jesus says, and Mariana stares at the phone in her hand. 

“Right. Sorry,” she gets comfortable on some blankets. 

The break room is the one good thing about being back. But it makes her ache in a strange way, too, knowing that it isn’t Jesus’s room anymore. That he won’t be coming back. (True, they’d had it as their office before, but this feels different somehow.) 

The darkening curtains are shutting out all the light and Mariana finds the switch for the fairy lights. 

“Should I let you go?” Jesus asks.

“Wait. Do you wanna call Dom, or should I?” Mariana asks.

“Uh… You can. I’m gonna see if I can get Pearl back on the phone. Check if she emailed him or not.”

“Oh, God, she was gonna email him?” Mariana realizes. “I should check in and see how he is…”

“So...you want  _ me _ to get Dom?” Jesus asks, confused.

“Ask her,” Mariana corrects. “We don’t just gather our friends without asking them. No, I’ll do it. I can check in with him when we do the thing.”

“Right,” Jesus nods. I’ll group chat when we’re set.”

\--

The cabin has been totally quiet since Pearl came back in. If Levi’s car weren’t parked in the drive, Pearl would have wondered if he was still home. 

Her phone rings again,  _ Winter Song _ playing to let her know it’s Jesus.

“Hey. Did you make it back inside?” he checks.

“Yeah,” Pearl admits. She’s still not even close to okay, and she appreciates having friends who recognize that and check in constantly when she needs it.

“So, Mari and I were thinking… Maybe an emergency grown Avoiders meeting? We can hang with you and Levi when you see each other face to face?”

“I think that would help… I can’t say what Levi thinks. He’s keeping a pretty low profile.”

“Well, Mari’s seeing if Dom can join and then she’ll probably touch base with Levi, and we’ll go from there.”

\--

Levi hasn’t been able to check his email. He saw one come in via Peal’s current email address. He even read the title, but he can’t bring himself to open it.

When Mariana calls again, Levi says, “I destroyed her life…”

“Levi…” Mariana objects softly. “You didn’t.”

He clicks on the email, braver now that he’s on the phone with Mari. “She...she didn’t get to see Dad one more time because of me…” he reads, feeling hollow. “She says I’m her only living blood relative…and she’s really hurt. But she still wants to hear from me. I just...I don’t know what to say. I already apologized.”

“Do you want advice?” Mariana checks.

“Please,” Levi almost begs.

“Give her space to have her feelings,” Mariana starts.

“I mean...I’m basically doing that…” Levi tells her, confused.

“No. You’re hiding from her,” Mariana says. “I mean like...allow her to feel about this. You reached out to her always knowing her...always knowing all the pieces of what you were doing. Pearl...she...didn’t get that whatever...dignity...luxury,” Mariana says, finding the word she’s searching for.

“So...how...do I?” Levi asks. “I don’t know how to be in a fight with a sibling…” he admits. “The only time we ever even butted heads at all is when she accidentally triggered me with those cookies her mom baked for my dad…”

“Talk to her?” Mariana encourages. “Give her whatever pieces you held back. But you know...Jesus and I...and Dom...we’ll be here. Well, assuming Dom’s not busy and wants to.”

“I don’t know how to face her…” Levi admits.

“Levi, that’s why I’m saying...it can be us. All of us. Not just you two,” Mariana reassures. “Let me call Dom. Can I let her know some of what’s going on?”

“Sure. I’d rather you do it. I’m embarrassed enough…” Levi manages. 

“Okay. Then Jesus said he’ll video chat all of us. That way if you need...actual space or whatever...from each other, you can have it, but I think seeing each other is important. You live in the same house,” she chides with a smile.

“Alright. I’ll just hang out down here with Panther and SoCal…” Levi says, weary.

He’s exhausted. Feels like crawling into bed and sleeping for years - at least until November’s no longer a thing. But Jesus is calling soon, and he promised Mari he’d be awake for it.

Levi braces himself against the wall, absently petting Panther and breathing in the scent of people he loves, who are so impossibly far away.

\--

Dominique literally just walks through the door when her phone starts ringing. In seconds, she’s rooting around for it in her pockets, trying to find it. 

Her day at work had been weirdly satisfying. She got to see a little girl, around seven, with scars like her own. They connected briefly, and her mom left Dominique her phone number. So, obviously, Dom’s hoping that she doesn’t miss the girl’s mom’s call.

A glance at the screen shows Mariana’s name in the display window, instead. 

“Hey. What’s up?” Dominique asks.

“Uh...kinda an emergency?” Mariana begins.

“Are you and Fran okay?” Dominique wonders, on alert. “I can come for you.”

“No. I mean, yes. We’re fine. It’s the Wests.” Mariana says, surprising Dominique.

“What do you mean? They’re solid,” Dominique asks, stunned. “What happened?”

“I guess back a couple years ago...before Levi met Pearl...he found her online. Catfished her…” Mariana shares quietly.

“Holy shit,” Dominique breathes. 

“Is not as bad as I made it sound. I mean...it is...just...Levi didn’t do it to be awful. But obviously, Pearl’s really upset. Levi contacted her while their dad was still alive and Pearl had no idea who she was talking to...no idea he was actually alive...so…”

“So, she could’ve known him,” Dominique realizes. “Damn…”

“Yeah. So, they’ve kinda had their own space but Jesus and I are kinda hoping that with support they can face each other? Talk?”

“Yeah. Definitely,” Dominique nods.

“Okay. I’m gonna call Jesus. Then he’s gonna call all of us,” Mariana passes along.

“Sounds good. Damn work. I miss everything,” Dominique swears lightly, petting Roberta.

\--

Once Jesus gets the okay from Mariana, he carefully selects all five of the grown Avoiders and waits, with Dudley close by, his headphones on to protect everybody’s privacy as much as possible.

First Mariana’s there, then Dominique, then Pearl, and finally, Levi.

There’s no denying it, the Wests look rough. Pearl’s face is tear-streaked in a way that reminds Jesus of half a dozen years ago, when she ran into her rapist at the post office and called him in a panic after.

Levi looks haunted, his eyes down. Panther snores, her head in his lap.

No one says anything. Jesus knows it’s nobody’s place to. They just wanna support Pearl and Levi in this.

“I...got your email…” Pearl offers, voice raw.

“I got yours, too,” Levi answers, his voice soft. “Pearl...I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to find out like this.”

“It sort of seems like you never meant for me to find out  _ at all _ …” Pearl ventures, hurt. “Were you ever going to tell me?”

“I...when he was alive...I almost did...so many times. I almost told you. Told  _ him _ . But I just...couldn’t. And after he died, I… I couldn’t face you. It seemed too cruel to admit it after the fact…”

“It wasn’t particularly nice to do in the first place,” Pearl says, and Jesus can feel her holding back.

“No, I know,” Levi answers.

“So...no? You weren’t ever gonna tell me you found me then?” Pearl presses.

“I guess not…” Levi admits. “But I know I owe you an explanation, at least. So, here goes: My friend’s name is Cheyanne Lake. We’ve been friends for half my life. She was 18 at the time. We graduated together. She let me use her mailing address and she sent the payment with her PayPal after I gave her cash for it. She… When I told her, she said I should tell you. Said I was acting a fool if I didn’t.”

“You have wise friends,” Pearl remarks, wiping her eyes.

“This… I mean… I’m so sorry… I didn’t know if you knew about me. Or not. Or if you hated Dad and didn’t want anything to do with him… I didn’t know she’d told you he died back when you were a kid. Had no idea,” Levi manages.

“Levi?” Mariana interjects quietly. “Can Pearl talk?”

“I’m scared of what she’ll say…” Levi admits.

“Like you were then?” Pearl asks.

Levi nods.

“But we don’t control people in this family, do we?” Pearl asks rhetorically. “We don’t fill all the silence so the other person never gets to speak. Whether it’s due to anxiety or not, that’s not kind,” she reprimands gently. “And it doesn’t make me feel good to know that you kept this from me all this time. To know that you met me last July...moved in last September...and never said a word.”

“I was hoping you’d never have to find out,” Levi whispers.

“So, how  _ do  _ you feel, Pearl?” Dominique asks.

“I feel...stupid. I feel cheated. Used. Duped. I feel grief...I feel nothing. I don’t have the first clue what I feel.”

“Can you hear that, Levi?” Jesus asks, gently.

Levi nods, mute.

“Did he...ask...where you got the sweater?” Pearl wonders, her voice full of unshed tears.

“He did,” Levi confirms.

“And what did you say?” Pearl presses.

“Both of them asked. I said I found it online,” Levi admits.

“But when you came out here for the first time...and stood on this porch and told me you were my brother...didn’t you also think about it then? Telling me?” Pearl begs.

“The truth is...I can barely remember it…” Levi confides. “I just remember hoping I didn’t pass out. I was so nervous. I remember when I came back, though...and you asked me to move in here? Seeing you that time? I remember...like...being stunned because you look so much like Dad.”

“Do I?” Pearl asks, confused.

“Definitely,” Levi says. “And just...I hadn’t seen him in so long, that seeing you...kinda brought him back for me.”

“And seeing you it brought me something, too, Levi,” Pearl swallows. “But it also took something from me. Because I had to learn my mother had spent three decades lying to me. Passing on Dad’s letters to me to  _ her _ mother. So I’d never get to see them, until they decided to show me.”

Levi looks back at her, tears making tracks down his cheeks.

“Don’t you see?” Pearl begs. “I can’t have you be another family member who lies to me. I can’t have people all around me making decisions about what’s good for me. What information I deserve to have. What I’m ready for. And what would be easier to just omit.” Pearl pauses and draws in a shaking breath. “Now that we are family, I need to know that this will never happen again. Please don’t lie to me anymore, Levi. It’s important.”

“I’ll do my best…” Levi manages.

“It’s my boundary, Levi. I’m telling you, it cannot happen. I need you to respect that. If you need one of the Avoiders, or all of them, to help you, I’m okay with that. I just need to know this will never happen again. I need to be able to trust the people I live with. I need to be able to trust my family.”

“Okay,” Levi nods. “You can. I’ll… I’ll make sure to always tell you the truth.”

“About what concerns me,” Pearl amends. “Don’t mislead me on purpose. You don’t owe me absolute transparency about your private life. To be clear.”

“Right,” Levi nods.

“Are we okay?” Pearl asks.

“ _ Are _ we?” Levi echoes, concerned.

“I’m going to need to process this more. A lot more. So...be ready for that, I guess. But believe what I wrote, Levi. Yes, you hurt me. But I am not my mother. And I would never hurt you the way she did. If I ever do hurt you, it’s accidental, and I will apologize. That’s a promise.”

“Okay,” Levi manages. “I really am sorry. And I’ll answer whatever questions you have about that. About Dad.”

“You don’t have to cross your boundaries to respect mine,” Pearl reminds. “And thank you, you guys, for sitting in,” she says to Jesus, Mariana and Dominique.

“No problem,” Jesus answers.

“Are y’all gonna be okay?” Dominique wonders.

“It might take some time,” Pearl allows. “But we’ll get there.”

“Thanks for your help,” Levi adds.

“Anytime,” Mariana reassures. “If you need us, call back.”

“We will,” Levi answers.

And he watches as all his friends’ faces disappear.

Until Levi’s and Pearl’s are the only two left on screen.


	14. Superstition

**2021**

For the longest time, they don’t speak.

They each just manage to sit, tears falling down their own cheeks, not quite looking at each other in the eye.

“Mariana…” Levi starts. “She told me back when we were in California...that I couldn’t baby her. Couldn’t protect ther by deciding what information she could handle. That’s...kinda what I did to you with this, isn’t it?” Levi asks.

Pearl nods. “I understand that it was a survival mechanism. I understand that protecting us, by extension...it also protected you from more pain. But I don’t feel good when you do it.”

“So...what do I do instead?” Levi asks.

Pearl thinks back. “I think...if you’re scared to tell me something...start there. Let me know it’s scary. I wanna support you, Levi. Always.”

“ _ Tell people how you feel, _ ” Levi muses and it sounds to Pearl like he’s quoting someone.

“Who said that?” Pearl wonders. 

“Dad,” Levi looks at her straight on. “I was shy growing up, too, and when kids did stuff that hurt my feelings? I’d just lock it all up inside.”

“Yup,” Pearl agrees, and it makes her feel like she belongs somewhere to hear that they have this in common. 

“But by the time I’d get home, I’d be crying, or mad. Or crying  _ because _ I was mad…and Dad just sat me down one time and asked what was wrong. I don’t remember what it was, but I remember him saying it’s okay to share how you feel. That sharing how we feel opens the door.”

“What did he mean by that?” Pearl asks.

“That...I guess...feelings are okay? Relatable? That in most situations, it’s safe to share feelings because people wanna help. Just like you, right? That’s why you said the same thing as Dad?” Levi asks.

“Right,” Pearl nods, wiping her eyes. “I wish I’d known… I just...I don’t know what I would have said or done...if I would’ve felt betrayed...or what? But the idea of getting to see Dad again… I used to dream about him coming back to get me.”

“From where?” Levi asks. 

“No idea… He’d just...be there at the door...take my hand and tell me to hurry. He’s got to take me someplace safe.”

“That sounds like him,” Levi smiles a little. “The thing is… The dad you knew...and the one I knew? They were different. Older, yeah, but also...sadder. More afraid. You knew him as this brave man, and he was. But you kinda...you got to see what made him strong...and I kinda...I think I saw what broke him.”

Pearl considers this. “Do you really think that? That he was broken?”

“I just mean...he wasn’t immune...from things getting to him, you know? As a little kid...we believe things, you know? He convinced me for  _ years _ that he could make the sun rise in the mornings.”

“What?” Pearl asks, smiling in spite of herself. 

“Yeah… That it was like...his gift from him to me. And I believed it. I was just a little kid,” Levi shrugs.

“So, of course you did,” Pearl consoles him.

“I think I mean...I saw him as this superhero growing up. Like, Superman. But when I was older, I saw that he was really Clark Kent the whole time. Not that he was being dishonest necessarily, by doing the hero stuff, but more…”

“...Layered?” Pearl offers. “More human?” 

“Yeah. Maybe that’s it - what I’m trying to say,” Levi nods.

“That when I was four, I saw Dad as this superhero who was going to swoop in and save the day. And maybe he had the capacity to be that…”

“He did,” Levi fills in.

“...But he was also just a man. And I think that’s the part that fades after death. Someone’s humanity. We often only want to see that person in the best possible light,” Pearl muses. “But that’s not always respectful, either, because it ignores their entire breadth of experiences.”

“You’re so smart,” Levi tells her, admiring.

“Well, thank you. Most people would say I analyze things to death… Ugh, and the cognitive dissonance is real. In my head, he’s this almost mythic person, and yet…I have no idea what happened that made him leave. And I hate not knowing…”

“Is this how it’s always gonna be when we fight? I like talking about Dad with you...I just don’t like that I hurt you so badly,” Levi comments.

“I don’t know…” Pearl muses. “And for the record, it doesn’t matter to me what version of Dad I could have found two years ago. Seeing that he was alive. Getting to talk to him? That would have been enough.”

“He said something like, ‘By God, we got ourselves a reindeer,’ when he saw the sweater. And then he made some corny joke about how the song went Dasher and Dancer and Panther and Vixen…”

From beside Levi, Panther perks up.

Pearl laughs, even though the tears well in her eyes. “I wish you could have told him it was from me… Do you think he would have loved it just as much?”

“More,” Levi manages, eyes shining.

**1987**

It’s the middle of the week, around halfway through October when Paris arrives home to find Carla glued to the couch in front of the television. A glance down the hall, lends him a glimpse of four-year-old Pearl peeking out her bedroom door to grin at him.

“What’s going on?” he asks Carla, exhausted, and casting worried glances at the screen. There’s a crowd of people gathering around...well, Paris isn’t sure what the hell it is.

“A baby fell into a well in Texas,” Carla shares. “I’ve been watching for updates. The rescuers don’t seem to know what the hell they’re doing.”

Paris gets dinner on the table for Pearl. Carla can’t tear herself away, and keeps the news on even as she eats. 

“They’re not gonna get her out of there,” Carla says, and her eyes shine in a way that makes Paris uneasy.

“Who?” Pearl asks. “Out of where?”

“Eat your macaroni and cheese,” Paris urges. He’s not a chef. Can barely manage to boil water. Lonnie once asked him to boil potatoes and he put them whole into a pot, without water. He’d been fixing to graduate high school. But macaroni and cheese is simple enough, and Pearl loves it.

“They’re gonna pull a dead baby out of there. You’ll see…” Carla urges.

“A  _ baby _ ?” Pearl asks. “How come it’s gonna be dead?”

“Because people are incompetent,” Carla says cavalierly.

“I could go out there,” Paris offers.

“What’s  _ incompentent _ ,” Pearl tries.

“It means they’re stupid,” Carla snaps.

Pearl goes quiet, focused on the TV.

\--

On the second day, Paris has done his best to keep busy, getting Pearl set and off to school.

When he arrives home, Carla’s back on the couch, a slice of peanut-butter toast and a cup of coffee in front of her. “Her parents are  _ teenagers _ …” Carla scoffs. “Makes so much sense now…”

“What’s that?” Paris asks, though he’s not sure he wants to know. 

“Well, I’d never let Pearl play outside alone, not even for a second! Anything could happen! And that proves it!” Carla gestures wildly to the screen. “How hard is it to just send somebody down there?!” she screams like she’s watching the Vikings and not the actual life and death situation of a baby.

“They gotta drill a hole. Can’t drill through solid rock…” Paris comments.

“Can you get me some more coffee?” she asks. “I don’t want to miss anything…”

Wordless, Paris takes her cup - one of about five she’s managed to collect from Hardee’s. Brown at the top, tan underneath with Rise and Shine written on the side. He fills it with several spoonfuls of Coffeemate non-dairy creamer and just enough coffee to combine it. To Paris, the concoction seems vile, but make it any other way and Paris will never hear the end of it.

He takes his time, mulling the situation as he makes his way back to Carla on the couch and sets down her coffee, taking a seat on the other end of the couch.

“Carla, I can’t just sit at home knowing this baby’s in danger. Not when I could help.”

“You think you’re gonna go all the way to Texas and pull a baby out of a well? Paris, the professionals can’t even figure it out. What makes you think you can?” Carla rolls her eyes, taking a sip of her coffee.

Paris braces for a reaction, but none comes.

“I need to do something,” he presses quietly. “This ain’t a show, Carla! This is somebody’s baby! This is a child’s life!”

“You have a child right here!” Carla screams, on her feet all of a sudden. “You  _ have _ a family! Funny how you can drop everything to save everyone else, but you won’t save us!”

Paris steps back, hurt. “You won’t let me! You won’t let me do one damn thing that might help us. No to counseling. No to church--”

“Church is not going to do a damn thing!” Carla spits back. “And neither are you. If you even think about leaving here to help that baby, you’re gonna wish you hadn’t…” Carla threatens.

Paris sits down, defeated.

He just can’t see a way out. The money he’s saving keeps turning up missing. But Carla keeps bringing home new things like shopping’s going out of style. She just got her hair done to look like Princess Diana’s, except Carla’s is brown and curly, not blonde and straight.

Paris goes to their bedroom, knowing he can’t very well unearth his notebook from the chair right now. He has to think of what he’s gonna do.

\--

The baby’s rescued from the well in Texas the night of the third day. They pull her out, and she’s alive. Her eyes open.

“See?” Carla says smugly. “Look at that. They did it without you.”

Relief and disgust sweep through him like a tidal wave.

He’s no closer to figuring out what he ought to do.

**2021**

_ Dear Dad, _

_ It’s me, Pearl. I’m so glad you liked the sweater I made for Panther. I’m sorry I didn’t know I was making it for you guys. For your family. Dad, if I had known you were alive, I’d have come right away...At least I hope I would have. _

_ I miss you so much and the ache inside me is worse than it ever was as a child. Because now, I’m allowed to feel about it, and I never was before. _

_ I like to think you’d be proud of me for how I’ve dealt with the news that Levi found me before. I know he didn’t do it on purpose and I know that he’s a good kid deep down...but I cannot deny that I am so hurt by losing out on the chance to ever know you, hear your voice, speak to you...see you… _

_ I wish I knew the whole story, Dad. Why you left. Why you’d leave me - a child - there with someone so obviously dangerous. If you couldn’t safely stay in the marriage, why would you leave me with her? I understand custody was a tricky thing - that it was always awarded to the mother...but I feel there is something I’m missing. Some piece that you’ve intentionally left out. _

_ Maybe, like Levi, you’ve done it to protect me. Maybe to protect yourself. I really don’t know. And now, chances are, I never will. I have to make my peace with that. _

_ So now, and maybe for the first time, I grieve you. I grieve all the times I’ll never hear you laugh. All the advice I’ll never be able to ask you for. All the hugs I’ll never feel. _

_ I wonder if you ever felt regret. I know you tried to see me, because of what happened to Levi (which he does not want you to know, so I’m sorry, my lips are sealed.) I so wish I had been there. I wish it hadn’t all been a ruse by my mother to manipulate you. I wish Levi had never been hurt that day. I feel to blame for all of it, even though I know Levi would probably say that’s not true. _

_ What I know for sure is that I love you. No matter what else you’ve done - no matter the ways you’d changed by the time you were Levi’s dad - I love you. _

_ I miss you. _

_ Love, _

_ Pearl _


	15. Erstwhile

**2007:**

_ Dear Journal, _

_ I kind of can’t believe this. I did it. I’m on my own. _

_ Mom would say “It took long enough,” and it certainly took a while, but I’m kind of proud of myself. I like my little cabin in the woods. And I LOVE Gracie. She is the most amazing dog I could have ever been matched with. _

_ We get along so well. I’m telling you, it’s kismet. _

_ Mom’s trying to impose all kinds of rules on me. A curfew and such. I get that she cares, but hello? I’m twenty-four years old. She didn’t give me a curfew at home. Why start now? _

_ I tell you, Journal, she is seriously confusing. _

_ But back to how amazing my life is: Honestly, I never would have pictured this reality, this future for myself. For so long peace just seemed like an illusion. Happiness seemed like something for people with no problems in their lives. _

_ I am so excited to start a new life with Gracie. Speaking of which, I asked her what she thinks about possibly starting a small knitting business online making pet clothes. She approves. It’s so cold in winter here after all. _

_ I’ll write more later. _

_ Love, _

_ Pearl _

**1999:**

_ Dear Journal, _

_ Today is my birthday. I’m seventeen. And there is nothing to celebrate. (Really, there’s not.) But Mom is insisting we go out to her favorite place even if the idea of eating makes me perpetually nauseous. I can’t tell Mom - the one time I did - she asked in that way she has “You’re not pregnant, are you?” _

_ I’m serious. I almost passed out at the thought. _

_ (I have since bought three pregnancy tests. I took one in april. One in may. One at the beginning of this month. All negative. Thank God. Hopefully, I can stop myself from buying them in the future because what an awful habit. People are going to talk - more than they already do - if they keep seeing me buying those at the store all the time.) _

_ Anyway, I’ll force something down, I’m sure. Mom says it’s selfish not to celebrate my birthday because childbirth was a lot of work for her. That at least I could show her some appreciation for her part in my being here by acting grateful and coming out to celebrate instead of just staying inside all day and being a hermit. _

_ Thanks, Mom… I feel really loved and celebrated… _

_ Pearl _

**1998:**

_ Dear Journal, _

_ I found a new hiding place for you, in the video cassette case for The Rescuers Down Under. (Since that movie is obviously always in my VCP in my room, the case is empty...and it’s the perfect size to hide you. Thank Goodness, or I would never dare writing any of this down…) _

_ Tonight, I had the worst fight I’ve ever had with Mom. Sometimes, I think I might hate her.  _

_ The ONE night that I want to go do something - see the school play - the one-act is A Piece of My Heart, or Piece of My Heart - no, that’s a song, Pearl. Anyway. _

_ I brought it up tonight as I was getting ready to go out the door. And then Mom’s like, “You can’t. You have to study.” (I swear, her whole life revolves around what score I’ll get on the ACTs...never mind that I won’t even take them until next year…) I told her I had studied...I mean, true. My whole life is studying. I just hadn’t dedicated any specific time to it tonight. _

_ She’s like, “I don’t care. You didn’t ask my permission. You’re not going anywhere.” _

_ Usually, I’m quiet when she gets in one of her moods, but I’d really been looking forward to the play. So, I was like, “Why do you care tonight if I go anywhere? You don’t usually.” _

_ By now, she was literally blocking the front door, and I knew there was no way around her. I have no idea how to go out a window quietly...and I also can’t drive.  _

_ All this was crushing down on me at once. I broke down and started crying. The one thing Mom hates more than anything else. I turned my back and she said to stop crying.  _

_ I didn’t. I pushed back too far. I should have known better than to do that. But at the time, it was like, I couldn’t help it. The words just flew out of my mouth. (Because, hello! 15-year-olds go to school plays!) Anyway, I said: _

_ “I wish Dad were alive! He’d let me go!” _

_ And, journal, I didn’t even see it coming... _

_ She brought her hand back - her acrylic nails stinging against my eyelid. I think it might bruise.  _

_ I’m scared. _

_ What if I go to school with a black eye and people notice? _

_ What if they don’t? _

_ I can tell you one thing, journal: I was being 100% honest when I said I wish Dad were alive. At least when you have divorced parents you have somewhere to go when your mom hits you.  _

_ Where do you go when she’s all you have? _

_ Pearl _

**1994:**

_ Hi Journal. _

_ Guess what? Today I had to make spaghetti all by myself. It was hard. I messed up. Mom was mad at me for putting water in the sauce. She said, “You KNOW the water is for the noodles!” But I didn’t know. (I think sometimes she forgets I’m 11.) _

_ She’s making us eat all the awful spaghetti for leftovers - even with watery sauce - because we need to save money.  _

_ I said it’s terrible, and Mom said I’ll know not to mess it up next time. _

_ I feel so bad. I ruin everything. _

_ Yours Truly, _

_ Pearl _

**1991:**

** _Write about a secret you’ve never shared. How do you keep it secret? How does the secret make you feel?_ **

_ A Secret I’ve Never Shared  _

_ By: Pearl West _

_ A secret I’ve never shared is I wonder if I was too much stress on my Dad and made him not live. I keep this secret by not talking about it because when I do talk about Dad, Mom gets mad. This secret makes me feel like a very bad person. I wish my dad were still alive so I could be just like everyone else and have two parents.  _

**1987:**

It’s been just over a week since two paramedics saved that baby in Texas. 

Something about it has galvanized Paris. Seeing Carla camped out on the couch with snacks watching the baby’s suffering like it was a damn show let him know that he can’t keep subjecting Pearl to this woman. Her energy.

They’re down an end table lamp because Carla shattered it, in a rage over Paris calling her out about where all his money’s ending up. The only saving grace had been that Pearl was playing at the neighbor’s. Took him three rounds with the vacuum cleaner to get all the pieces. Several hours later, he found a piece he’d missed, embedded in the sole of his foot. His sole, streaming blood.

Carla had helped him fix it up. She’d been sweet. Attentive. Gentle. Leaving Paris confused as ever.

And tonight, he came home to Carla screaming at Pearl for spilling her milk on the carpet. To little Pearl, shaking in terror as she tried to clean the mess.

Pearl ran to him, clinging to him, sobbing that she was sorry.

He reassured her, and took over cleaning the mess, which only made Carla madder.

“You’re spoiling her!” Carla snaps as Paris comforts Pearl.

“And you’re terrorizing her,” he responds calmly. “She’s four years old, Carla. She’s a kid. Kids spill.”

“She was messing around, Paris! You weren’t even here, and of course, you’d take her side,” Carla seethes. She throws a dishrag forcefully into the sink. “I’ve got to go to work.”

Paris tries not to scoff. Carla’s got a hair salon she runs out of their downstairs. One chair. One client at a time.

She’ll be busy for 45 minutes to an hour and a half.

A glance at her appointment book shows she’s got a color, not just a haircut. Good. He sets Pearl up on the couch with one of her Little Golden Book videos about Scuffy the Tugboat, and he gets together what he can.

He pulls the notebook out from under the cushion of his recliner, packs a bag with clothes he can grab in a hurry. He stops by Pearl’s room and does the same, packing her school bag with impossibly small nightgowns, socks, shirts and pants. Paris glances around for Grumpy, the Care Bear she always has with her.

He moves through the house quietly, looking in all the usual places: Pearl’s bed, her floor, her closet. Under the kitchen table. In the living room, a cursory glance lets him know that Pearl’s fallen asleep while her movie still plays - now onto a story of three little bears needing an explanation for every scary noise in the night. So much like Pearl, with her curious mind. Paris grabs an afghan off the back of the couch to cover her.

Damn it, where could Grumpy be? She’ll never forgive him if he leaves without it.

As a last ditch effort, Paris heads outside, stowing his own bag in the car. He double checks the back seat. Spies Grumpy there, on the floor of the car.

That’s when he remembers she’s left him in here this afternoon “because he likes looking out the window.” One less thing to grab. He’ll stop off at the bank and see what he can get in a hurry. By now, he knows Carla’s blown through all the cash Paris has tried to hide - in the bottoms of dresser drawers - in his socks - under his side of the mattress. But that don’t matter now.

All that matters is getting Pearl out of here.

Breathless, Paris makes it back inside the house and comes face to face with Carla. She’s got a manila envelope in hand. 

Divorce papers...that he stupidly left on the table for her to find once he was gone.

Paris casts a desperate glance at his watch. She’s only been down there a half an hour with her client. But he should have known that color takes time. That the woman Carla’s working on probably has to sit still with goop on her hair for a good twenty minutes at least. Long enough for Carla to come and investigate all the noise he’s making, walking from room to room...

“What the hell is this?” she asks in a whisper. “You  _ signed _ these, Paris?! You are such an asshole…” Carla seethes, turning suddenly and walking to the kitchen.

Her retreat startles Paris so much that for a few seconds, he’s just there, standing. Tires screech way off in his memory. His parents’ car all smashed. The white car with the brown doors.

Paris blinks, and goes for Pearl, recognizing his chance. He’s almost there. He’s reaching for her now.

But Carla’s faster. She’s slipped between Paris and Pearl before Paris even knows it. It takes him no time at all to register the small paring knife at his sleeping daughter’s throat.

“Carla…” Paris manages, breathless.

“Don’t even try it,” Carla warns in a voice so regular, it chills him. “Don’t you dare come any closer.”

His reaction is all instinct. Paris lets Pearl’s backpack slide off one shoulder and onto the floor. He raises both hands. Surrenders.

“Carla…” he breathes, Paris’s eyes fixed on the knife. How it glints in the living room light. On the television, Theodore Mouse is going to sea. And here, and now, Paris is living in a nightmare. “Whatever you want me to do. I’ll do it. I swear… Just, don’t hurt her. Please.”

“You leave. Just you. Try to take my fucking daughter away from me…” she seethes, still not moving the knife.

“Can I at least say goodbye to her?” Paris asks.

“Why? So she causes a scene?” Carla spits. “No. Leave now. Or else…”

Paris’s eyes never move from the knife at Pearl’s tiny neck - which means in theory - he should have a good long time to stare at her face. To memorize every last detail.

But only the knife registers. Paris backs out the door, his heart pounding.

He stumbles to the car at top speed and peels out of the driveway. He drives around all night, trying to think about what to do. He’d waited as long as he dared, with a view through the screen door, to be sure Carla retreated and put the knife back before Paris pulled out of the drive.

It’s around three in the morning when he finally checks into a hotel in town, and remembers Grumpy, still in the back seat of his car.

He takes the bear with him inside, not willing to risk losing it. He’ll make Carla see reason. She’ll let him give the bear back, and maybe the two of them will still have the chance at some kind of life together.

But two months pass, and Carla’s phone calls are only urging him to come home and play a part he no longer can. 

_ “We can be a family...I wasn’t going to hurt, Pearl, I was just trying to make a point. I’m a passionate person, Paris! And I was angry! Don’t I have the right to be angry?” _

“We ain’t a family, Carla! Not when you threaten our daughter like that! You pulled a knife on our four year old child!”

“ _ That never happened. You’re such a damn liar, Paris. You always have been. Sneaking around… Springing divorce papers on me… _ ” Hearing nothing, Carla changes tacks:  _ “We can make this work… “ _

“Not when you scare her and demean us every damn chance you get. That’s not what family does. I’m through fighting with you about this,” Paris insists, angry. “There ain’t no way in hell we can make anything work. You put Pearl’s life in danger.” 

_ “Oh, you’re not in any danger and neither is she…Pearl is happy as a clam, Paris. She doesn’t even know you’re gone. And if you stay gone, she’s not going to know the difference. So, your choice. You come back and live with us, and we can get back to the life we used to have, or you can stay away and never see your daughter again. But you are not taking my daughter from me.” _

Best let Carla call the shots. Protect Pearl in the way he can. Because if Paris goes back - if he ever sees Pearl again - he knows he’ll have to try and get her out of there. He won’t be able to stop himself. And knowing how far Carla’s already gone, threatening Pearl with that knife, what’s to stop her from going all the way next time?

Still, he’s gotta try.

“You know, if you gotta work or something, I can watch her…” Paris offers, genial. (Please work. There’s gotta be a way to get Pearl out of there.)

_ “Do you think I’m stupid?”  _ Carla sneers. _ “We both know what you tried to do last night when I was working. No. If you see her again, I’m going to be in the room, supervising every minute.” _

And Paris can feel himself deflate. This ain’t gonna work. He’d meant to save them both. He really had. But turns out, he’s just a coward, who only managed to save himself and nearly get Pearl killed in the process.

Pearl’s safer without Paris meddling. He’s got to do whatever he can to keep his baby safe and alive. And if that means disappearing from her life...then that’s what it means.

It’ll break him in half, but he’ll do it. 

He’ll do anything for Pearl.

“Fine. But you give me your word that you’re not gonna harm her,” Paris admits, defeated.

_ “Paris…”  _ Carla laughs a little.  _ “I love her. I’d never dream of it.” _

“Good. And I can see her? Write to her?” Paris presses.

_ “Sure,”  _ Carla says, casually.  _ “You can see her if she asks. If she wants. Go ahead and write to your heart’s content. But I signed the divorce papers. And I got a lawyer. And he’s gonna make damn sure I have sole custody. If you’re not going to be in both of our lives, I’m going to make damn sure she lives with me. Not a workaholic who cares more about saving everybody else, but could give a shit about his own family.” _

“I’m not putting her in the middle of a custody fight, Carla. I just want her safe.”

_ “She is safe. This is the last place she has to worry about safety, Paris. It’s not like I’m ever going to take her away in the middle of the night.” _

“Is she there? Pearl? Can I talk to her?” Paris asks.

_ “No. She’s very upset today. I’m sure you know how that feels...when parents just disappear… I have to admit, I’m surprised you’d inflict that on her…” _ Carla says, her voice soft, couched in a version of sympathy.

“Bye Carla,” he says. 

(When she starts making him doubt his own reality, that’s the time to cut the call short.)

_ “I hope you get the help you need--”  _

Paris hangs up before he can hear the rest of what she says.


	16. Oral Tradition

**2021**

_ So I’m back to using my journal as a means to process my dreams - because for the first time - I dreamed of what might be the day after Dad left. God, I haven’t thought of that day in years. Probably since the first year I met Jesus, Mariana and Fran. _

_ In the dream, I wake up, and I see my Sesame Street backpack on the floor of the living room. It looks round. Full. Not empty like it was. _

_ I feel confused about waking up there. Don’t remember falling asleep, or covering up with the holey afghan. I get up, and put the backpack on, around the front of me, because little me was obsessed with the idea of having a sibling. (Ironic? I think so…) _

_ Anyway, I pretend the bag is my baby for a while. And then I unzip it, fully expecting to find one of my dolls, or grumpy inside, and instead I find...clothes. But I’m convinced there is a baby inside somewhere. So I dig through the bag, tossing everything around the room, and finding nothing. _

_ Disappointed, I get to my feet and looked around for Daddy. He isn’t in his chair, as usual. I feel under the cushion for something, and feel only chair. _

_ I’m alone for a long time, and finally pick up all the clothes and shove them back in the backpack, so I don’t get in trouble, even though I don’t know how my school bag got full of clothes in the first place. _

_ Finally, after I’ve made myself a bowl of dry Rice Krispies and sneaked an orange hi-c to drink, mom is there. _

_ I walk, the quiestest ever, back down the hall toward their room, expecting to see Daddy in there, still sleeping, but he’s not. _

_ “Where’s Daddy?” I must ask it half a dozen times, but Mom ignores me. Watching TV. Talking on the phone. Until I finally catch her in a moment she’s not doing anything. _

_ “Mom, where’s Daddy?” I ask, right in front of her, blocking her TV even. _

_ “He’s gone! And he’s never coming back!” she snaps. _

_ My mind struggles to process this. _

_ I think of Mr. Rogers asking me, his television neighbor, if I see a dead fish in his aquarium. One that isn’t swimming, or moving at all. I did see it. It made me scared to see something dead. I wanted to pretend it was alive, but Mr. Rogers buried it because it was really dead. _

_ He could buy another fish at the pet store. But he could never buy the very same fish again. _

_ Trying to Think about where Daddy is, I feel the dead-fish feeling in my insides. A trembling. _

_ Gone, Mom had said. Never coming back. _

_ “Like _ dead_?” I ask, still with no real concept for the word except this feeling inside me. A grave stillness. A scared feeling so big that it makes me feel like running. Hard and fast and so far. _

_ And with one word, my mother changes my entire world: _

_ “Yes,” she says. And just like that i know. _

_ I know, it’s me and Mom. And the dead-fish feeling will never really go away. _

_ \- Pearl _

Pearl wakes up the day after learning the truth: that Levi had connected with her while Dad was still alive, feeling a rage like she’s never known. Not at Levi, but at her mother.

Her dream had been so vivid - almost lucid - as if she’d traveled backward through time, to inhabit her little self again. It feels like it has all just happened. The loss just this fresh.

Pearl’s phone rings and she picks it up, glad she’d been looking in its direction. It’s still on silent as it is when she sleeps. She sees Dominique’s name.

“Hey…” Pearl greets. “You’re up early,” she can’t help noting the time, knowing it’s two hours earlier for Dominique. And Pearl had managed to sleep just about to 9 AM. Unheard of.

“Yeah, I have to be at work in an hour, but I’m actually ready with time to spare. Thought I’d check in. You okay?” she asks.

“Not even close…” Pearl breathes. “I just dreamed about the day after Dad disappeared from my life. What my mother told me about him...and I’m livid. It’s like I’m feeling it all again. It’s like...I can’t believe she lied...and then Levi...even though it wasn’t for the same reasons...he lied, too. I just feel so… I don’t know. Like, I could have known him, Dominique. Really, truly known him. Like, as an adult. But now, all that’s gone. He’s gone. And I have nothing.”

Dominique just listens, until Pearl trails off. “That’s messed up. It’s grief. And it’s complicated. And I don’t wanna be one of those people claiming I can relate when it’s not the same thing...but I sorta do get the feeling…” she admits, contemplative.

“You do?” Pearl asks.

“The other Avoiders don’t know this...but I lost my Gran… She died when I was missing...and it’s… It’s not the same thing. I know. But I get the anger. Because she was my most favorite person. She lived with us when I was growing up. My mom’s mom. And knowing I could’ve had more time with her? Any more time? It kills me.”

“Right?” Pearl asks, latching onto Dominique’s shared experience.

“I get losing out on knowing our loved ones because of circumstances beyond our control. If I’d just not… Or I guess if _ Brittany _ had just not…” Dominique corrects.

“Right. Not your fault,” Pearl offers gently, glad Dominique’s able to slowly stop blaming herself for things outside of her own control.

“I could’ve known her. I could’ve gotten the chance to say goodbye,” Dominique adds. “But now I never will...and that’s something I gotta live with.”

“It’s just...I am so pissed at my mother. And how can I be so mad at her and so understanding of Levi? That’s exactly the kind of thing she’d call out as a character flaw.”

“How?” Dominique asks.

“Like, I can have understanding for Levi, and what he did but not my own mother,” Pearl fills in.

“But your own mother was an adult,” Dominique points out. “And I don’t know her, but based on my own brief experience with her? Plus all y’all’s accounts of her behavior? Levi is working on himself, and your mom is not. Subjecting yourself to a dangerous person - a willfully damaging person - is never something you have to do in the name of understanding.”

“While Levi did the wrong thing for all the right reasons...and he was still a minor...so that should be taken into account,” Pearl finishes.

“I think so,” Dominique nods. “Anyway, I have to get going. But hang in there, and let us know if you need anything.”

“I will. Thanks, Dominique. And I’m so sorry about your grandmother,” Pearl adds.

“Sorry about your dad, too,” Dominique says. “Talk to you soon.”

By the time she hangs up, Pearl feels strangely better, and also definitely alone.

She takes Cleo for a walk, and tries to enjoy the morning.

**2009**

_ Tonight, I’m sitting close by while Levi takes his bath. Close enough to hear him. The bathroom door wide open. He loves this cartoon from a few years back, Rescue Heroes. There’s a firefighter on there. Name’s Billy Blazes, and sometimes for days, Levi wants me to call him Levi Blazes. He’s busy saving all his toys from drowning in the bathwater just now. _

_ It jogged a memory loose for me: Carla heading up north to that cabin of hers whenever I was busy with work, taking Pearl along. Carla used to love going to that cabin in the woods. Frankly, it always gave me the creeps. And I was worried about the lake being so close, and no fence around the land, to make sure a little one like Pearl was safe. There was one weekend, Pearl came home and she was acting different. “Bad girl,” she kept saying. So I asked her. _

_ “Who told you you were bad?” _

_ “Mama,” she said. _

_ “Why?” I asked. _

_ “I fall in the big water,” Pearl told me, her face serious. _

_ Of course, Carla asked me what the big deal was. She was fine now, wasn’t she. And she knows not to do it again. _

_ Yes, but she also thought she was a bad girl because of it. - Paris, evening._

Paris signs off hurriedly and tucks his trusty notebook into his shirt pocket before calling to his son, just a stone's throw away:

“Levi, are you about done in there, son?” Paris calls as Levi chants “Rescue Heroes” for the billionth time.

No answer.

“Levi Paris,” Paris tries again. “Answer Daddy, please.”

“Say my real name,” Levi says, distracted.

Paris sighs, smiling. “Levi Blazes, are you about done in there?”

“Yup! I’m almost done saving all these people, Captain!” Levi answers.

Trying to wrangle Levi and convince him that now is not the time to be a rescue hero, now is the time to get ready for bed, is futile. The towel around him soon transforms into a cape. He rushes around, bounding from one piece of furniture to another.

“Let’s try to wind down, now,” Paris encourages.

“Why?” Levi asks, bouncing on his bed. “It’s good to have energy, right?”

“Very good, yes. But at bedtime, it’s good to calm down a little,” Paris encourages. Ready to hear Bedtime for Frances?” he asks.

“Is this the same exact book your mom and dad read to you when you were my age?” Levi asks, same as always.

“Not the exact same one… But it has the same pictures in it as mine had. And it has a lot of the same memories as I had when I was a boy.”

“Were you six?” Levi asks, cuddling up next to him.

“I was seven or so… Close to your age,” Paris says, kissing Levi on the head.

They get partway through. (Frances is nervous about the way the curtains are moving in her room.) Levi places a hand over the book. He squints at Paris, thinking.

Paris waits.

“This is why you know all of my excuses for getting out of bed, huh?” Levi asks. “Because Frances had them.”

The next few pages, Levi’s serious about discussing how wrong it is that Frances’s dad will spank her if she doesn’t go to sleep.

“You never spank me, do you?” Levi asks calmly.

“No, I don’t. Hurting kids won’t teach you anything, except to be afraid of parents.”

“Hitting badgers isn’t okay, either, right? The kid ones, or the adult ones?” Levi checks.

“Right,” Paris says.

“She’s a nervous badger, isn’t she?” Levi asks, in that thoughtful way he has.

“She sure is.” Paris agrees.

“I think I’d be nervous, too, if my dad was gonna spank me,” Levi snuggles against Paris’s side. “But you won’t,” he says, not even asking this time.

“No, I won’t. Now, you stay in bed here, and think about all the things you’re curious about. Try to collect as many as you can so you can tell me about them tomorrow. How’s that sound?”

“Good,” Levi yawns.

“Except what if there’s a tiger in my room?” Levi wonders, already nodding off.

“Well, Hagrid’s right here. He’ll make sure no tigers get you,” Paris reassures, kissing Levi good night.

He’s asleep before Paris can turn out the light.

Alone in the living room, Paris gets out his video camera and sets it up on the tripod.

It’s time to do some thinking of his own.

**2021**

Levi’s managed to keep a pretty low profile today. Working until 5:00 helped. County Market was definitely different from SuperOne but it was still a grocery store and he was still on alert, just in case Carla ever decided to change pattern and become a County Market shopper.

Still, it’s not as bad as it was.

The news was on in the break room. Some reference to a firefighter that Levi hasn’t been able to shake. He hadn’t even been tuned in enough to catch the context, just hearing something about a firefighter had been enough to get him thinking even more about Dad. About Pearl, and all the things she doesn’t know about him.

He knows he’s on duty tonight again as Mari and Fran’s safe person while they talk to their moms, but that’s not for four hours. Should be enough time to talk to Pearl about this.

“Hey…” he says, hesitating by the couch with his laptop. “Can I sit down?”

“Of course,” Pearl says, moving aside. She’s been happy, in a fragile kind of way, ever since Levi managed to eat some dinner tonight.

“Can I show you something? About Dad?” Levi asks.

“What is it?” Pearl asks, a little wary.

“Um… When I was thirteen, I interviewed him for my high school history class. It was supposed to be a paper. You know, written out? Handed in? Five to seven pages, typed, double spaced. But I wanted to do the report differently.”

What are you trying to say here, Levi?” Pearl asks, gentle.

“I interviewed Dad on camera...about 9/11. I did the whole interview on camera. And I know you didn’t get to see him in person, or talk to him. But this...was him...you know? And I just wanted you to have the chance to see it if you wanted.”

“Yes,” Pearl says. “But can we pause as we go? Is that okay?” she asks. “Because I may need breaks.”

“Yeah, I might, too.” Levi says, blowing a breath out.

“You’re-- You’re staying?” Pearl asks, in a small voice.

“Yes,” he says simply. “I wanted to share this with you, not show you and walk away… I mean...if that’s okay.”

“It is,” Pearl nods. “It’s very okay.”

“Ready?” Levi asks. And at Pearl’s nod, he takes her hand and types the search words he knows by heart into YouTube.

A still of Dad’s face fills the screen.

Pearl squeezes his hand.

Levi presses play.


	17. Record Keeper

**2021**

**THIRTEEN YEAR OLD LEVI: ** _ [arranges his cell phone and steps away to sit down in a kitchen chair pulled up beside Paris.] _

Pearl reaches out and pauses the video. Not even two seconds in. This might take more than four hours.

“You okay?” he checks.

Her eyes are shining, but she’s smiling.

“I know you said you were thirteen, but I guess I didn’t realize...just how young that is. Look at you,” Pearl almost squeals.

“Yeah, let’s not,” Levi laughs, uncomfortable. “I was so skinny and awkward.”

“Just like your sister,” Pearl fills in.

“And you sound just like Dad,” Levi smiles, swallowing around the lump in his throat. Knowing there had been another West out there, just as gangly as him had been a comfort.

**PARIS: ** _ [gets comfortable in a recliner in the Wests living room] _

**LEVI: ** _ So just, try to ignore the camera… _

Levi pauses again, long enough to cover his face with his one free hand. “Oh God. My voice hadn’t even changed yet. Kids used to really hassle me for that…”

“For a natural stage in your development?” Pearl asks.

“I was thirteen in a class full of tenth graders,” Levi reminds. “All of them had been through puberty.”

“Still, that’s not your fault.” Pearl tries to breathe. “I am so nervous right now. Dad’s right there. It’s like...seeing his ghost or something, even though I know he was obviously alive…”

“You wanna hear him?” Levi asks.

“So much…” Pearl manages.

Levi hits play again.

**PARIS: ** _ It’s not a camera, it’s your phone. _

**LEVI: ** _ Okay, but that’s the way technology is now, Dad. _

**PARIS: ** _ Well, if I can’t look at your phone, where in the hell should I look? [laughs] _

**LEVI: ** _ Just look at me. Pretend we’re just having a normal conversation. _

**PARIS: ** _ Right. A normal conversation for the YouTube. _

**LEVI:** _ Dad. It’s not  _ the _ YouTube. It’s just YouTube. _

**PARIS: ** _ Fine. Today it’s Paris-Tube. How’d you like that? _

A laugh explodes out of Pearl, and Levi jumps.

“Oh my God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. Just...the YouTube…” Pearl snorts. “I love him.”

“He was so corny.” Levi nods.

“Are you okay?” Pearl asks, sympathetic.

“Yeah,” Levi nods squeezing her hand. “I thought it was gonna be hard...and it is...but it’s also...I don’t know. This is just how I remember him. So it’s kinda comforting I guess. Play?” he asks.

“Play,” Pearl nods.

**LEVI:** _ [laughs] Okay. Seriously, Dad, can we be serious for a second?  _

**PARIS: ** _ Sure. _

**LEVI: ** _ So, you know I have this assignment for school. History class. We have to talk to somebody who has what they call ‘lucid memories’ of 9/11. So, not like anybody who was a small child. And I know I asked before we started but...are you still cool if I ask you some questions about it? _

**PARIS: ** _ Yes. _ _ You’ve gotta do your school project, son. _

**LEVI: ** _ Technically, I’m supposed to write about it. Like, a paper. But I think it’s important people put a face to it, you know? _

**PARIS: ** _ Humanize it. _

“That’s just exactly what you said,” Pearl breathes. “And it sounds like Dad got that…”

“I think he did, yeah…” Levi nods.

**LEVI: ** _ I guess, yeah. So...before we started this whole recording thing...I asked you to pick which questions you’d feel most comfortable answering. So those are the ones I’m gonna ask. We can cut anytime. We can scrap the whole thing. I can take an F. I don’t care. _

**PARIS: ** _ I appreciate your heart, son. It’s in the right place, but by God, this is second grade all over again. You failing school ain’t gonna help me. ...But talking about it just might...so let’s get to it… _

Pearl pauses the interview. Turns to Levi. “Can I ask? What happened in second grade?”

“Oh...gosh… Okay… So, basically that was the first year I totally shut down when we had a 9/11 related school assignment. You know, from the emails that Dad really struggled with it...and so...I just refused to work.”

“Why, though?” Pearl asks, confused. “I feel like I’m missing something.”

“He was just...really close to it,” Levi admits. “I can’t really talk about it…”

“Okay...I’m still confused as to why your teacher would even give a 9/11-related assignment to second graders. But I suppose I don’t have a frame of reference for that, being that I was out of high school by that time…” Pearl muses.

“So...you were at home?” Levi asks carefully.

“Yes...and now that I think back about the day...I think my mom might have been concerned about Dad going out there...which makes no sense to me, but I won’t pretend to understand her logic. I had no idea at the time that’s who she was talking about. I was so single-minded about what had happened to me that I asked if she was talking about Jared. She snapped at me that of course she wasn’t. I’m sorry. I...try not to discuss her.”

“But that’s not really fair, is it?” Levi asks. “ _ I _ talk about  _ my _ mom. You should get to talk about yours.”

“But are you okay?” Pearl presses.

“It’s...weird,” Levi admits. “But not bad.”

“Okay,” Levi nods.

Pearl presses play again:

**LEVI: ** _ How old were you? [here, LEVI flashes a piece of paper at PARIS] Is that right? If you don’t wanna say your age? _

**PARIS:** _ [laughs; coughs] I’ll say my age! I was 48. _

**LEVI: ** _ And...where were you? _

**PARIS: ** _ Living in Brainerd, Minnesota at the time and working as a paramedic. _

**LEVI: ** _ What were you doing at the time? Not the job, just...in life. _

**PARIS: ** _ I had just written a letter I was fixing to mail… Figured I’d try one more time to contact your sister. Seeing as she was eighteen, maybe she’d’ve been able to get in touch. It’d been three months, and so far, nothing.  _

Pearl’s heart drops hearing Dad mention her. She would have remembered if any one of the letters she got from Grandma Hughes from Dad were dated that day. None were. She has several of the letters, but Pearl gets a sinking feeling now that they may just be a fraction of what he actually sent.

Eventually, Pearl realizes that Levi has pressed pause. That he’s looking at her.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t remember, but he mentions you. I think at least one other time,” Levi apologizes, sympathetic.

Pearl blinks back tears. “I hate thinking that Dad thought I was intentionally not contacting him. I had no idea he was alive… I just… I didn’t know.”

“The whole time I knew him? He never blamed you for anything. Even there, he was hoping you’d have  _ been able  _ to get in touch. Since you hadn’t...I think he assumed you couldn’t.”

Pearl grabs a Kleenex and blows her nose loudly. Cleo licks her face. Panther, who came to investigate the second she heard Dad’s voice is transfixed, staring at Levi’s laptop.

“I’m sorry… Sorry I’m such a mess… It just caught me a little off guard. I’m okay,” she reassures. “Play.”

He does:

**LEVI: ** _ How did you learn about it? _

**PARIS: ** _ Same as most everybody else who wasn’t right in it, I expect. I turned on the television, watched the news, and after about five minutes? The first plane hit. _

“Weird,” Pearl breathes. “That’s almost exactly what I was doing. How I found out. Just watching TV…”

**LEVI: ** _ [shocked and stunned; tries to process this] What did you think at first? _

**PARIS: ** _ Well, at first I thought a number of things, you know? Denial’s powerful. So I thought, you know… Mechanical failure. Maybe the pilot had a heart attack… But then the second plane hit, and that’s when I figured… _

**LEVI: ** _ How did you react? Like, what did you do? _

**PARIS: ** _ I’m a firefighter, son. I knew they’d be on scene and I knew they’d need all the help they could get. So, I got in my car, and I started driving. _

**LEVI: ** _ Wait. You  _ drove _ to New York? _

“He  _ drove _ to New York?” Pearl asks, in the same breath as younger Levi, pausing the video again. “Wait...I thought this was just for a school project. Like, I interviewed my grandmother about being a teenager in the 1950s. Or my great-grandfather about The Depression. But...you’re saying he was  _ there _ ?” Pearl gasps, trying to process this.

“Yeah...he… I’m sorry. It’s something I’ve always grown up knowing - that he was there afterward - but it’s not really something I talk about. His pain...it’s...personal.” Levi ventures.

“So, my mother was right to suspect that he’d go out there…” Pearl nods to herself, her mind still reeling. “Sorry. It’s so hard to know when to trust what she says and when to be skeptical…”

“Makes sense,” Levi nods. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I wasn’t trying to be deliberately dishonest. It’s one of those things I don’t even think about...because I’ve always known it…and also I just...wasn’t ready...”

“It’s okay,” Pearl reassures. “God, no wonder he hated September.”

She reaches over and presses play again:

**PARIS: ** _ Airports were closed, Levi. There was no way in Sam Hill I was going to get on a plane… _

“That’s right,” Pearl remembers, thinking back. “They were closed...for at least a day or two...and that’s when it got...even harder to go out. Because anybody who wasn’t white-presenting was automatically looked at with suspicion…”

“Yeah and the airport security checks are still a thing I deal with every time I travel. I get picked. I don’t like it, but it’s always just been the way life is.” Levi sighs.

He presses play at Pearl’s nod:

**LEVI: ** _ Right. Yeah, that makes sense. So, how long did it take you to get there? _

**PARIS: ** _ Right about three days. Stayed for about a week. _

**LEVI: ** _ Like...physically… How did you react?  _

**PARIS: ** _ Driving out there, or? _

**LEVI: ** _ Whenever you want to say… _

“You’re so respectful,” Pearl says, pausing again, and turning to Levi. “You don’t push Dad for information. I love that. So often, school projects are given to us, and we’re kinda made to feel they’re the be-all-end-all. That we need all the answers to every question. But you really care. That shows.”

“Thanks,” Levi says, a little uncomfortable as Pearl presses play again:

**PARIS: ** _ Well, driving out there, I was pretty numb. I was glued to the radio, but it’s not the same as seeing it. Without the visual, it’d be near impossible to picture, especially without a grasp of...the scope of it. I guess. _

**LEVI: ** _ Emotionally? _

**PARIS: ** _ Well, emotionally...I was devastated. But I was devastated before this all happened, because of not being able to connect with your sister. Because of messing things up so badly in my relationship with her. In a way, this galvanized me. Pushed me forward. Got me out of my own head. I was focused on saving people I could save...instead of beating myself up about the one I couldn’t. _

An ugly sob escapes Pearl, unchecked. “God… You didn’t mess anything up, Dad.”

Levi pauses the video. He’s not sure what to do. So he just stays put.

“What did he mean? About not being able to save me?” Pearl asks.

“I’m not sure. That was one thing he never discussed. When I turned sixteen, I asked him...like...what’s the worst thing she’s ever done? Carla? I was getting ready to tell him what happened to me. And he said he wasn’t comfortable talking to me about it. And since he seemed convinced that I’d been safe sitting outside on the steps (which was where he left me), I always figured maybe the worst thing had to do with you.”

Pearl shudders. “I hate not knowing… I wish…”

“I wish, too,” Levi says, sympathetic. “Are you okay to keep going?”

Pearl nods.

Again, Levi presses play:

**LEVI: ** _ [gently] Dad, I’m pretty sure she forgives you… [awkward pause] _ _ You said you were scared to get on a plane. Were you scared...I don’t know, just in general? _

Again, Pearl pauses, unable to control her sobbing, which just got to passable levels. She leans into him. “Thank you for telling him that. I’d never want him to blame himself…” Pearl manages.

“You’re welcome,” Levi says, startled. “I just figured,” he says, easing an arm around Pearl’s back, “That we had this in common: We’re his kids. And knowing that I’d hate to see him sad about something...no matter what it was...I’d forgive him. I know I was mad at him a long time for not knowing. But I think there was a reason I never told him.”

“Because you knew he’d blame himself.” Pearl fills, blowing her nose again. “Do you want some hot chocolate? Or tea? Or maybe chocolate coffee?” she asks, thinking of the recipe cards taped on the inside of their mug cabinet door. “I’m not quite ready to hear how scared Dad was yet,” Pearl admits.

Levi thinks back to the previous conversation they had. About not withholding information, or shutting down. “I’m scared that you...won’t wanna watch the rest...because he talked about you.”

“Levi, of course I want to watch the rest. I just want to pace myself. Strong emotional reactions are okay for me to have, but they’re also a signal. Take a break. Do some self-soothing.” Pearl elaborates.

“I don’t care for anything. Thanks, though,” Levi says.

Pearl stays busy in the kitchen making hot chocolate. 

Tentatively, Levi calls from the living room: “Did you...not wanna talk about me almost telling Dad?” he asks.

Pearl pops her head around the wall in the kitchen. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cut you off. What did you want to say about it?”

“Just...did that make sense to you… Why I did it? Or do you think it was me being a brat?” Levi asks.

“I definitely think it makes sense and I don’t think you were being a brat,” Pearl says. She walks out slowly, carrying two cups. One is her hot chocolate. Levi’s not sure what’s in the second until she hands it to him.

“Root beer float?” he asks.

“I remember you saying, back when we were watching  _ Moana _ together at Frank’s cabin...that it’s like Dad’s here if there’s a root beer float. Thought it might be comforting.”

Now, it’s Levi’s turn to blink back tears. “It is, yeah. Thank you.”

They sip their drinks in silence, until Pearl hesitantly reaches out and presses play, to bring Dad back to life:

**PARIS: ** _ You bet I was. Nobody knew what was happening. There was no template for this. People were using Pearl Harbor quotes to describe it, and that was well before I was even born. Nobody had seen this. Not in my lifetime anyway. _

**LEVI: ** _ What images stick in your mind still...if you wanna say? _

**PARIS: ** _ [Silent a moment, thinking] It’s more sounds…. [staring past LEVI here; distant] More sounds...and smells. The ash...it covered damn near everything… Can we…? Next question? _

Pearl can feel the dead fish feeling bloom inside her again, seeing Dad like this. Somehow, it had never occurred to her before yesterday that Dad might’ve had trauma of his own. She’s seen this exact same look on Levi’s face. On her own face. Distant. Blank.

**LEVI: ** _ [refers to notes; a bit shaken] Uh… You want to describe the tone of the country that day? _ __   
  


**PARIS:** _ I’d say...that day...that week...even on through October...if I had to use one word, I’d say somber. I know some folks would say patriotic. But..for me...patriotism...there’s almost a...an element of celebration in that word. And there was nothing to celebrate. Missing posters… God, honey, there were so many missing… Firehouses in New York missing six or eight of their people, and just expected to carry on. Keep working. _

**LEVI: ** _ [hurt] Wait. Isn’t there like...I don’t know...grief-leave? For them to have for their friends? _

**PARIS: ** _ But how long do you hold out hope, son? _

**LEVI: ** _ [determined; almost indignant]  _ I’d  _ never stop. If it were you? I’d never stop hoping… _

Pearl pauses here for the millionth time. 

“Do you think I’m a horrible human being because I just took her word for it, and accepted that Dad had died when I was a kid? I mean, she never actually  _ said _ the  _ word _ .  _ I _ did. She just agreed with me.”

“What?” Levi asks, struggling to follow where Pearl’s going.

“I just mean, here you and Dad are talking about holding out hope. How you’d never stop looking. Hoping that he was alive. And I just swallowed what I was told as if it was fact. I never held out any hope…” Pearl remembers.

“Because you weren’t allowed to, probably,” Levi ventures. “It doesn’t make you horrible. It just means you survived something that was. She shouldn’t have lied to you. I shouldn’t have either.”

“I know...it’s just...sometimes, I feel like a horrible daughter…” she admits.

“He used a lot of words about you over the years, but never those…” Levi tells her. “Only talked about how smart you were. Things you’d say. How you were a fast runner like him; like me. He only had good memories of you, Pearl, trust me.”

Instead of being able to acknowledge this, Pearl reaches over and presses play again:

**PARIS: ** _ [blinks back tears] I know that. But this was an emergency like the country had never seen. It was massive and it was ongoing. And as first responders, it was our duty to be there. To show up. We cannot lie down when tragedy hits, or we’d never move again. That’s why those folks came to work every day. Understand? _

**LEVI: ** _ Yes, sir. _

**PARIS: ** _ Ready to move on? _

**LEVI: ** _ Well, you answered my next question already, about the days and weeks following...so… How did your personal life change after 9/11? _

**PARIS: ** _ Everything changed. I moved. Reconnected with your mother. Had you.  _

**LEVI: ** _ [carefully] Those are great positive things. But...anything negative you wanna include? People are gonna hear this. What do you want them to know? Kids my age. Maybe adults who weren’t there, who don’t get what it was like? _

**PARIS: ** _ People don’t wanna consider the physical toll. The mental toll this took on people. I’ve got major lung damage. Asthma. I’ve got Post Traumatic Stress, even though I ain’t never been to war. I wake up thinking about it. I go to sleep thinking about it. While I’m sleeping, I dream about it. Nightmares. Vivid as hell.  _

“I didn’t know this about him…” Pearl breathes. I mean, I sort of got a hint of it, what with the emails, but I haven’t really been able to reread them in detail yet. I just...honestly I never even knew what he did for a living growing up. I asked about him for a school project of my own, and she got really defensive and insisted on taking all the credit for raising me as a single parent.”

“I...don’t want this to sound how I’m afraid it might…” Levi ventures, pressing pause. “But...it kinda helps me...knowing that we’re not alone even just in our family with trauma. Knowing Dad dealt with it, too? Helps me feel less...weird, I guess,” Levi admits. “Did you ever...I don’t know...see anyone?”

“Once,” Pearl allows. “Right after it happened I went to the school guidance counselor, and...tried to discuss it. She just pushed. It wasn’t helpful,” Pearl admits.

She reaches over, and presses play again:

**PARIS: ** _ One night our smoke alarm went off when you were a baby. Nothing terrible. But I was up out of bed, I grabbed you out of the crib and was fixing to break the bedroom window before your mother talked some sense into me. Turned out she’d been up to feed you and before she went back to bed, she made toast and fell back asleep before it popped. _

**LEVI: ** _ [winces] Oooh. She burnt the toast? And you were about to...what...bust the window out, carrying a baby? _

**PARIS:** _I was gonna do whatever I had to do to get us out. Luckily, your mom managed to get to me before I broke our bedroom window in January… [coughs]_

**LEVI: ** _ Yeah, I’m glad. That would’ve been cold. But I’m sorry. That happened. _

**PARIS: ** _ I know. _

**LEVI:** _ Okay, last question. How do you feel now when you think about 9/11? _

**PARIS: ** _ Feels selfish to personalize it. But I suppose I feel...grief? A lot of grief and loss and… I feel emptiness. I feel numb. Because of the senselessness of it. _

Pearl can’t stop herself from pausing one more time. 

“He seems so sad here. So hopeless. Do you know why?” Pearl asks, carefully. “I mean, I know, obviously it was traumatic...but this seems deeper… I can’t put my finger on why…”

“Oh. I think this is another thing we haven’t ever really discussed…” Levi hesitates and then plunges ahead. “Being out there. Breathing in all the...bad air is what he used to call it when I was a kid...but, that’s what caused his asthma. And his PTSD. And one exacerbated the other, kinda in a circle. So he could never really get a handle on it. No one knew what kinds of chemicals were in that air, just that a ton of the first responders were suddenly being diagnosed with rare cancers, lung diseases, heart things. He knew it was eventually gonna be what took his life,” Levi blinks back tears. “And it did.”

“I’m so sorry,” Pearl breathes. “So sorry I had no idea.”

“It’s not your fault,” Levi wipes his eyes. “You wanna finish? It’s almost done.”

“Sure,” Pearl nods, and presses play:

**LEVI: ** _ Thank you for talking to me, Dad. _

**PARIS: ** _ [clearing his throat] My pleasure, son. It’s always my pleasure. And I love you. _

**LEVI: ** _ [laughs] Okay. I love you, too, Dad. [LEVI steps over, his hand covers the screen.] _

One last time, Levi pauses and turns to Pearl. “Dad always thought this was all there was to the project, but part of the assignment was to talk about what we learned in doing it. So I actually have another little bit recorded at the end. I didn’t show him this part. It always kinda made me embarrassed.”

He’s struck that both of them are trying to keep it together for each other.

“Are you okay sharing it with me?” Pearl asks. “I won’t embarrass you,” she promises.

“I think so,” Levi nods. He presses play:

**LEVI: ** _ [Now in his bedroom, sets his phone on a nearby surface. He’s in a desk chair.] Talking to my Dad about 9/11 was hard. I actually kinda resented this assignment. History isn’t always old and distant, just some event we read about in school. Sometimes, it lives with us. In us. In people we love. _

_ It made me feel bad to ask my dad questions that had him reliving the worst day of his life for a grade. But like you saw...he’s a very generous and kind person. And he always is the first person to try and help someone else. _

_ I did not learn anything new about my Dad as a person. His character has always been clear to me. I learned details of his life and how he felt on a certain day, that feel kinda like reading his personal journal. I feel weird about sharing this publicly, but Dad wants it shared. _

_ I like the idea that someday in the future, people will get to see this and see him, and hear the kind of person he was...maybe even after he isn’t here anymore. _

Pearl wipes her eyes. “I love you so much…” she manages. “Thank you for sharing this with me. Can I hug you?”

He nods, choked up, too. “Thanks for watching it with me...and thanks for the root beer float. It helped,” Levi says, realizing now that while he watched the rest of the interview, he had managed to drink it all.

It still makes him feel like Dad’s really close by.

And maybe he is.

And who is Levi to argue?


	18. Memory

**2021**

Levi’s favorite thing about Fridays is their run. He secretly makes sure he can get it into his schedule before work, even if that means getting up earlier than usual.

Running with Pearl feels good. It’s like a conversation without words, which Levi so needs to be able to have sometimes. (Especially in November.)

He loves being able to count on the same things happening, even Friday morning to early afternoon. He and Pearl silently putting on their running shoes. Their jackets. Hats. Scarves. Gloves. She even puts a pink sweater on Panther, with green stripes and a pink flower. She has a matching head-warmer thing that looks like a giant leg-warmer. Cleo has an all-in-one grey sweater with an attached hat. The hat has a pom on top and she looks ridiculously adorable.

Levi’s had many dogs in his life, and he’s never dressed them for winter like this….but he guesses if Dad had access to homemade dog clothes, he might have dressed the dogs up...assuming Mom would have said okay...and assuming Vader would have put up with it.

“Ready to go?” Pearl asks.

Levi nods. “You’ll stay with me, right?” he checks. “Same pace?”

“Yes. Assuming we’re not racing, I’ll keep pace with you,” Pearl answers. “Will you stay with me?”

“Of course.  _ Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten _ ,” Levi quotes. “That’s from Lilo and  _ Stitch _ , by the way. Which you should so see.”

“Is that why you called yourself StitchFix?” Pearl asks, amused. “It really had nothing to do with knitting, then…”

“No. Just Disney movies,” Levi answers.

They open the door and go out. The air is cold but not brutal. Still, it’s a good thing Panther has extra layers. She’s a skinny dog. Levi pours himself into this run - the exertion of it - the opportunity to just be and breathe and enjoy the nature.

Still, a little snow melting here. A little melting there, turns soil into mud, and that has a way of dragging him back through time like nothing else. To the day when he caught Dad getting ready to meet Pearl, and begged to come along...

**2012**

_ I’m trying not to get my hopes up. But I let Carla know I was in town and asked if Pearl was around. She said she was. She’d be at the house. Hearing this, of course, Levi’s begged to come along. He can’t stop talking about getting to meet his sister. I hope like hell he’s not disappointed. - Paris, morning. _

“Now…” Paris says, pulling in front of the old, familiar house, and feeling the ghosts of the past too close at hand. “I want you to stay with Daddy, you understand?”

“Yes, sir. I’ll do whatever you say,” Levi promises.

“That’s a good boy. So you stay right next to me,” Paris urges as they walk up the drive, hand in hand. 

“I’m eight, so Pearl’s 28, right? How come she still lives with her mom?” Levi asks.

“Well...if I had the choice of where I’d wanna live, I’d definitely wanna live with my parents,” Paris admits.

Levi considers this. “That’s true. I always wanna live with you and Mama.”

“I want you to be prepared, son. Pearl might not be happy to see us. It’s been a long time. And she might just remember that I left and be upset about that part.” Paris warns.

“I don’t want her to be mad at you,” Levi worries.

“Well, don’t you worry. I can handle Pearl’s mad. And she has a right to whatever feelings she’s got,” Paris explains.

Levi sighs. “ _ Okay, she’s  _ your _ baby,”  _ he intones skeptical, just like Terk, the gorilla, from  _ Tarzan _ , the Disney film.

Paris can’t help but smile a little, in spite of his nerves. “That’s right, she is. And so are you.” He clears his throat. Raises his fist, and knocks, before he can think better of it.

When Carla opens the door, he’s surprised to see her looking so...well...so much older. She’s dressed in pink - some satiny thing - and the house smells like fresh peanut butter cookies.

“Paris. Who’s this?” Carla asks, her smile frozen in place.

“This is Levi. He asked to come along. He wanted to meet Pearl. Hope that’s alright.”

“Hey,” Carla greets Levi, her voice falsely bright. “You wanna go into the kitchen and have some cookies, while Paris and I talk?”

Levi casts a glance at Paris, for the okay and Paris nods at him. “One cookie’s enough, though.”

“You take as many as you want,” Carla whispers to Levi when she thinks Paris isn’t watching.

He gets settled on the couch, glancing around. No pictures of Pearl. No sign another person is even living here. “So… Where is she?” 

“Pearl?” Carla asks like this is all new information. “I told her you were coming and she just...left.”

“What do you take me for?” Paris asks, getting to his feet.

“What are you talking about?” Carla asks, like he’s the one making all the fuss for no reason.

“She’s not here. Again. You gave me your word, Carla.”

“I can’t help what she does, Paris. She’s 28 years old. She’s an adult. I told her you were coming, and she left. Not my problem.” 

Paris is spitting mad and just about to tell Levi they’re going when his cell phone rings.

“Is this Paris West?” an unfamiliar voice asks. 

“Yes, it is,” he says. Paris is too busy keeping an eye on Levi. Shaking his head at him to let him know he better not try stuffing cookies in his pockets.

“This is Stacie at Essentia Health - St. Joseph’s Medical Center in Brainerd. Your wife, Nia? She was just admitted to our emergency room. You were listed as her emergency contact.”

“What happened?” Paris manages.

“There was a robbery at her mother’s house. She’s been admitted, too. Audra Major? They’re pretty beat up. Do you have someone who can drive you?”

“No, I can drive myself… St. Joseph’s you said?” Paris asks, knowing it only as the hospital where Pearl was born back in the 80s.

“That’s right.”

“I’ll be right there.”

He hangs up and turns to his son:

“Come on, Levi. We gotta go. I gotta drop you off at your cousin’s and check on Mom. The alarm’s going off at Grandma Major’s.” The lie slides out of his mouth with Paris hardly realizing it was coming. But he can’t tell his little boy that his mother and grandmother have been attacked.

Levi’s at the door, already, and Paris follows, as fast as he can, down the stairs. Despite all the seconds ticking by, Levi is still shoeless.

“Levi, hustle, bud. We gotta go,” Paris urges.

“I can watch him,” Carla offers. “Paris, you can go, check things out, and come back here to pick Levi up. We’ll find his shoe in the meantime.”

“No, I can’t impose on you…” Paris denies, wanting to soften this blow, this rejection, to save Levi and himself any harm of a big scene.

But no matter how hard Levi looks...no matter how hard Paris looks...he’s still missing a shoe. And Paris can’t help but think of his own parents’ accident years ago. If they’d been alive. If there’d been any chance to see them, he would have gone. And what if Nia and Audra get worse while he’s driving? The hospital’s five minutes away, less if he hurries.

“Paris, I’ve been a mother for 28 years…” Carla tries again.

“I’ll be back in five minutes.” Five is pushing it, but he has to get to Nia. Levi will be better off waiting here, a little bored, than being traumatized seeing his mom in some kind of terrible shape. He’ll be okay here for just a few minutes. Nia, on the other hand, Paris isn’t so sure of. “You be out front. Shoes on.”

“I’ll come!” Levi insists.

“You stay here. I’ll make sure Mom’s fine, and I’ll come right back and get you. Alright. Listen to Carla. Don’t be underfoot.”

“Okay.” Levi pouts.

Paris drives by Audra’s and instantly sees the cop cars in the driveway. The shattered side window. He makes the short drive to the hospital in half the time. He tells the receptionist who it is he’s looking for, and they direct him.

Paris’s first look at Nia has his chest tightening. His airway constricting. My God… She’s beaten all about the face. Hands are torn up. Doc says she has cracked ribs that should heal on their own.

But Paris ain’t so sure he’s gonna make it out of the emergency room without being a patient in it.

Sure enough, he’s admitted, and it takes time to get his breathing under control. Nia’s close by. She holds his hand. “I’ll be just fine. I can go get Levi from Nadine’s…” she offers, thinking, of course that he’s off playing with his cousins.

“I’ll get him,” Paris reassures. “Don’t wanna scare him...with all those bruises. Let me figure out...what to...tell him first.”

“Fine,” Nia winces. “Somebody ought to stay with my mom anyway. But you better get over to Nadine’s now that you’re feeling better.”

“Love you,” Paris tells her, leaning over to give her a kiss and secure his ancient NO SWEAT hat back on his head. (He’d been hoping Pearl might remember it, but it seems that he’ll have to wait even longer to see if reconnection is ever possible. Or maybe, he should just leave her alone.)

When Paris arrives back at Carla’s Levi’s sitting obediently on the steps, just like he was told, both shoes on now. Paris’s heart breaks a little at the idea that Levi’s sat out here the whole time.

“Hey,” Paris greets as Levi gets up and runs to him, plastering himself to Paris’s side.

“Where were you?” Levi asks.

“I had to go check on Mom. She’s a little banged up. And so is Grandma. Mom should be home soon, and we can visit Grandma before we go back home.”

Paris opens the door to call inside: “I’m taking him home.”

“Yup,” Carla calls back.

“Bye to you, too,” Paris says under his breath.

“Can we go now?” Levi asks, quietly.

“Sure. What do you say we stop off for a bite to eat? You hungry?”

Levi shrugs.

Paris is pretty sure Levi’s grumpiness is due to being left all by his lonesome on that step for two hours. He’ll just have to be patient.

He drives them to a local cafe where he orders pancakes and gets Levi an omelet, which he just picks at.

“You tired?” Paris tries again as Levi lays his head down on the table.

Levi shrugs again.

“It’s gonna be okay. Mama and Grandma are fighters,” Paris reassures his son. “We’re all going to be just fine.”

**2021**

_ I feel like we may have turned a corner in our brother-sister relationship. Ever since watching that video of Dad, something’s shifted between us. It feels almost as if a wall has come down - or started to. We still don’t discuss him much, but it feels like we can now. _

_ It’s still November and that still makes things complex. But we had a good run this afternoon and then Levi went to work and I stayed home and worked on PK stuff. Seems like I get more orders every year. Not a bad problem to have, but I’m only one person and it’s a lot to do. PLus, I have to make sure I don’t make too much money...annoying. _

_ Anyway, tonight’s support group and it’s very needed. Running through the woods - even in broad daylight - sometimes trips up my trauma. I remember back then so viscerally. I wonder, does Levi, too? _

_ -Pearl _

By 8:35 PM, they’ve all gathered around their laptops and tablets for support group. Quickly, Pearl updates Char and Pav about recent happenings, so they won’t be in the dark for the majority of this conversation. Jesus, Mariana and Dominique are all curious about how Pearl and Levi are faring since the big reveal two days ago.

Has it only been two days? Two lifetimes might be more accurate.

“I’m doing okay,” Pearl offers first. “I think it’s good...actually…” She glances at Levi. “Can I tell them about yesterday?”

“Yeah,” Levi nods.

“Yesterday, Levi showed me an interview he did with Dad for a project at school, and it was...really cool. I don’t mean cool. I mean, touching. Amazing. Just everything.”

“Is this the first time you’ve gotten to see him since…” Char ventures, eyes bright. Pearl knows that she had an unbelievably close relationship with her own father.

“Since I was four,” Pearl fills in. “I loved seeing him. Getting to hear his voice. Some things were different, like you said, Levi. But it was mostly just...wow.”

“Are you sure you’re cool with it?” Jesus asks. “Not that you shouldn’t be...just...it was a lot to find out, and now you’re just...happy.”

“And?” Pearl asks.

“And...are you sure you’re not...shoving things down?” Jesus asks.

“Because I should be mad?” Pearl asks. “I  _ am _ mad, Jesus. But I’m placing the blame where it belongs. With my mother. If she’d been honest with me from the beginning, I might’ve been able to know Dad…”

“And if that happened... _ I _ might not be here…” Levi ventures. “So…”

“Levi...I didn’t mean…” Pearl starts.

“I know,” he reassures. “And I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t have had the chance to know Dad, because obviously you should’ve. It’s just weird.”

“Our siblings feel that…” Mariana offers. “That if what happened to Jesus hadn’t happened, our family might’ve just stayed the three of us: Brandon, Jesus and me.”

“That’s weird,” Jesus echoes.

“The thing is? Families are rarely planned…” Pav offers. “The planners are the exceptions, I think. Most of us are here more by accident than design. A lot of family is happenstance.”

“Or it’s how it always should have been…” Dominique ventures. “I’m not saying that the awful things were meant. But Levi, Fran and your other two siblings? Maybe all of you were meant to be in the families you’re in.”

“I like that…” Levi comments quietly. “I just...was thinking earlier, I guess, about the day Dad and I came to try to see you, Pearl. The mud, it just…”

“I know,” Pearl nods. “The woods. I was thinking back, too… But what did you want to say?”

“I don’t know,” Levi admits. “It’s just so hard having like one solid idea of Dad being great and amazing and everything I wanna be in a dad someday, and then...knowing he dropped the ball. At least two major times.”

“You two are the ball,” Char reminds, deadpan.

“Right,” Pearl nods. “But like we’ve been saying, Dad’s not just one thing. Even our memories of him. Because he wasn’t one-dimensional. He did mess up sometimes. Even the most well-meaning among us do.”

“I know…” Levi sighs. “Oh, Mari. Has Rosa checked in?”

“Not yet...but counseling is...better than nothing I guess.” she admits. “I like her. My person.”

“That’s awesome,” Levi says. “I’m glad.”

“How’s it going for you and Fran? I know I was kinda distracted last night, after watching the Dad interview.”

“Not great. Thank God for having backup though. I think that’s really helping.” Mari admits. “How are you, Jesus?”

“Yes, how are you?” Pearl asks. “I seem to remember that you’re not necessarily a fan of the winter months either.”

“I’m not,” he answers. “Just...I can’t really talk about it yet. Somebody else go? Dom?”

“My parents wanna do a whole thing for Thanksgiving. My dad wants to invite, like, everybody we know. So that includes Mariana, Jesus and Fran, but I said I doubt y’all’s moms would be on board with that…”

“Maybe not…” Mariana answers.

“Aw, I wanna come to your house for Thanksgiving,” Pearl says, smiling but filled with regret at Minnesota being so far away.

“ _ I _ don’t,” Levi admits softly. “I went to a friend’s house before...and…” he trails off.

“I’m not really going to go anywhere, Levi. I was just saying, the idea sounded cozy.”

“Well, it sounds like anxiety to me,” Levi manages. “No disrespect to Michael,” he says to Dom.

“None taken. What about you, Pav? Char?”

Pearl tries to tune in as her friends talk, but her attention keeps drifting back to Levi. Instead of isolating himself, maybe for the first time, he’s leaning into Pearl for reassurance as he tries to keep his composure.

“I don’t want to lose more family on Thanksgiving,” he whispers.

“You won’t,” she whispers back. “Because I’m not leaving you. I’m staying right here.”


	19. Recital

**2021**

_ It’s been a week since my last update. Time seems to be both crawling and flying simultaneously. Only 9 more days until Levi and I have to figure out how to get through the toughest day of his life together. At least, today, we get to run again… Something redeeming about Fridays anyway. Well, that and support group. _

_ -Pearl _

“I don’t really feel like running today…” Levi admits.

“Oh?” Pearl asks. “Do you think it’s one of those things, like, you might feel better if you’re able to actually do it? Do you need me to nudge you toward it, or we could just hang out here, instead?’

“Stay here. Please,” Levi says. He’s clutching a tube of pizza Pringles and an orange Sunkist. Pearl’s just happy he’s eating anything.

“Of course,” Pearl nods.

“Could I...I know you offered it a long time ago, but...could I maybe use your swing?” Levi asks.

“Oh. Yes. It’s really cool,” Pearl enthuses, blowing her nose. The run being cancelled today might be for the best actually, since her sinuses seem to be rebelling. She stands up and walks to the corner, pulling back the curtain.

He gets settled, hesitant, like most are their first time. But she can see the moment Levi knows he can trust it. His whole body relaxes.

“I can pull this closed? It has the best purple LED lights,” Pearl gestures to the curtain. “You can see them best in the dark.”

“Okay,” Levi nods. “Do that.”

Pearl adjusts the curtain, pulling it so that Levi’s completely obscured behind it and turning off the lights.

She goes and sits on the couch. “I’m still nearby. Just on the couch,” she says.

“Okay,” Levi calls back, quiet. “You’re not disappointed in me, are you? For not wanting to run with you?”

“No, not at all,” Pearl reassures. “Can I tell you something Dad-related? And can you try not to hate me?”

“I don’t know if I could ever hate you, no matter what,” Levi says.

“Sometimes...I don’t miss Dad. It’s not like I’m happy he’s not here...but more like...I’m used to him not being here? So, it just feels normal. It’s felt normal to me for so long...that even now...even over the last week or so...I’ll forget. I forget to miss him.”

“Well, yeah…” Levi comments quietly. “Why wouldn’t you? You’ve spent most of your life believing he was. For me, it’s new...raw…”

\--

Levi swallows and hopes Pearl doesn’t comment, even if she can hear the fact that all his words are swollen with emotion. That tears are rolling down his face. He blames the swing. God, he hasn’t been held like this...maybe since before they stopped at Carla’s to see Pearl...and she wasn’t there.

“I was thinking about it again…” Levi admits, sniffling.

“Yeah?” Pearl asks, even though she doesn’t have context.

“About when we stopped to see you...last week, when we ran...there was all the mud...and…”

“And it’s triggering,” Pearl comments, sympathetic. “I was triggered too, then.”

“You were?” Levi asks, surprised. “Why don’t we talk about it?”

“I don’t know,” Pearl answers. “Maybe because we each were so alone when our traumas happened? That we’re used to isolating? I’m sorry, though… That you were triggered by the mud. Is that why you needed to Swiffer that afternoon again?”

“I guess,” Levi manages.

“Levi, it’s okay,” Pearl says, and he can hear the compassion in her voice, but he’s glad she’s not right here. Glad he can stare at purple lights. That she can be just a voice in the darkness.

“Do you have things like that?” he asks.

“Well, the woods…” Pearl begins. “I can’t wear a watch, which I guess is fine, since they’re basically obsolete now, but...even the SuperOne uniform some days…” Pearl trails off, and Levi keeps his focus on the lights in front of him, trying to get himself together, but failing. “Clocks sometimes, though. I can get hung up looking at them… Dissociate.”

“Would you need me to help? Or just...let you?” Levi wonders, wishing he had Pearl’s facility with words.

“I mean, I’d prefer not to be in that state. And Cleo’s usually good at getting my attention. But if you want...you can say my name...ask if I’m okay…”

“Okay.” Levi answers.

“What about you? Did I handle last week alright?” Pearl asks.

“Well, you didn’t freak out, and tell Jesus I clean too much…” Levi ventures. “So, that was good. And I appreciate that. It’s just...there is something? But I don’t wanna tell you what to do…”

“I asked,” Pearl reminds him gently.

“If I get worried about the floors, and if it’s really no big deal…could  _ you _ ?”

“Could I…?” Pearl asks, confused.

“Swiffer? It’s just that...she… I mean, I didn’t remember this at first but...she made me help her clean, I think.”

“I’m sorry,” Pearl apologizes. “I can definitely Swiffer if I notice you’re anxious about mud being tracked in. And if...if you get to it first… Can I just reassure you that you’re not in trouble and ask for the Swiffer? Tell you I’ll take care of it?”

“Yeah…” Levi answers, surprised. “I mean, if it’s all true…”

“It is,” Pearl reassures.

“Pearl?” Levi asks.

“Yes?” she answers, sounding a little choked up herself.

“I don’t hate you,” Levi says.

“And I would never hurt you,” Pearl reassures for the millionth time. 

Doesn’t matter, though. Levi always needs to hear it.

\--

Jesus knows that Pearl and Levi are really going through it. He also knows he kinda has a monopoly on trauma and triggers. Most of the Avoiders have had to take a backseat to his own trauma at one time or another. Which is why he’s kinda made more of an effort to be there for them. To not make everything about him and his trauma.

But yesterday...shit.

He knows the Avoiders would get it. They would. Specifically the ones in support group. But yesterday was as close to actual hell as he’d experienced in a while. And it didn’t look the same as usual either, which freaked Jesus out. He just basically shut down and stayed in bed all day.

Actually, he remembered one other time this happened: New Years Day, 2015 after he thought he saw Him at the news coverage of the ball drop in Times Square. It hadn’t made sense, but his body hadn’t really cared about that. The next day, he couldn’t move. Lena had to help...it was back when he could kinda trust her.

This time, he had Dudley, nudging and barking. Howling. God, he’d been annoying. But it got Jesus out of bed. It forced him to at least impersonate a functioning human being until he can actually be one again.

It’s still an effort.

But at least support group’s coming. Everybody’s kinda on time. Levi looks fragile, Mari looks happy, Dom, too. Pav and Char look tired. He wonders which of them he should check in with first.

“...yeah, Rosa called on Monday…” Mari’s saying. “...so good to talk to her… ...once, I got to tell her about therapy going well… I know, right?”

“Jesus?” Pearl asks. “You okay? You look kinda faraway…”

“Yeah, I’m…” he says, almost on his way to saying he’s okay, when Dudley headbutts him lightly. “Fine, Dudley. Jeez. No, I’m not. I’ve been triggered since yesterday. It’s bad.”

“Need to talk about it?” Char asks.

“Kinda? But I know Pearl and Levi are having a hell of a time, and Dom has had a lot of the same crap I’ve had and worse, and I don’t wanna trigger Mari or you or Pav…”

“You could ask us…” Mariana suggests gently. “Are we fine with hearing whatever?”

Jesus feels his ears get hot. He feels called out and embarrassed as hell. Stupid as hell. “Is it okay…” he mumbles, head down. “If I talk about a thing that happened right after I got away...but before I was home?”

He waits. Agonizing seconds pass as everyone consents. By now, Jesus wants to dissolve into the floor. He wants to just say forget all about it, but Dudley’s making a huge deal under the desk, whining.

“What’s going on?” Pearl asks, concerned.

“Yesterday...it was kinda the anniversary of the day that He killed Himself in prison…or jail...or wherever” Jesus shares, not looking at any of them. 

“Damn,” Char says. After a pause, she checks, “Mixed feelings?”

“No. That’s the thing. Zero mixed feelings. I feel everything I felt the day I found out...just...weirdass strong betrayal, because I wanted Him to suffer at least as much hell as He made  _ me _ suffer, but He only made it a month before he like…” Jesus’s nose burns. His throat closes up with tears. “I just felt like He won. And I still feel that…”

“That’s okay,” Mariana interjects softly.

“And I’m sorry, Mari, that this is yet another thing that you didn’t know about because it was when you were all living with Grandma and Grandpa…” Jesus wipes his eyes.

“ _ I’m _ sorry you had to go through it alone,” Mariana responds, welling up, too.

“God…” Dominique shivers. “What a horrible thing to learn surrounded by adults…”

“Thanks,” Jesus says. “Yeah, it wasn’t great. It’s just...there’s this whole other piece that I haven’t really ever connected...until yesterday. And I know we all know I’m slow on picking things up…” Jesus admits, unable to keep his negative self-talk at bay.

“Jesus,” Mariana says, regretful. “We don’t think that.”

“But you corrected me, just now… Like, saying I could ask if all of you were okay hearing about the thing. And I know I could. Obviously. There’s a reason I didn’t.” Jesus manages.

“I didn’t mean that you were stupid…” Mariana insists. “I just meant that...we wanna help. But I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Jesus nods. 

“What’s the other part?” Levi asks, finally speaking for the first time.

Jesus sighs and then takes in a deep breath. “The other part is...I had to consent to an...exam...that Stef didn’t even bother to stay for...that I insisted on being awake for…” he trails off. “And I’m just now realizing...it was for absolutely nothing. I had another mega trauma for no reason at all, no parent support, nothing, and it was for no reason. And I just feel...like… I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry…” Dominique breathes, surprising him. But maybe he should have figured she’d be the first. Maybe she knows what it’s like. At least a little.

“You shouldn’t have had to go through that,” Pearl says, firm.

“I can’t believe your mom didn’t stay…” Levi manages. “I mean...I guess I can, but still…”

“ _ I _ would have,” Mariana offers, brave. “If I’d been there. I wouldn’t have left you alone.”

“I know,” Jesus nods. “And I appreciate it, I just…”

“It sucks,” Char says, and Jesus appreciates how she just puts the truth out there.

“It really does,” Pav nods. “And I wish you hadn’t gone through that at all. I wish none of it happened to you. Wish you got to grow up with your family the whole time. Dominique, too.”

“Thank you,” Jesus manages. “I’m sorry. I’m just a wreck. How are you guys, Pearl and Levi?”

“We’re...okay, I think…” Pearl ventures. “A little fragile, speaking for myself.”

“Me, too,” Levi admits. “And triggered… But I used the swing for the first time…”

Jesus brightens. “Yeah? How was it?”

“It...kinda broke me…” Levi admits. “But in a good way.”

“Glad it was in a good way, at least…” Dominique adds. “Need to talk about anything, Wests?”

They look at each other and shake their heads. “We talked to each other. We’re good. But it helps to know you’re here. Helps to be here. To know we’re not alone,” Pearl admits.

“And Jesus if you need anything else...I’ve got your back...Brovoider style,” Levi grins a little.

“Thanks, man. That actually helps a lot. Let us know if you need anything on Thursday. Or Sunday.”

“We’ll try…” Pearl nods.

“Love you guys,” Jesus says. And the screen goes dark as one by one, they leave and go out to face the world again.


	20. Annual

**2021**

_ Well, it’s here: The day Levi and I have both dreaded. (Listen to me, I can’t even name it...And to think, the real anniversary is coming in just days. I’m not sure how we’ll cope. I know Levi said that he’s not sure what he wants to do today, and he feels a lot of pressure to know what to do, but I don’t know what to do, either. Is calling Nia appropriate? I’m sure Levi will. She’s his only surviving family apart from me. I wonder if we’ll go to her house? Stay here? Oh, I hate not knowing what to expect.  _

_ -Pearl _

Somehow, Pearl nods off again after taking Cleo out at 4 AM, and by 6:00 she hears all kinds of banging in the kitchen and dog nails aplenty on the kitchen floor. She groans, stretching.

“Morning,” she calls, barely able to open her eyes. “What are we doing?”

“Don’t you have a 9-inch pie pan?” Levi calls, coming around the corner. 

He’s dressed in sweats and her newest love: a purple apron with a fox red lab on the bottom front. The text above reads:  _ EVERY MEAL YOU MAKE, EVERY BITE YOU TAKE, I’LL BE WATCHING YOU.  _ It had been a gift from Char, in honor of Gracie, and Pearl hasn’t been able to wear it. But somehow, on Levi, with his love of dogs, it just makes sense.

“You found my Gracie apron…” Pearl points out, still bleary eyed. 

“Oh. Is it okay? I didn’t mean…” Levi hesitates, nervous.

“I don’t mind. It suits you. I feel like you and Gracie would have gotten along well…” Pearl reassures.

“So...9-inch pie pan?” he asks again, practically bouncing.

“Did you get any sleep?” Pearl asks, getting up off the couch and going to the kitchen, opening cupboard doors until she finds her single pie pan. She hopes it’s nine inches. She’s never actually measured it. (Doesn’t think she’s ever actually  _ used _ it…)

“Yes! Thank you,” Levi says, taking the pie plate from Pearl. Then, he goes to town, preheating the oven and melting butter in a pan on the stove.

“Yes, you got sleep?” Pearl presses gently.

“Some…” he qualifies. “God, I need to make this right. I don’t wanna wake Mom up and ask her…”

“You’re making...apple pie?” Pearl guesses, glancing at eight apples all lined up with various other ingredients. “At 6 AM?” she asks.

“Yes,” Levi answers, distracted.

“May I help?” Pearl asks.

Levi turns to her, startled. “You want to?”

Pearl ties on her only other apron - the one that reads  _ Baker’s Gonna Bake _ \- and steps up beside Levi. “What do you need me to do?”

They prepare the pie side by side, Pearl working on the filling and Levi focused on the pastry. Honestly, any food at all Levi shows an interest in is a good sign. And Pearl’s happy to help him bake it.

Levi’s rolling out the dough when he comments quietly: “It’s the last thing we did together. Thanksgiving morning… Mom and Dad...they knew I had plans...with Cheyanne actually. Dinner with her family. Then Black Friday shopping. So - I don’t know how she did it - maybe bought the stuff - but there was a whole Thanksgiving spread when I came downstairs to breakfast. Dad was at the table. We had ours right then. Mom was furious because she had all this food, and Dad and me both only had any interest in the apple pie. The recipe was passed down from his great grandmother - the one you’re named for? Evangeline?”

“Wait. I’m named after Dad’s apple pie loving great grandma? Seriously? I think you told me what my name meant back when all the Avoiders were here, and that Dad loved the name, but I don’t remember the detail about his grandma…”

“ _ Great _ -grandma,” Levi specifies. “You know he lived with her for a bit? As a kid?”

“Hmm….” Pearl considers. “No, I didn’t. He must’ve loved her a lot.”

“I think so,” Levi nods.

**1961**

Paris begged and begged to get his way, and finally, it worked. Lonnie’s convinced. They’re gonna go to Granny Evie’s for Thanksgiving. It’s a short drive, and Lonnie says she’s so used to the bus boycott that she’d rather drive her own car.

(Even though Paris can see her knuckles go tight around the wheel when she drives.)

When they get inside Granny Evie’s house, it smells just the same as it always did, but better. Like pie and turkey and stuffing mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese. He kisses Granny Evie on the cheek and she kisses him.

“My goodness, Paris! I swear you’ve grown since the summer!” Granny Evie says.

“You can measure me,” he offers magnanimously. “But after I eat. Just in case I grow more.” Then, Paris jets out to the living room, to turn on the parade. There’s a car and a spaceship. Even Popeye and Bullwinkle!

He begs to keep the television on while they eat, but Granny says no. And when she says no, that’s that.

“Now how are you kids doing?” Granny asks piling Paris’s plate with more food than he’ll ever be able to eat. He plans to eat as much as he can, though. Hopes they can take some home with them. Only if Granny offers, Lonnie had said. So Paris keeps praying she  _ will _ offer. It’ll be like keeping a piece of Granny with them even when they’re back home.

“Oh, we’re fine,” Lonnie reassures, but even Paris knows she’s tired. When Paris is at school, she cleans other people’s houses. And some of those people ain’t very nice.

“Paris, how’s school going? You know all your times tables now?” Granny asks.

“Yes, ma’am. Through twelve!” Paris beams.

“My goodness!” Granny says and laughs. “My grandbabies are so smart!”

Paris feels proud. Like the pride makes him grow even taller. He doesn’t eat that much real food. He saves room for Granny’s apple pie.

Always the best part.

She serves it to him warm, with a scoop of cold ice cream.

It really is his favorite thing to eat. Because it makes him forget about the bad stuff, and feel like Mommy and Daddy are still here. Maybe their spirits get pie in heaven.

Paris sure hopes so.

**2014**

_ Hey, it’s Levi. Since there’s nothing else to do in the car, I thought I’d get a head start on homework. The journal seems easiest. The reason Mom, Dad and I are in the car is because we’re going to Birmingham, where my dad’s from. I get to meet his sister for the very first time. I’m kinda nervous to meet new people. I always feel weird and say the wrong thing. But Dad let me know she’s family so it’ll basically be like meeting a girl version of him. (That’s weird. I can’t picture a girl version of him.) In good news, Dad says they have the best Thanksgiving food ever there. I can’t wait to try it all. Mom and Dad don’t even mind. They say I need to eat. - Levi _

Levi doesn’t say it in the journal entry, but he really wishes they could fly instead of drive for three days. The flight would be a lot shorter - only two and a half hours. But he knows ever since 9/11, Dad is scared to fly anywhere.

The thing is...Levi would actually really like to. But not if it means scaring Dad. So he tries to make the best of the drive, watching movies and playing video games in the back while Mom and Dad take turns driving.

Finally, on Thursday afternoon, they pull up in front of a house.

It’s big, and there are about a thousand cars parked out front. Levi sticks close to Dad, going up the walk. Mom’s carrying the pie they brought all the way from Denver. Levi has no idea how it’s gonna taste, or if pie can even keep in a cooler.

They get up the front steps and the door swings open. 

“Oh my God!” a woman screams. (She really does look like if Dad turned into a girl.) Next, she’s laughing and crying and has her arms around Dad, like she’s not sure he’s real. “Perry, I can’t believe you made it!”

Levi smirks at Mom, and she whispers, “Hush now,” in his ear, but her lips are twitching, too. She’s blinking back tears.

“Now, this doesn’t look like Pearl to me, but it could be my old age,” she says squinting behind her glasses.

“Nope. This here’s my son, Levi. My wife Nia. Pearl...uh...she couldn’t make it,” Dad introduces. Then, he turns to Levi. “This is your auntie Lonnie.”

“Are you really my dad’s older sister?” Levi asks. “Like Pearl’s  _ my _ older sister?”

“You bet I am! Come on in here. Say hello to all these folks!” Lonnie invites after squeezing the life out of Levi.

Turns out practically everybody in Birmingham knows Auntie Lonnie, because it seems like all of them have shown up to her house for Thanksgiving. “Not everybody has a place to go, you know? Not everybody’s got a mama and a daddy, or a family to go home to. So they know they’re welcome here.”

“Cool,” Levi says. And it is. There’s some family. Some cousins and their kids Levi’s just meeting for the first time. The Macy’s Parade is on in the background. Chicken noodle soup is on the stove, along with so many other foods Levi doesn’t know where to look.

They say a prayer and then dig in. Levi eats more than he’s eaten ever. When Mom brings out the pie, Auntie Lonnie gets a little misty in her eyes.

When she tastes it, she starts full-out crying. “Oh, Nia, how on earth did you do this?”

“Nia!” Dad exclaims. “You don’t think I can bake a pie?”

“I think you can  _ burn _ a pie,” Auntie Lonnie jokes.

“Remember when you burned our eggs?” Levi asks.

“Hush,” Dad says, but he’s smiling. “We don’t have to tell Daddy’s whole neighborhood about the damn eggs now.”

“Oh, yes, we do,” Auntie Lonnie says, grinning now. “Go on and tell it, Levi.”

So Levi does, with Mom and Dad jumping in to add parts he forgets. The whole rest of the day, Levi runs around outside with cousins and new friends - all the other kids who came over are pretty cool. And some are even his own age. 

They play Sardines - like reverse hide and seek - where one person hides and the rest look for the hider. When someone finds them, they quietly join, until a group of them are hiding together and only one person is left searching. Levi does not want to be that person.

Luckily, he’s very good at being quiet and he finds a group of kids ducked down in a little space between some trees and Auntie Lonnie’s back step. Scrunched in with all these kids, trying not to giggle, he feels like he truly belongs somewhere. These kids all just accept him as Auntie Lonnie’s nephew - and in fact - it kinda makes him cooler.

The game lasts for hours. When Dad finally finds them accidentally because he’s looking for Levi, it’s the best moment, because Dad just quietly joins this group of kids and hides with them.

Dad puts his arm around Levi. Levi opens his mouth to say, “This is the best Thanksgiving ever,” but no words come.

But Dad doesn’t even seem to mind at all, he just whsipers in Levi’s ear: “ _ Gobble gobble _ ,” and it takes all of Levi’s self control not to start laughing, and give away their hiding spot.

Finally, the last kid finds them, and Levi and Dad step out from the crowded little space.

“You okay?” Levi checks.

And Dad’s eyes are bright. “You bet. Felt just like a kid again.”

**1986**

Paris knows it’s gonna be a stretch. Lonnie had been to their wedding four years ago in September, but since then, she made no secret of the fact that she did not like Carla. Nowadays, Paris can’t say he blames Lonnie. He’s beginning to see the side to Carla that Lonnie spotted the first time they met.

But he doesn’t have the means to go out on his own with Pearl yet. Has to lay low for a while. Try not to take offense at every single offensive thing Carla’s family does.

For instance, Paris thought it was just a fluke, them bringing out their firearms that first Thanksgiving, two months after the wedding. But no. Seems it’s tradition. Even with three year old Pearl around, no one seems to mind. Hell, the cousins are into it. All older. All boys. Pearl sticks close to Paris.

The entire Thanksgiving meal is dominated by comments that make Paris’s teeth clench. He wishes to God that he’d thought better than to bring Pearl and invite Lonnie here. They don’t even have the good sense to have pie just some kind of salad with marshmallows for dessert.

“Daddy, is that a real gun?” Pearl asks, eyes wide, as one of Carla’s brothers shows off his new purchase. Nobody’s aiming them at anybody, but they’re not being particularly careful, either.

“Can we put the guns away?” Paris asks, keeping his voice calm. “Pearl’s right here. I wanna set a good example.”

“So, you’re saying my family sets a bad example for our daughter?” Carla asks, defensive. “Nice, Paris. You know what?”

Lonnie’s barely moved since the guns came out. Paris has got to get them out of here. “Come on, Pearl,” he says, lifting her into his arms. “Lonnie,” he says, nodding. “We’ll catch up with y’all later,” he says over his shoulder, as all three make a quick escape.

He stops for pie for the three of them at a local diner. It don’t hold a candle to Granny Evie’s apple pie, but it’s something. Pearl keeps opening her mouth for more, and he keeps giving her bites.

“Not so long ago that was you,” Lonnie says, relaxing the slightest bit. 

“What are you talking about?” Paris asks, laughing. 

“You, insisting on having some of Mama’s pie cooling on the windowsill. You carried on so loud, I was sure she heard you. Gave you a bite of pie so you’d pipe down,” Lonnie fills in, smiling a little at the memory.

Pearl giggles.

“I can’t keep coming back here, Paris,” Lonnie says, apologetic. “I love you, and I love Pearl, but I cannot abide putting myself in that kind of danger…” She lowers her voice. “You need to take this child and get out of here while you can.”

“Lonnie, I know that. Alright? Don’t you think I know that? Problem is, money don’t grow on trees, does it?”

“--Cookie Monster has a cookie tree!” Pearl interjects. “He does. For real,” she nods.

“I know, honey,” Paris comments quietly. “That’s good. Real good.” Now, to Lonnie. “I’m doing the best I can. I just need a little more time. Please tell me I won’t lose you, too.”

“Paris, there were multiple guns in careless hands today. I am not careless, and I am not about to risk my safety again. Now, I love you. But I cannot do this,” Lonnie says and gets up. She kisses Pearl goodbye. “Bye, baby.”

“I’m not asking you to. London,” Paris calls softly.

“You and Pearl come by my place sometime, when you’ve come to your senses. In the meantime, don’t you think about inviting me back to that godforsaken place.” Lonnie says, and then she’s out the door.

“Daddy, Auntie Lonnie didn’t like those guns,” Pearl observes, serious.

“I know. I didn’t like them either. Guns in careless hands can hurt people real bad,” he sighs. “Looks like it’s just you and me, Peanut. Wanna go see  _ An American Tail _ ?”

“Yay!” Pearl cheers. “That’s a great idea, Daddy!” she gets up on her knees in the booth, and presses a kiss to his cheek.

**2021**

_ Hi, Pearl and Levi, this is Fran. I miss you guys and I wanted to send you this Polo to say Happy Siblingsgiving! That’s what we’re having here. Moms aren’t too happy, but Jesus decided to have a quiet version of Thanksgiving at his house, and whoever wanted to join could join. _

_ So, we’re all wearing comfy clothes and eating non holidayish food. Dr. H. even said it was okay to do things different from our family. So we are.  _

\--

_ Another Polo to say that hi. And also I wanted to show you our oven. Zooming in on the oven. Can you see? There’s brownies baking inside. Mmm. I wish there was such a thing as Smellovision so you could smell it. So good. _

_ \-- _

_ Last Polo (I think). Here is the turkey Jesus and I colored in the paper! Mariana helped, too. Doesn’t it look beautiful? Also, I’m sorry about your dad. I hope you guys aren’t too sad on Thanksgiving. If you are sad, I understand. And you don’t have to pretend to be happy, okay? You can be however you are and I still wanna be your friend. Both of your friend. We’re gonna watch Frozen 2! You guys should watch it there, so it’s like we’re all together. Okay, bye. _

**1965**

Thanksgiving is not the same with church friends as it was with Granny Evie. Church friends don’t know that Paris likes to watch the parade on television. Won’t even allow the television on.

It’s not worth it.

If it wasn’t for Granny Evie’s pie, Paris would leave.

“Just ‘cause you’re twelve now doesn’t mean you need to be rude,” Lonnie reprimands like she’s real grown, and not only twenty-two. “Sit up. Greet our guests. At least pretend,” she hisses. “These folks are how we stayed alive after Mama and Daddy…”

That has Paris pulling a smile out from nowhere. He remembers those awful nights, going to bed without enough food. Remembers Granny Evie’s leftovers from four years ago and just how long they stretched them for.

When a church lady comments how nice Paris looks, he says, “Thank you, ma’am,” and hopes his parents see. 

Hopes they’re proud of him.

**1971**

“Lonnie,” Paris says, putting his arms around his sister. “I gotta talk to you about something.”

“Talk to me while you’re cooking, Perry. I need your help. It’s the Thanksgiving potluck, and nobody signed up to bring the turkey.”

“I...think this might be the last church Thanksgiving for me…” Paris ventures. “I gotta think about my career now that I’ve graduated.”

“You’re eighteen,” Lonnie says. “You got your whole life to think about a career.”

“Lonnie. I gotta make my own way here. It’s what Mama and Daddy would want.”

His big sister wipes her eyes. “Fine, but none of Granny’s pie for you.”

“What?” Paris asks, wounded. “It’s Granny’s pie! It ain’t Thanksgiving without  _ Granny’s pie _ !”

“You said you’re fixing to leave me,” Lonnie says, half serious. Serious enough to blink back tears.

“Not today, or anything…” Paris amends.

“Promise me you’ll stay in touch?” Lonnie asks.

“Promise,” Paris swears.

“Fine. You can have some pie. Now help me with this turkey,” Lonnie insists, and Paris sets the bird into the sink.

“I ain’t touching its insides…” Paris warns, shuddering.

“And I didn’t ask you to, did I?” Lonnie laughs.

As long as Lonnie’s back is turned, Paris edges his way toward the counter where Granny’s apple pie is resting. He reaches for it - maybe he can just get a taste of the crust...

“Paris Leonard West, you best keep your fingers outta that pie…” Lonnie says, and he knows. Caught red-handed.

**1959**

“But Mama...ain’t the turkeys sad on Thanksgiving?” Paris asks.

“What do you mean?” Mama asks, carrying their big old turkey all cooked to the table.

“Daddy said President Eisenhower  _ ate _ the turkey…” Paris protests. “He didn’t let it live like he was supposed to.”

“Well, lots of white folks ain’t doing what they supposed to these days…” Mama remarks.

“The turkeys probably miss their families,” Lonnie points out. “But maybe they don’t know what happened to them. Maybe it’s for the best,” she says, giving Paris a squeeze.

“What’s this now?” Daddy asks, newspaper in hand.

“Perry’s upset that Eisenhower ate the turkey,” Mama says pointedly to Daddy. “Maybe you oughta stop reading our  _ six-year-old _ the news.”

“He read it,” Daddy says. “I didn’t tell him. He read it right off the page.”

“I can read now,” Paris grins. 

They sit down to eat. And Paris eats everything...but the turkey.

**2021**

Pearl steps up to Nia’s door, checking behind her to be sure Levi’s juggling the pie and Panther, while she’s got Cleo.

Nia opens the door, and her face brightens. “I didn’t know y’all were coming by!”

“Thought you could use some company…” Pearl greets, coming in to hug her.

“...And some pie…” Levi adds.

“I’m so embarrassed. I wasn’t planning to celebrate today, so I’m afraid I don’t have anything else.”

“Who says we’re gonna eat anything else?” Levi says, with a soft smile. He sets down the pie on the table and hugs his mom. “Are you okay?”

“No. Are you?” Nia asks him.

“Not really,” Levi admits. “I mean, it helped staying busy making the pie, but…”

“Right,” she nods. “It helps seeing y’all, but...nothing’s really gonna change the day, is it? Put your coats in the back room. I think I have some ice cream around. We can have some of this pie.”

Pearl keeps busy getting bowls and slicing pie, and trying to keep the dogs out of it. “You know, this house is so peaceful?” she offers. “My Thanksgivings growing up were very jarring. Loud. Where I always felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, even though I was the quietest person there.”

“Well, we were a more lively bunch when Paris was around,” Nia offers. “Louder.”

“Right,” Pearl nods. “I just mean, I always feel welcome here. As opposed to other times. Other family.”

“Well, you are always welcome here, honey.”

“Where’s Levi?” Pearl asks.

“Oh, he’s out casing the movies. Best go join him before he picks that  _ Avatar  _ business.”

“Your mom doesn’t want you to pick  _ Avatar _ …” Pearl confides, joining Levi in the living room.

“Mom, I can teach you Na’vi. You, too, Pearl. Then, you’d really get the nuances.”

“I prefer my movies in English, son,” Nia laughs.

Pearl’s taking in the shelves and shelves of movies - many she recognizes from her childhood, when the sight of one makes her breath catch in her throat.

“Oh my God, you guys have  _ An American Tail _ ? I think I watched that with Dad….I was...I must’ve been four maybe? Three? I don’t know. But I remember sitting in the dark theater, just us. And he and I sang  _ Somewhere Out There _ together. We weren’t good singers, neither of us, but it didn’t matter. I don’t think I’ve thought of that memory since. Or seen the movie.”

Levi looks at Nia. They have a silent conversation with their eyes.

“Do you want to?” Levi asks.

“Can we?” Pearl asks, feeling every inch the girl she was back in the movie theater. Salty popcorn, buttery fingers, preferring Daddy’s lap to her own big movie chair.

“We’d love to, sweetie,” Nia tells her.

“Will you sing along?” Pearl asks.

“You know we will,” Levi says, putting an arm around Pearl.

She slides the movie in Nia’s old VCR. Presses play and settles in with her apple pie and ice cream, Levi on one side, Nia on his other side.

It feels nothing like Pearl feared this day would feel. She imagined it full of sadness and longing and instead, her brother and chosen-mother have selflessly given a piece of her childhood back to her. And a piece of Dad, along with it.

It’s almost cozy. And nearly perfect.

**1996**

Paris has nowhere to go for Thanksgiving, but that’s nothing new. Ever since he’d sworn off seeing Carla’s family, he’s had to figure out other plans. Mostly, he helped out with the soup kitchen.

He still can’t cook, but he can’t mess anything up serving others food that’s already made.

Nia Major’s there when he turns up, running the whole thing and telling him where they need him to be. Hours pass by in a flurry. Paris sneaks the little kids extra cookies when no one is watching.

Finally, when everybody else is gone, Nia stays to clean up. Paris wouldn’t feel right leaving her here with the huge job all alone. So he stays too. It’s later than late when they finish up. Just one table still out, with a couple of chairs. He goes by the coffee pot and pours two cups.

“Care to join me?” he invites.

Nia smiles, in a way that lights up her whole face. That relaxes her. She does join him. They discuss their Bible study. The most recent sermon. Then they turn to more personal matters.

“And how’s Pearl?” Nia asks. (Paris loves her for still asking.)

“Still haven’t heard anything, but I’m not giving up hope,” Paris says. “She’s thirteen now. God, I can’t believe it’s been almost ten years since I’ve seen her.”

“A friend of mine saw her in the library the other day. Pam? She works as the librarian? Said a Pearl West came through with a giant stack of books.”

Paris feels his insides lift. “Really? How’d she seem? Was she okay?”

“Pam said she seemed...busy. Had a school project going on and a deadline. Very focused.”

“She’s always been smart…” Paris ventures, wistful. “God, I miss her…” He trails off, thinking, but shakes himself out of it to ask. “And how’s Vader doing?”

“Vader is in timeout. Got into the damn Raisinets and nearly got himself killed,” Nia shakes her head. 

“But he’s gonna be alright?” Paris checks. Nia loves that hellhound.

“Oh, he’s gonna be fine,” she sips her tepid coffee. “Happy Thanksgiving, Paris.”

“Happy Thanksgiving to you,” he tells her, smiling a little.

**1984**

It’s a rare good day. 

Pearl’s napped and happy as could be. Carla’s got all the food on the table. “I don’t wanna do a whole-family thing this year. I think it should just be us.”

“Sounds good to me,” Paris agrees, he boosts Pearl - almost a year and a half now - higher on his hip. “Sound good to you, baby girl?”

Pearl giggles and presses her whole mouth to the side of his face, trying for a kiss.

“Sounds good to Pearl, honey,” Paris calls, laughing.

“Call the newspapers! We’re all in agreement!” Carla says, her tone light. Happy, as she rescues the chicken, where it’s been sitting in the oven on low heat to keep it warm.

“You didn’t have to get me a chicken…” Paris says, struck by her thoughtfulness.

“Well, you said you don’t like turkey, because it makes you fall asleep. I don’t like turkey because it’s a pain to make. Why not get a ready-made chicken at the grocery store? Make it easier on ourselves?” She grins and they lean toward each other. Kiss.

Pearl slobbers on both of them. Grins when they look at her, like they forgot she was there.

“Seems like just yesterday we were dating,” Carla muses.

“Time flies,” Paris agrees. He gets Pearl all set in her high chair and helps Carla bring the rest of the food to the table.

They take turns spoon-feeding Pearl bites of mashed potatoes. Bits of chicken. Tiny pieces of green bean casserole. Finally, it’s pie time. 

Paris looks around. “Where’s the pie?” he asks.

“Oh, it’s there on the counter.”

He looks. A grocery-store bought pumpkin pie. Damn. But Carla had tried. She’d done so much, even got Paris a damn Thanksgiving chicken. 

They’d have apple pie next year.

Paris would make sure of it.

He gives Pearl a bite and she makes a face.

“Don’t think Pearl’s a fan of pumpkin, baby,” Paris offers, apologetic.

Carla laughs and rushes for the camera, while Paris gives Pearl kisses and more mashed potatoes to take the pumpkin taste away.

Their faces are pressed together, and Pearl caresses Paris’s face with a potatoey hand. They’re both smiling at each other.

Carla snaps a picture.

**2003**

“You know he’s gonna get this dirty the second we give him anything to eat, right?” Paris asks eyeballing the brand new shirt, slacks and baby tie Nia’s got five-month-old Levi in.

“He’ll wear a bib. It’ll be fine,” Nia reassures, finally settling down at the table. “He’s just having rice cereal anyway.”

“No,” Paris complains as if she said  _ he _ were having rice cereal. “It’s Levi’s first Thanksgiving. He can’t have rice cereal on Thanksgiving. It ain’t right.”

“He’s five months old, Paris. Trust me, he’ll be fine. He won’t remember a thing,” Nia reassures.

“ _ I’ll _ remember,” Paris mutters, indignant. And when Nia’s not looking, Paris offers baby Levi (who’s been whining, kicking his legs and rotating his wrists like he’s fixing to take off) a bite of sweet potatoes.

Just like that, Levi grins.

“You like that, just wait ‘til you try some of Granny’s apple pie,” he gestures to it, cooling on the table.

Then, because he can’t resist, Paris sticks his fork in it, sneaking a taste.

God, it still tastes so good. Nia’s the only one who can make it just like Granny.

And she never forgets.

It’s one of the things he loves most about her.


	21. Life

**2021**

_ Dad - _

_ We made your great grandma Evangeline’s apple pie for Thanksgiving. Mom said we did good, but I wish we could’ve heard your thoughts. You’re the one who knows how it’s really meant to taste. Anyway, I kinda feel like I already did this grief anniversary thing, but now the real day is here. I’m not sure how to feel, except that I know I haven’t slept much….and I need to talk to Pearl. Love, Levi _

Levi closes his journal. Pearl told him on Thanksgiving that she’s been using hers to occasionally talk to Dad. She said it was helpful, so Levi figured, why not give it a shot.

Panther whines at Levi’s door. “You sure you don’t want some food, girl?” he asks, wiping his eyes.

(Say what you want about animals...but they grieve. Being around all the sadness has taken Panther’s appetite. Levi would be more worried but he remembers after everything, how Panther didn’t eat for three days.) As long as she can eat soon, and keeps drinking water, Levi will try not to get too concerned.)

“You wanna go see Pearl?” Levi whispers.

Panther lets out the tiniest yip she can and makes her way up the stairs.

Pearl is actually still a lump under the covers.

On closer inspection, she’s actually sleeping with headphones on, so Levi takes it as a sign. He was working both Black Friday and yesterday, and he made sure to gather all the necessary supplies...just in case.

He starts by making Pearl’s hot chocolate, and puts it in one of those temperature-maintaining thermoses, so it won’t cool too much by the time she needs it. 

Next, Levi brews some Folgers Classic medium brew (the only coffee Dad ever drank). He notes the instructions in Dad’s handwriting on the little recipe card inside the cupboard door for their mugs. Pours it into a second thermos. (Levi looks around, but there are no Smurf ones. That’s disappointing.) But he adds a generous amount of chocolate syrup - _10 seconds worth_ _\- _Dad’s recipe says, and Levi doesn’t question it, remembering that originally, it was made for a nine year old. That Levi still found coffee too bitter.

Levi stops to wash some dishes, since they don’t have a dishwasher, except the human kind. Once he’s done here, Levi can finally start on the sunrise biscuits. He takes out all the ingredients and Panther perks up, smelling the meat. She’s on Levi’s six all the time. And Levi is happy that she’s interested in food, but holding onto these ingredients makes the tears well up.

He lovingly assembles the sandwiches, trying not to cry on them. He warms them on the stove -  _ each side a few minutes, until the cheese is melted _ \-  seriously. Having Dad’s recipes here? It’s like having him here, whispering in Levi’s ear.

Levi Googled sunrise times for Deerwood, and it’s edging toward it. He carefully packages the sandwiches in Ziplocs and washes another load of dishes.

His phone lights up with a message from Mari:

** _Mariana:_ **

_ Hi [heart emojis] I’m here if you need me. Thinking of you guys. Your dad loved you and I’m sure a love like that doesn’t stop just because a life does. Positive he is loving you still. How can I help today? _

** _Levi:_ **

_ OMG you are. Here is a pic of what I’m doing. (Sunrise breakfast with Pearl...if she wakes up and wants to.) Thanks so much for remembering. _

** _Mariana:_ **

_ OFC. Thanks for being there Thanksgiving night, even though. Moms weren’t happy about Fran and I going to Jesus’s but you being there helped keep things calm.  _

** _Levi:_ **

_ How are things going at home? Adjusting okay to meds? _

** _Mariana:_ **

_ [awkward emoji] Better than before but still not great. And...I think I might finally be done with nausea (side-effect). God, I hope so.  _

_ (OMG I didn’t comment on sunrise breakfast! Looks amazing. I hope Pearl wants to go. Maybe find Grumpy? Take Dad-blanket?) _

** _Levi:_ **

_ You have the best ideas. I seriously appreciate you and our friendship so much. Hope you know that. Also, I like you. _

** _Mariana:_ **

_ I think of you every time I use our railing on the front steps [heart eyes emoji] _

** _Levi:_ **

_ TTYS. Gotta go see if Pearl wants to do this with me. Sunrise soon. _

** _Mariana:_ **

_ [sun emoji] [purple heart emoji] [pink heart emoji] [coffee emoji] [chocolate emoji] _

Then, he creeps out to the living room. Cleo’s awake, lying on top of Pearl, keeping watch. She regards Levi, beautifully ignores his sandwiches and beverages, unlike Panther who definitely seems to have regained her interest in human food. (Or maybe she just remembers, like Levi does. Associates these smells with Dad.)

Pearl blinks awake and startles a little, seeing Levi so close. She takes off her headphones. Levi can see her eyes are puffy. “God, did I sleep in? Were we gonna do a thing?” she asks.

“No, you didn’t sleep in. It’s only a quarter after seven. But I wonder. Will you come somewhere with me?” he asks.

“Somewhere, like the woods...or somewhere, like, by car?” Pearl asks, sitting up. Levi can hear, like, three of her back vertebrae aligning as she stretches.

“Somewhere by car. You can drive. I can sit in back,” he says, noting that it’s still dark out, and his sister has a very real trigger around having anybody next to her in the passenger seat when it’s dark.

“Where?” she asks, subdued. “Because I’m not really in the mood to go anywhere today…” she manages, her voice suddenly thick.

“I totally respect that. I just...I don’t know if you’re religious...or spiritual or whatever? I don’t even know if I still am after everything that’s happened. But...I can just feel Dad...that he wants to make the sunrise for both of us. Will you come with me?” he asks. “You don’t even have to get dressed. We never did. Well, I guess, Dad usually was. But I always came in PJs,” Levi rambles.

Pearl looks so tired that Levi’s sure she’s about to flop back down and go to sleep. But instead she says five words that sound just like  _ I love you _ :

“Let me get my coat.”

\--

Pearl drives using the GPS on Levi’s phone to navigate her, since Siri is a lot less scary than a human voice telling her what to do and where to turn, especially when it’s dark. Luckily, Levi realizes this. He’s quiet in the back seat, beside Panther and a whole bag of stuff that they apparently need for the journey. Cleo’s in the passenger seat, mostly, sometimes she’s on the console to lick Pearl’s hand.

Finally Siri says they’ve reached their destination.

“Can I come up front...as long as we’re parked?” Levi asks.

Pearl nods. And she’s surprised when he gets in and immediately starts pulling things out of the bag:

The Dad blanket.

Grumpy Bear.

Food, and thermoses.

Panther sticks her head between the seats. “No, you can’t have this. I’m sorry. I promise you can try to eat again when we’re home,” Levi reassures the dog. Cleo’s now nestled in Pearl’s lap.

“What is all this?” she asks, her voice still soft and flattened by exhaustion. By grief.

“Remember those recipe cards Mom gave me for our birthday? This is the stuff Dad made for us when we watched the sunrise on my birthday.”

“You...made me chocolate coffee?” Pearl asks, hesitant.

“Taste it. It’s not chocolate coffee,” Levi reassures, noting her hesitance. “It’s something you like. I promise.”

Tentatively, Pearl takes a sip, and relaxes. “You made my hot chocolate. Perfectly. Levi, that’s so sweet of you.”

“Ssh, it’s starting,” Levi hushes as the sky begins to lighten, just barely.

Hesitantly, she takes a sandwich from him and tries it. It’s heavier than her usual breakfast - but again - if Levi’s excited to eat something, Pearl’s not about to dissuade him.

The moment Pearl tastes the egg and cheese, bacon and Canadian bacon. The perfectly made biscuit, it’s like she’s back in time. 

_ Daddy comes in the door from work and says, “I got us a surprise.” They came in a box. Pearl doesn’t know from where. But it’s the best thing she’s ever had to eat. _

_ “Daddy, did you cook this?” Pearl asks, skeptical. _

_ “No,” he laughs. “I bought it. So we know it’s safe to eat,” he winks. _

An ugly sob rises in Pearl’s throat. She tries to hold it back. Tries not to cry as she eats, all over this perfect sandwich.

“What’s wrong? You miss Dad?” Levi asks, reaching for her hand.

“He...He brought me one of these…” she sobs. “I’d forgotten...but now…” she says, still taking tiny bites of the sandwich.

“You know, I asked him if he had these with you...and he said he did. He remembered too,” Levi says gently.

Pearl cries some more. She finishes her sandwich and drinks her hot chocolate. Cleo’s annoyingly wonderful, licking her face.

Afterward, Levi hands her Grumpy Bear. He drapes the blanket around his own shoulders. They watch as the sky goes from black, to blue, to grey, to amazing pinks and oranges.

“I’ve never seen a sunrise…” Pearl observes, breathless.

“He’s doing it,” Levi says, tapping her hand, excitedly. “See? It’s coming over the horizon…”

“I do. I see…” Pearl nods, clutching Grumpy in one hand, Cleo under her arm and Levi’s hand in her remaining hand.

“He promised he would do this every day for us...if we were up early enough,” Levi says wiping his eyes with a corner of the blanket.

“Well, lucky for us, we are,” Pearl says, squeezing his hand.

“I’m sorry, if this made you too sad. The sandwich and all? Maybe it was a bad idea…” Levi ventures, once the sun has fully risen.

“On the contrary,” Pearl smiles, in spite of the tears that still fall. “I think it was the perfect idea.”

\--

The rest of the day is quiet. 

Panther manages to eat a little something, which is good.

Around noon, Michael and Dominique send a Polo. Levi sits down next to Pearl to watch together:

“ _ Hey, _ ” Michael greets. “ _ I saw a note in my planner that today’s the day y’all need a Dad check-in. Wish you were here. I’d make you whatever you needed to feel better. _ ”

“ _ Dad...they have recipes. From their own dad… _ ” Dominique interjects softly.

“ _ Really? Your dad had recipes? What’s his best one? Seriously, though, I know the pain of this loss. I’m so sorry you both are going through it today. We’re here if you need anything at all. _ ”

“ _ We’re here, _ ” Dominique promises. “ _ We know it’s a hard day and we love y’all both _ .”

“ _ Oh, who are we talking to? _ ” Jaimie asks in the background.

“ _ Pearl and Levi. They’re sad today _ ,” Dominique fills in, effortlessly protecting their privacy.

“ _ Aw, I’m so sorry guys. Hope you feel better real soon. We’re here if you need to talk. However you need to cope is cool _ ,” Jaimie tells them.

“ _ As long as you’re not harming yourselves or others _ ,” Michael fills in.

“ _ They’ll take care of each other, Dad, _ ” Dominique reassures. “ _ They always do. Bye guys. Hit us back if you want. _ ”

“You wanna Polo them back?” Levi asks. 

“I can’t right now,” Pearl’s back to buried under her blankets. “I can’t face anything. Anyone. Least of all you.”

“Why?” Levi asks, trying to keep breathing. So long as Pearl’s a disembodied voice under the covers, maybe Levi can keep talking. Asking questions. Instead of freezing. Running.

“Did you not tell me about Dad being alive because I wasn’t there to save you from my mom?” Pearl’s voice asks, muted.

“Pearl...no. I wasn’t even thinking about that. I swear,” Levi promises. “I’m not...malicious like that. I get that it’s probably something your mom would do, so you’d expect it...but I was honestly just excited to talk to you, and I had no idea how to bring up Dad. I was scared, Pearl. I’m sorry. I should’ve told you.”

“Yes, you should’ve,” Pearl grumbles. “I still love you, I just...I’m grumpy and I’m processing. And Dad said we could be grumpy.”

“Yeah, he did,” Levi sighs. “Can I sit with you?” he asks the lump of covers on the couch that is Pearl.

“I’d like that,” Pearl sighs.

\--

Pearl has dozed off when Nia’s text chime to Levi sounds, obscenely loud in the quiet cabin. She jumps, and pulls the blankets off her head, glancing around.

“What was that?” she asks.

“Mom...I think she butt-texted me?” Levi asks, confused, showing the screen.

Pearl can read nothing, her eyes feel destroyed from hours of crying. Her own phone vibrates next to her. Nia. Same link.

“Looks like it’s a mass butt-text situation…” Pearl says, concerned. “Maybe you should call her. Make sure she’s okay.”

Levi Skypes Nia (since she doesn’t have any other apps.)

“Mom? You okay?” he asks.

Nia smiles sadly at the two of them, visible on her screen.

“I’m about as well as can be expected. Remembering every minute of this damn day.”

“Sorry, I wasn’t there,” Levi apologizes.

“No, honey. We were glad you got to spend time with your friend. You needed to be a teenager. Dad and I both knew that. Are you two alright? I didn’t upset you too much with what I sent, did I? That link?”

“Oh, you meant to send that?” Levi asks.

“We thought it was an accidental mass text,” Pearl volunteers.

“No, it was intentional. Guess it’s best to give y’all a heads up: You know I’m still unpacking...and I found a bunch of videotapes your dad left behind. Home video tapes. I finally convinced myself to give them to a friend to upload onto the YouTube...since we all know videotape degrades.”

Pearl and Levi glance at each other with a slight smile, hearing Nia talk about YouTube in the same way Dad had.

“What are you two smiling about? Anyway, that link is to the video. It’s private. So only those of us with the link can see it. Right now that’s one of my dear friends, me, and both of you. Now, you don’t have to watch. But you can if you like. Thought you might miss seeing his face.”

“I just showed Pearl the 9/11 interview not too long ago,” Levi volunteers.

“I loved seeing him again. Hearing him speak,” Pearl shares, self conscious suddenly. “I’m sorry I look so haggard.”

“Oh, honey. Don’t apologize. You never have to keep it together around me. And I wanted to let y’all know that I really appreciated y’all coming by with Dad’s favorite apple pie on Thanksgiving. Meant the world to me. You both do.”

“I really loved watching the movie with both of you. Thank you for indulging me,” Pearl says, a little shy.

“And thanks...to you and Dad...for pushing me to go be a kid that day. I had it in my mind that I just left him. Was selfish. But...did he tell me to go?”

“He told you to have fun,” Nia remembers. “And you did.”

\--

_ Hi Pearl and Levi. This is your old dad talking to you from...about...2009. Levi, you’re six years old right now, and worried about tigers in your room.  _ _ Bedtime for Frances _ _ was maybe not a great bedtime story to read to both of you. Pearl was more worried about spankings. We usually ended up reading some  _ _ Cat in the Hat _ _ instead, because you liked that book much better.  _

_ I just want to say that...it’s okay to have your own interests. God, this is strange. Feels like I’m talking to myself. Anyway, it’s okay to like what you like, even if nobody else likes it. _

_ Don’t be afraid to try new food, but keep old recipes. Those are special, even the ones we keep in our heads. Damn it, now I’m thinking about Granny Evie’s pie, ‘cause she never let anyone write down a word of that damn recipe. It reminds me of my mother. And my sister. And my dad. _

_ And even if we don’t have any of the people here anymore, we’ll always have a piece of them if we carry on what they taught us: Love, feelings, and apple pie. _

_ Love you kids. _

_ \-- _

_ It’s 2012 now. Holy crap Paris, you really dropped the ball here. _

_ I promised myself I was gonna do better about talking to you kids, so you’d have something to hang onto...you know...after… _

_ So, lots of difficult things are going on around here. Mom and Grandma got hurt. Grandma passed away. And Levi, I get the feeling you blame yourself, son. But listen to me. It is not your fault. _

_ Pearl, if anything bad happens to people in your life, and you’re inclined to blame yourself when you didn’t have a part in it? It’s not your fault. _

_ Daddy loves you both very much. _

_ \-- _

_ It’s 2017, holy shit, but I guess a few of these is better than none. _

_ Levi and Pearl, I want you both to know that no matter what, I’m gonna be there for you. When I die, I’m gonna ask first thing if I can be your personal guardian angel. Make sure I protect you right. Can’t make mistakes in heaven, can you? I hope not. _

_ I’m sorry this is morose. I’m feeling lately like my time is shorter and shorter and there’s not a lot I can do about it. _

_ But you two...you two are my joy. I hope you know that. You made me a dad. You made me a better person. I hope you can say the same of me someday, but even if you can’t? I just love you. Both of you. With all my heart. _

_ Okay? Bye for now. See you later, alligators. _

The video stops.


	22. Flipside

**2021**

By far, Pearl’s favorite Christmas tradition has been this:

In the weeks before Christmas, Nia called her. No strange maybe-accidental link this time. She just had a question:

_ “Have you got an ugly Christmas sweater, Pearl?” _

“Uh...no. I can’t say that I do,” she admits, reeling. 

“ _ Oh _ ,” Nia says, disappointed.

Pearl doesn’t pretend to misunderstand the importance of this call and of what Nia is asking. She’s including Pearl in their family traditions. It’s what Dad would’ve wanted.

So, shaking off her insecurity and rogue thoughts of what Carla would think - the rage this would trigger - Pearl pushes on:

“I’m sure I can find one. When do I need it by?” Pearl asks.

“ _ As soon as possible. Also, the dogs! Oh! You’re a knitter! Do you think you could make something for Panther and Cleo _ ?” Nia sounds more excited than Pearl has ever heard her. If Dad was like this, it’s no wonder Levi felt the pressure to deliver on a sweater for Panther.

“I could. In fact, I’ve already been working on theirs.” (She’s been finished for three days. Just in case.)

“ _ Oh, I can’t wait to see what you come up with. Now the sweaters...they’ve got to be ugly. You hear me? None of this pretty-ugly business. _ ”

“Yes, ma’am,” Pearl says seriously.

When Levi gets home from work, Pearl is ready with her jacket on, and all her winter gear. “I have to go to the Kohl’s in Baxter. It’s extremely urgent. Your mom called and asked if I had an ugly sweater…”

Levi’s face changes from tired and drained. A slow smile spreads. “Wait. We’re doing it this year?”

“I guess?” Pearl answers.

“Last year, Mom didn’t want to,” Levi fills in. “I wasn’t really in the mood either.”

“She also asked me to knit for the dogs,” Pearl confides. “I had to admit I’ve already been working on theirs.”

“You didn’t tell her about the reindeer sweater, did you? Not that you couldn’t, I just…”

“No, she asked because she realized on the phone that I knit.” Pearl reassures. “Will you please come with me? I need your help. I don’t know anything about this.”

“Yeah, of course,” Levi nods, looking pleased to be asked.

\--

They drive 25 minutes to Kohl’s in Baxter and walk inside to major holiday overstimulation. They find their way to the ugly sweaters and Pearl gapes. “They’re so...dirty. The humor on a lot of these is not the least bit funny.”

“I know. But oh, here’s Dad’s!” Levi’s eyes light up at the sight of a hideous blue and cream sweater with trees and reindeer. “It’s not his exactly. His was red with black lettering. But he had one with this quote.” He gently caresses the sleeve. “Whoa. $40? I can’t justify that,” he says, casting longing glances at it. But still, Levi makes his way deeper into the sweaters, his eyes peeled for something for Pearl.

When he’s far enough ahead, Pearl grabs a men’s medium off the rack and stows it in her shopping bag.  _ Levi  _ might not be able to justify it, but anything that makes him that happy, and connected to Dad? That’s all the justification she needs.

She catches up with him, playing it cool, whistling.

“What...are you doing?” he asks, smiling a little.

“Nothing. Any sweaters that just scream  _ me _ ?” she asks.

“Not yet, but one is here. I can feel it,” Levi says. He drops his voice. “Wait, Voldemort doesn’t shop here, does she?”

A corner of Pearl’s mouth quirks, just now remembering that Levi has rechristened her mother. Gone are the days of the gentle nickname, Peanut Butter Cookie. Levi’s named her after a well and true villain. Pearl feels it’s particularly fitting. 

“Well, I know she wouldn’t be caught dead looking at ugly sweaters…” Pearl mutters. “But I’ll keep an eye out. So you don’t have to,” she reassures. “Oh God,” Pearl spots something and bursts into delighted laughter. She takes the sweater with a sloth front and center in a Christmas hat off the rack to show Levi. “We’ve got to…”

“...Show Fran!” Levi finishes and immediately starts new Polo to their sloth-loving friend. 

“Look at this sweater Pearl just found,” Levi narrates. “I’m zooming in on the sloth, just so you can get a good look at it. Still haven’t watched  _ Frozen 2 _ yet this holiday season, but I want to. I’ll let you know when we do,” he says before cutting the video.

Pearl has all but given up hope of ever finding what she’s looking for when, Levi pops out from behind a rack, shopping bag behind his back. A little bounce in his step.

“What’s going on with you?” she asks, a smile on her face. 

“Nothing...except...I may have found you the world’s most perfect sweater...and I’d love to surprise you with it. Do you trust me?” he asks earnestly. “That I know you?”

“I do,” Pearl nods, a smile spreading. “I have some things to buy but I’ll check out away from you and meet you by the car?”

“Sounds good.” he answers. “But text if you need me!”

“I will!” he calls back.

“I’m a medium,” she adds over her shoulder, hoping she hasn’t just made it awkward.

“Thanks!” he calls back and disappears.

This is perfect. The perfect opportunity for Pearl to buy the sweater for Levi without him knowing. She asks for it to be gift wrapped, and gets a receipt that she tucks into her purse.

In the parking lot, Pearl calls Nia back. “Got our sweaters.”

“ _ Great! How close are you to finishing for Panther and Cleo? I don’t mean to push, but I’m used to doing these months in advance and it’s already December. _ ”

“Not to worry. I’m actually finished. I just...didn’t want to sound too eager. Panther is going to be Santa...and Cleo’s a present.”

“ _ Ohhhh,”  _ Nia gushes. _ “I can’t wait to see. Can you both come by tonight? I know it’s last-minute. But we could make a night of it. We could take the picture, y’all could stay for dinner _ ?”

“Here comes Levi. I’ll ask,” Pearl covers the mouthpiece. “Nia wants to know if we can come take the picture tonight? Stay for dinner?”

“Yes. Of course,” Levi grins. “I can’t wait to show you this,” he gestures to the bag with a wrapped gift inside. Pearl has already stowed his in the trunk of the car.

“Nia? We’ll be there.” Pearl says.

\--

When they get home, Levi eagerly holds out the wrapped sweater to Pearl. “Early Christmas?” he asks.

“As long as you’re okay with the same,” she says, reaching behind her for Levi’s own gift. 

“What? Pearl… I’ve been taking ugly Christmas photos probably since I was in utero. I have plenty of ugly sweaters.”

“How do you know it’s a sweater?” Pearl jokes. “It could be a hat.”

“We have Santa hats,” Levi points out.

“Fine, it’s a sweater,” Pearl relents, laughing. “Just open it.”

“I will if you will,” he bargains.

So, together, they discover their sweaters. Pearl lets out a delighted shriek as she takes in the red and green monstrosity that pictures an adorable brown pug popping out of a Christmas present. “Levi, this is perfect. Where did you find this?”

“In the secret hiding spo… Pearl…” he gasps. “This was so expensive…” Levi holds up the sweater gently. “I have so many already. I mean, thank you.. I mean…It’s not worth it…”

“It made you happy,” Pearl says gently. “That’s worth it.”

“Thank you so much,” he all but launches himself into her arms. She laughs and holds on. “I love you.”

“I love you. I’ll change in the bathroom and then I’ll get Cleo changed.” (Cleo eyes her warily.)

“I’ll be downstairs. I’ve got Panther,” Levi insists.

\--

They show up to Nia’s dressed to the nines. Levi’s found khaki dress pants that give Pearl 90’s feelings to go with his sweater. His hair is gelled neatly like the first time they met.

Pearl has put on her plum tinted chapstick and made sure to put lots of lotion on because it’s so dry out. (It’s significantly less than she would be forced to do when going anywhere with Carla.) She’s done her hair and found dangly sled earrings she’d nearly forgotten she owned and put them on, figuring Nia and Levi will support the fashion choice, under the circumstances. 

Panther’s happy as can be, clearly used to this tradition, while Cleo looks miserable wearing clothes. “We’ll take it off soon,” Pearl promises, kissing her.

Nia opens the door in a Christmas-themed Star Wars sweater. 

“Come in! Take off your coats, so I can see if your sweaters are ugly enough!” Nia enthuses after hugging them. 

Her delighted hollering at Pearl’s pug sweater and god-awful earrings is all Pearl needs to hear. “Levi found this for me,” she confides. 

“Well, Levi’s always been a smart shopper. What about you, son? Don’t hold back on us now.”

Slowly, Levi unbuttons his coat and reveals his sweater, and Nia’s eyes well all the way up.

“Oh…” she says and hugs him. “Where did you find that?”

“At the store with Pearl. I wasn’t gonna buy it, but Pearl did. She surprised me with it.” Levi admits blinking back his own tears.

“My God, the way you two love each other. It’s just beautiful. I wish Paris could see it.” Nia dries her eyes in a hurry. “Speaking of your dad, I was thinking, we could hold this in the picture,” Nia says gesturing to a picture that was not on the wall last month.

Dad, in the very sweater Levi described, Santa hat on with his oxygen. Smile on his face.

“When did you take this?” Levi asks, stunned, touching the edge of the framed picture gently. 

“Oh, honey, we had all kinds of time a couple years ago waiting for you and Panther to get back. So I had a little photo shoot with Dad.”

“I love it,” Pearl breathes.

“Me, too,” Levi agrees.

They all studiously avoid Dad’s chair for the photo this year, instead opting to take it outside in the snow. Finding a place to set the phone up is a challenge. Figuring out how to get the picture of Dad not to have a massive glare on it is another, but they figure it out. Nia holds the picture of Dad, and Pearl and Levi gather close around her. Pearl holds Cleo dressed like the most adorable Christmas gift and Levi prompts Santa Panther to sit.

“Everybody got your Santa hat? Say cheese,” Nia cues.

They smile, as Dad beams from the photo they hold.

Pearl has never felt like she belongs anywhere more than this moment.

God, she wishes Dad could see.

\--

It’s Christmas Eve. 

Mom’s cards had been sent out. The photo turned out great. She made sure to send Levi and Pearl each their own, to keep. Levi keeps his under his pillow, just like Lilo does in  _ Lilo and Stitch _ . It’s the safest place for a picture of family. Levi keeps it there, so hopefully, his head can absorb their togetherness as he sleeps.

It hadn’t taken Levi long living with Pearl to realize that getting cards was his sister’s favorite part of the holiday. The pantry door is covered with them. 

A photo card from Jaimie and Michael. A card with a marshmallow snowman relaxing in a cup of hot chocolate signed  _ Love, Dominique and Roberta _ .  She’d sent all her love their way and hoped they could feel Dad’s presence with them. 

Mariana, Jesus and Fran sent the most perfect photo card of the three of them dressed in matching baseball-style shirts that say  _ Cookie Baking Crew _ with gingerbread men for the  _ i _ in  _ cookie. _ (Fran sits between Mariana and Jesus, all their heads bent together, all three smiling. It’s Levi’s favorite card.) 

Char and Pav each sent one, and there’s even one from aunt Lonnie. (Not a photo card, but it came with a letter, updating them on everything happening in Alabama. She was so glad Pearl and Levi found each other.)

Levi had always been so focused on taking the picture for the Christmas cards that he didn’t usually have the chance to enjoy the ones other people sent. He’s pretty sure Pearl has tossed a couple. Levi’s caught sight of a crumpled envelope or two in the garbage, when he’s taken it out. One from her mom. One from her grandma on her mom’s side. Levi hadn’t read them, though his fingers itched to.

He checks under his bed to make sure his gift to Pearl is still safe, and then makes his way back downstairs. He can smell Pearl’s baking. It’s Christmas Eve.

She’s got Brenda Lee on, singing  _ Rocking Around the Christmas Tree _ on her CD player. He smiles a little watching her sing along loudly and off-key. “Aw, you are  _ so _ Dad’s child…” he says, smiling.

“What?” she exclaims, laughing. “What does that even mean?”

“Please do it again so I can take video? Just for myself?” Levi begs. “You remind me so much of Dad. He used to sing me Stevie Wonder’s  _ Happy Birthday _ song...and it was...well...it was just like this.”

Pearl’s eyes light up. Uncharacteristically, she grabs a nearby wrapped stick of still-cold butter and uses it as her microphone:

“ _ You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear voices singing ‘Let’s be jolly; Deck the halls with boughs of holly _ !” Pearl’s firmly committed to singing more, but cracks up here. It’s off-key and wonderful in every way. 

Her laugh makes Levi laugh. He finally stops recording.

Once they’ve composed themselves, he makes his way next to her in the kitchen. “What are you baking?” he asks, hesitant. She’s wearing the purple apron, with Gracie on the front.

“Do you think Santa likes Russian tea cakes?” she asks honestly. 

“I have no idea...but _ I _ do…” Levi says.

Pearl sighs. “I know it’s corny, but I was thinking of baking some cookies and hot chocolate for Santa. Leaving them out on the table.”

“Do we have carrots for the reindeer?” Levi asks, checking the fridge. He makes a face. “Only giant long ones. What do you use these for?”

“Soup!” Pearl says, a little indignant.

“I guess I can peel this and slice it…” Levi says. Panther’s gotten her appetite back, and Levi doesn’t have the heart to stop Pearl from feeding Panther bits of cookie.

That night, they leave the cookies on the table, carrots beside them. A cup of hot chocolate nearby.

“Can I wait with you?” Levi yawns.

“Wait?” Pearl asks. 

“For Santa?” Levi winks.

“Of course, if you want,” she consents.

They sit in the quiet living room, a fire crackling in the fireplace. Their tree made of purple garland sitting at the ready, a few presents from friends stacked beneath.

“Can you believe this might be our last Christmas here?” Pearl asks.

“If we move to California, do you think Mom will?” Levi wonders. “I wouldn’t want to leave her here by herself.”

“Nia has her own mind. She has connections and community here. She may not want to leave. But I think she’d support you.”

“I know…” Levi sighs. “I just don’t wanna leave her again. It wasn’t my best moment.”

“You’re a good person. That’s more important than a few bad moments,” Pearl reassures, nodding off.

Levi waits until Pearl is snoring and then gets up and quietly goes downstairs for his gift to her. Sets it under the tree.

Quietly, Levi walks over to the kitchen table, regarding the plate of cookies and carrots. The cup of hot chocolate.

Then he goes downstairs to bed.

\--

_ On Christmas morning, Paris sees everything. _

_ He sees Nia find his last letters to the kids tucked away in a desk drawer. Sees her tuck them into her purse and gather their gifts and load them in her car. God, she’s so beautiful. He wishes he could call out to her, touch her, something. _

_ A light wind blows, caressing her face as he touches her. “I love you…” he whispers. _

_ He watches the slight smile touch her lips. Watches as she mutters, “Paris, not now. I gotta go see the kids. You coming or not?” She leaves the door open an extra second, as if she knows he’s gonna want to come along for this. _

_ He’s with her in the passenger seat as she make the drive out to a snowy little cabin in the woods. _

_ From a distance, but not too great, he can see Nia tuck the letters into a mailbox. Stop at the front door and knock. _

_ He sees a young woman open the door, and by God if he weren’t already dead, this would do it. Pearl...his baby girl...all grown up, in an ugly sweater, to boot. He uses Nia’s bootprints to make his way to the door, too. Looks in the window to see Home Alone playing on the TV, just like back home. Levi’s here, looking sharp in a sweater just like his own, but different colors.  _

_ ...That means he and Pearl have found each other. Thank God. _

_ Oh, thank God. _

_ He fades back into the trees. Into the air.  _

_ His babies are okay. _

_ It’s all he’s ever needed to know. _

\--

It’s different having  _ Home Alone _ playing in the background and not  _ A Christmas Story _ . Different, but good. Pearl could use some new Christmas traditions. And Nia and Levi have plenty. Everyone’s wearing their ugly sweaters, for one thing. But gone are the dressy pants. Levi’s swung in the opposite direction and opted for dark grey sweats - an elastic waist so he can comfortably eat.

Pearl could not be happier.

She’d woken up at around 5 AM, relieved to see the cookie place covered in crumbs and a little nub of leftover carrot. The cup of hot chocolate stands empty. She has her suspicions but Pearl lets her inner child persist in happily believing Santa’s come. The sight of an unfamiliarly wrapped gift under the tree, with block lettering that reads: TO PEARL FROM SANTA just adds to the odd, joyous feeling.

“Hey, y’all,” Nia greets. 

“Hi…” Pearl returns, embracing her. “So good to see you.” 

They lose a few hours opening gifts. Pearl’s still more than a bit on edge about opening presents in front of Nia, but she seems to be enjoying watching their joy just as much as they’re loving hers.

It’s not a big Christmas, only a few presents exchanged each, plus a few from California (lanterns from Dominique, kitchen towels and oven mitts from Jaimie and Michael. Fran sends a rock for them to share, it’s smooth and obviously special, with a note:  _ I took this from the cabin. It was my wishing stone. Now, I got my wish and met Timothy. But I think it wants to go home. Please put it back in the woods. Love, Francesca. PS I love you both so much you are my family. _ Mariana sends a diffuser and Jesus sends their very first essential oils: one spearmint and one vanilla.) Pearl sets it up right away.

They’re well into their third viewing of  _ Home Alone _ when Levi says, “Oh, Pearl. Santa brought you something.”

“I know...to be honest, I’m a little freaked out...because Santa didn’t bring you two anything.” Pearl admits.

“That’s because Santa knows better than to break into my house when I’m sleeping,” Nia comments seriously, rolling up her sleeves.

“It’s okay, Mom,” Levi pats her knee. “We know you can take Santa.”

“I can absolutely take Santa,” Nia nods.

“Should I open this?” Pearl asks.

“Please,” Levi and Nia chorus.

Hesitantly, Pearl unwraps it. Inside, she finds a framed photo - 5x7 - of what must have been the Wests 2019 Holiday card. Panther’s dressed in the sweater Pearl made. Her eyes immediately go misty. “Oh, my God…” She shows it to Levi and Nia. “How dare you...give me something so beautiful?” she sobs. 

“Santa knows what you wanted, doesn’t he?” Nia comments quietly.

“Did you do this?” Pearl manages between bouts of crying.

“I most certainly did not,” Nia reassures. “But I sorta wish I had thought of it.”

Pearl looks at Levi, who’s busy not looking at her. Finally, he mumbles, “I figured it was the least I could do...after everything I did… Do you hate it?” he asks, cringing.

“I love it… Are you kidding? Now, I have two pictures of Dad,” Pearl manages to smile, hugging him.

“Oh, honey. That is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. I’ve got doubles of some in my purse… I’m sure of it.” Nia insists, reaching down for it.

“Well, I don’t mean...I probably have seven? Because you gave me four. And I have my phone case from Levi.

“Seven,” Nia humphs. “Levi, honey, can you grab my purse. Now, where in blazes did I put the damn thing. I think I left it in the car.”

“I can get it,” Levi volunteers.

“Did y’all know the flag on your mailbox is up? It’s a holiday, and the postman should’ve been here… Taken all your mail already. Do they not do their jobs around here or what?” Nia remarks.

“I’ll take care of it, Mom,” Levi insists.

“Double check. Make sure they didn’t leave any of y’alls mail inside…” Mom hollers.

“Yes, ma’am,” Levi says back and grabs his coat. Panther bounds along by his side. He stops by Mom’s car first for her purse. And then squints at the mailbox by the road. The flag  _ is _ up. Weird.

Levi walks toward it, glancing around out of habit to be sure he’s alone. To be sure no one’s lurking.

He gets there, almost to the road and firmly puts the flag down. Opens the box, and checks inside, fully expecting to find nothing. Instead, his hand closes around two envelopes.

Great. Pearl’s going to be so upset that their mail out got left behind.

But as Levi gets a good look at the letters, he shoves them back in the mailbox and slams it shut. He runs to the house, full speed, dropping Mom’s purse by her feet.

“Pearl… You gotta come….” he insists. 

“Levi...what?” Pearl asks, but she’s already to the door, stepping into her boots and putting on her coat.

They run, side by side, to the mailbox.

Levi’s breathless, he can see his breath, white puffs of air around them. “I put the flag down…” he manages. “But look.  _ Look _ inside…”

“Okay,” she says, clearly troubled.

She opens the mailbox and gingerly slides out the two envelopes. Her eyes widen as she takes in the familiar slant of Dad’s handwriting on each: _Pearl_ and _Levi_.

Their eyes meet. Standing side by side in the cold, they stare at each other. Finally, Pearl hands him his. Clutches her own.

Simultaneously, they tear them open:

_ November 27, 2019 _

_ Dear Levi, _

_ It’s your old dad. Just writing to say I love you so much. Nothing you could do or tell me will ever change that. I’ll look in on you every now and again. I promise. Be good. Don’t just behave but be a good person, the good person I know you are in your heart. No matter how hard things get, don’t forget to look for the light, son. _

_ I love you, _

_ Dad _

\--

_ November 27, 2019 _

_ Dear Pearl, _

_ Hi honey. It’s Dad. Even though we’re not going to meet in this life, I want you to know you have always been my heart. My little girl. I’ve always claimed you as my own, knowing, all the while that you are your own person with your own voice. Be the kind of person who protects others. Don’t hide your smarts. Don’t let anyone keep you down. Don’t be afraid to choose yourself. Your safety. Your life. They matter. You matter. I love you so much. _

_ Love,  _

_ Daddy _

Levi and Pearl glance up at each other, with tears in their eyes. Tears rolling down their faces, threatening to freeze there. They grasp each other’s hands, and together, they look up at the sky.

See the sun filtering down.

On the mailbox. On them.

They close their eyes in tandem, and then Pearl glances back toward the cabin, the spell broken.

“Let’s go,” Levi nods.

He reaches for Pearl’s hand again, and they walk back together.


End file.
